Amateur Lovers

Never have I been more sure of anything than when I was a teenager in love. Try as I might to pretend those many, many years of awkwardness and regrettable haircuts never really happened, there are some memories that you can’t forget: first crushes, first dates, first kisses and all that. She’s the one, I’d secretly tell myself. Then of course I’d come to find she was most definitely not the one, and I’d move on to the next crush. She’s the one, I’d tell myself again. It’s all I can do to keep myself from pulling out my old journals and writing “Diary Of A Moron” across every cover. But hey, at that stage of my life I was still forgetting to zip up my fly from time to time. I think we can agree that nobody expects teenagers to be experts on love.

Today I am mere months away from getting married to someone who thankfully did not know me during said awkward phase of my life, and thankfully I’ve learned a thing or two about love since then. But when I turn my thoughts to the church and the life of the Body, I’m alarmed by how many Christians seem to wield a similar attitude towards their relationship with God. At one point they had a passion and a zeal for the Kingdom, but at some point it just tapered off. Following God didn’t turn out to be what they had originally thought. Nobody said there would be lows as low as they’ve experienced when they were being prayed for at the alter after the service. No one seemed to mention the constant diligence that would be required in order to keep from falling back into old patterns of sin. They had a great first date with God, but it’s almost as if He forgot to call them back.

*  *  *  *  *

In Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage (which I would highly, highly recommend you pick up), Keller tells a short story to explain how his feelings towards his wife have changed over time:

“When [my wife] Kathy first held my hand, it was an almost electrical thrill. Thirty-seven years later, you don’t get the same buzz out of holding your wife’s hand that you did the first time. But as I look back on that initial sensation, I realize that it came not so much from the magnitude of my love for her but from the flattery of her choice of me. In the beginning it goes to your head, and there is some love in that, but…there is no comparison between that and what it means to hold Kathy’s hand now, after all we’ve been through.”

You probably don’t need thirty-seven years of marriage to know Keller’s spot on here. Anyone who’s been in any sort of relationship knows that feelings between two people wane from time to time. Your best friends right now are the ones who’ve stuck around, not the ones who were simply the most fun when you met. Those friendships have changed and evolved over time, and my guess is you’d say they are more precious to you today than they were at their inception. Love grew in a place where love didn’t exist before.

Assuming for a moment we all affirm this to be true…why then do we so often come to God expecting the same electricity we felt at the beginning, when we first came to know Him? It seems that too many of us never move beyond this initial stage of relationship with the Father. We get caught up in the flattery of having been chosen by God, and the beauty of election becomes little more than a gust of ego gratification for our souls; we cheapen God’s grace because we’ve fallen in love with a feeling rather than a promise. In effect, we become amateur lovers, stuck in a moment we can’t get out of, trying to recapture the magic of our youth when the wild, uncharted territory of maturity awaits us.

This is what coming to know God is like. At first we are overwhelmed by the majesty and beauty of grace, and we feel as though we have lightning pulsing through our veins. Eventually, though, we come to find that these emotions were the spiritual equivalent of puppy love: certainly real enough to us, but lacking the substance that characterizes true love. And certainly there is a time and place for infatuation in relationship. But at some point, that feeling is set aside for an even bigger prize. Love longs to go deeper, not to recapture a feeling and feel it forever. This is mature love, and it is the kind of love our Father harbors for us and invites us to partake in.

Don’t settle for one date with God. Better yet, don’t let your feelings dictate how you go about your day! This Gospel is too important to be passed over because we found it too difficult for our liking. Press into God today, and watch what He does next.

Dominick Baruffi

"Single Parenting - Situation not Identity"

(By Thor Knutstad)

Single parents today, in unprecedented numbers, are in a very complex situation.  They are trying to raise their children within a complicated and competing system of authorities and influences.  Most (not all) were once, so they thought, defined as a "married parent."  But that is exactly where there is an "identity gap."  Single parenthood is your situation, not your identity.  When I lean on identity, my situation will always control me.  When I accept the stark reality of situational context, I can live in context and not in the false notion of identity context. Let me repeat myself here for emphasis and effect.  Single parenting is my SITUATION and NOT MY IDENTITY.  Let me explain.

I am the father of my sons.  I am not the father and the mother to my children.  I can't be, nor should I attempt to be both.  To try to be both is NOT God's design.  God does not expect double effort from me to compensate for what is missing or has been missed.  I cannot do the work of two people, though often it feels very much like this.  I have a ministry to my children.  It is my job to physically provide for and emotionally care for them.  I must provide verbal instruction and sometimes even physical discipline.  I must model a dependence on Christ, pray with and for them and do all these in the context of loving well. I must push them to excellence as they pursue God and this calling and as He pursues them.  I must forgive their sin(s), but I cannot allow their hurt, pain and brokenness to be their identity - I must teach them that is their situation - a consequence of brokenness, of sin and of living in a world full of evil that God is restoring and redeeming.

You see, this situation is NOT their excuse.  Single parents, do not lose sight of your child's responsibility to love, trust and obey God, despite their unpleasant circumstances.  A broken home does not excuse unbelief, rebellion, ingratitude, disobedience, disrespect, angry words or idolatry.  Let me repeat myself. Their situation is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior or disobedience.   Do not doom them because of what has happened.  They are not victims or byproducts of a broken relationship.  They are a part of God's design of learning to live in a broken world that is sometimes a product of a lot of sin, or a lot of being sinned against.  If you do not understand the situation of where you live every day, you will live in a confusing context of hating the messy reality.  Do good.  Love well.  Embrace your reality.  Don't walk in the fear that pushes back the power of loving your sinful child well.  Your God is transforming them too.  Admit that they are more like you than unlike you and that they are more like the other parent too than you sometimes want to admit.  Yes, I just said that.  Your child is MORE LIKE YOU than unlike you.  Humbling moment? Hmm...

Don't let single parenting pressures drive you to anger and self-absorption.  Instead, walk in a quiet confidence of humility that deals with their hearts as ever moving targets in a world full of sin and conflict.  Teach them to love God and their neighbor well.  Show confident respect toward their mom or dad and encourage your kids to do the same, even if that is not done for you in a reciprocal way.  As you model Christ-likeness in your situation, entrust them to God's care.  Let your kids see the aspects of reality in that former relationship sometimes - it is not your job to protect them from the other person's sin, the truth or consequences thereof.  Silence and appropriate withdrawal from that person (your ex) is sometimes quite appropriate, and even wise, and your kids will see it unfold.  Their eyes cannot be covered from the reality of the situation.  Sure, you want to pursue a positive relationship with that person as best as is able on your behalf, but sometimes it is this very lack of unity that causes war.  Needless to say, show humility, foster confidence, confront as often but as necessary, show mercy and control your body language and your tongue's words with that person.  Your responsibility to love your enemy doesn't escape even the most broken relationship.  Yet to walk in wisdom will not always mean being as innocent as doves and lambs; sometimes it will mean being as shrewd as a snake and as clever as a fox.  I'm only quoting our Lord, but we have to know the difference.  There is a season for everything.

I also encourage getting the help of family, other believers and your local church to help bear the burden of a single family.  The impact and assistance and the fellowship of others is paramount to you and your kids.  As previously stated, single parenting is not my identity any more than being married is or was.  It is my situation.  It is my context.  And as your journey unfolds in the pathways of time and moments, may the complex burden of single parenthood be a lighter burden to you.  If your family is still intact, praise God.  But this article is still for you.  Hear my counsel here.  Love well those under the yoke of situational single parenting.  Their task is heavy and their burden is not light.  Many did not choose to be here - someone else abandoned them or created this difficult context.  Sin's destruction always plays a part in getting people to places they would rather not be.  I once said to my friend Al about my situation, "You'd tremble if you were me."  His gentle and wise reply looking me straight in the eye was, "You're right."  True, but our sovereign God (read Acts 17) has designed a journey - a better one - one where suffering always leads to joy.  And this applies to you and your children as well.  God is leading them to greater joy.  Praise Him."

Relationships: A Stumbling Block or a Stepping Stone to Abiding in Christ?

(By Diego Cuartas)

Recently out of my own personal struggles in relationships, God has brought me to a point of “crisis of belief”, as Henry Blackaby would call it. My point of crisis came as I realized a couple of days ago how reluctant I have been to admit some relational disappointments. I am so thankful for the loving perseverance of my wife and her godly counsel to me. My conversation with her took place on Sunday night. The next day as I was working out and deciding what to meditate on, God led me--as He has many other times--to read the first letter of John. I am so thankful God spoke to me. What became evident to me through my reading is that how I relate to others plays a big part in how well I “abide” in Christ. Put differently, how I relate to others impacts how I relate to God. My relationships can either become a stumbling block or a stepping stone to abiding in Christ.

In verses 5-10 of chapter 1, John indicates that fellowship with God is directly linked to me walking in the “light” instead of hiding or pursuing the promises that any “darkness” offers. John says that when we walk in the light we are positioned to have fellowship with God and also with one another. Darkness hinders fellowship with God and other people. The beautiful thing is that when I choose to walk in the light I can be a beneficiary of all that Christ offers to sinners like me. In Him I can receive forgiveness and a cleansing of the things that are not aligned with His purpose and design for me. The alternative for relating this way to God and others is to pretend or live life as if I was not a sinner, someone who has fallen short of God’s expectations and unable to help myself. This alternative, according to John, makes me (or anyone) a liar. Thank God there is hope for us--the first verses in chapter 2 show how Jesus can very efficiently advocate for us before God the Father. Jesus makes my abiding in Him a real possibility!

Furthermore, in verses 7-11 of chapter 2, John offers a very relational perspective for us to consider. He teaches that the disposition of my heart toward others will result in a “stumbling block” in my life when instead of loving others I choose to hate them. Hate can be understood as an aversion or hostility toward another person. And hating, according to John will keep a person in bondage to darkness. Darkness, says John, not only blinds me to others but it keeps me walking in the dark. This darkness that hinders relationship hinders in turn my abiding in Christ. In chapter 3 verse 24, John emphasizes this truth in the following way: “Whoever keeps his commandments abides in God and God in him.” 

Relationships can be a stumbling block to our abiding in Christ if we do them in our sinful ways or if they keep us far from obeying God’s commandments. The messiness that is revealed in relationships can point us to our need of a Savior, our need of an advocate and our need of a Healer. Apart from the love and mercy of God we can’t love others well.

So how am I to treat other sinners, especially those who cause me pain and disappointment? The answer is simple and profound: the same way God has treated you! Take a moment to allow the following statements from John Piper (Good News of Great Joy: Daily Readings for Advent, page 36) to give you a renewed perspective:

How shall a holy and just God treat us sinners with so much kindness as to give us the greatest reality in the universe (his Son) to enjoy with the greatest joy possible? The answer is that God put our sins on his Son, and judged them there, so that he could put them out of his mind, and deal with us mercifully and remain just and holy at the same time. Hebrews 9:28 says, “Christ was offered once to bear the sins of many.” Christ bore our sins in his own body when he died. He took our judgment. He canceled our guilt. And that means the sins are gone. They do not remain in God’s mind as a basis for condemnation. In that sense, he “forgets” them. They are consumed in the death of Christ. Which means that God is now free, in his justice, to lavish us with the new covenant. He gives us Christ, the greatest Reality in the universe, for our enjoyment. And he writes his own will—his own heart—on our hearts so that we can love Christ and trust Christ and follow Christ from the inside out, with freedom and joy.

Obviously, we are to treat others mercifully as we have been treated mercifully. The basis for such mercy is what God has done in Christ. He alone can call our sins into judgment. We are not the judge of others’ sins; He alone is. It is amazing that both the authority for judgment and hope for redemption rest in God. As long as I hold others through the lenses of my judgment I will not be free to lavish love on them. And as long as I hope in their ability to change, I will miss trusting in what God alone can do in them.

For thought:

• Which relationships presently help you abide in Christ? Which ones do not?
• How are you relating to others? Is the way you relate keeping you in the dark or in the light?
• Have you experienced the mercy of God? How is his mercy impacting the way you relate to others?

Simple Gifts for the Grieving

As we ended the Week of Prayer and meditated on our missions for 2014, I kept trying to come up with a Big Plan or Big Declaration or Big Mission. What I kept getting as I prayed was one word: Simplicity. The most important gifts we can give are often the simplest.

I've been blessed with many kindnesses over the past year as I've experienced the death of a parent. Some of the most heartwarming help has come from things that require neither large amounts of money or time.

Some background: Overall, our American church culture does a terrible job at caring for the grieving. I’ve been researching this topic a lot lately, as it has touched my life in deep ways. What I have found is pretty discouraging. Many people suffering from profound loss often feel isolated and abandoned after the initial surge of sympathy and support. Because American culture centers on the “can do” spirit, the grieving feel they have to pick themselves up and go on as normal even when the world has caved in around them.

Grieving can be from so many things: loss from death, separation and divorce, relationship breakdowns with family and friends. I would like to suggest from firsthand experience some simple ways you can give to grieving people in your life this year: 

I challenge you this year to reach out to someone who is grieving. Even the simplest things help heal hearts within the Body of Christ. 

• Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk to the grieving. Let them know you're thinking about them. This doesn't have to mean hours of deep conversation and meaningful advice. There's a time and place for that, but a simple text message, quick e-mail, Facebook message, or even "snail mail" note can make someone feel they're not alone in their pain.

• Think long term. Don't forget your grieving friends after the initial crisis has passed. Grief is a long process that ebbs and flows. Again, you do not need to do anything "huge." Just being remembered is a gift.

• Share your own story of grieving and how you have dealt with it. My research is split on this, since grief is so highly personal that no two experiences are the same, and some don't feel that anyone can understand how they feel. In my personal experience, I have found it very comforting for people to share their stories of loss with me.

• Pray for the grieving. There is no more loving thing you can do for someone in pain than to lift them up to our Savior.

• Give the gift of Scripture. I love it when people share favorite verses or passages of comfort with me. On rough days, these nuggets of Truth give me something to hold on to in the storm.

• This also applies for favorite songs and hymns. Share them with your grieving friends. Music is a great emotional outlet and calming influence.

• If you knew the person who has died, share your memories with the grieving friends and family. Many people don't want to cause more pain and hesitate to talk about the person who is gone. Personally, I love for people who knew my mom to share their memories with me. It helps keep her memory alive.

Nancy Vasquez

Where Have You Seen Jesus?

This week at LFAC, we’re embarking on a ‘week of prayer’ together. If you’ve been tracking with the prayer guide for each day this week, you know that we’ve been learning about what the Church is supposed to be all about, what our defining characteristics are supposed to be as God’s people. The Day 2 reading talked about how we, as the Church, are being sent on a mission by Jesus Himself, to proclaim the Good News of the Gospel.

There was a question included that I think is essential to consider and have an answer for if we’re going to be able to tell people about Jesus and His Gospel. The question said, “What have you seen of Jesus or what has Jesus done for you that would be good news to someone?”

That question is so important, because, if we have a firm grasp on the beauty of what Jesus has done in our lives, we can then look for other people who could use that same Good News and we can offer it to them. For example, my answer was that Jesus has done some deep healing in my heart in the area of my appearance: it’s taken many long years to come to believe that Jesus made me just the way I am in the way I look and that I’m beautiful. He’s also done some healing in the area of my identity, teaching me that I’m significant, that He likes the way I am, that He made me who I am on purpose. So just imagine, that as I combine identifying what Jesus has done for me and watching the people around me, I’ll bet I could see similar needs in other people. And how significant would it be for me to offer the Good News of Jesus’ healing in my life to someone else who feels what I’ve felt, that under all their smiles and attempts to cover up their real self, like they aren’t good enough, that they never measure up, that they hate the way they are? They need that same Good News that I’ve received.

So how about you?

I’d love to hear in the comment section ‘what you’ve seen of Jesus or what He’s done for you that would be good news to someone.’ Then let’s look together for those people that need to hear your good news…and let’s bring it to them!

Sarah Howard

A Time to Grieve and a Time to…

(By Tammy Vaughn)

Prime times for grieving a loss or death are during the holiday season, around the loved one’s birthday or the day of their passing.  So how do we face holiday grief?   Grief is the loss of a loved one or something important to you.  Grief could include the loss of an idea, item, animal, child or dream.  Grief may actually start before a person is deceased, especially in the case of terminal illness.  

I believe taking a self-inventory is a key concept around the area of grief; it is beneficial to examine yourself and identify feelings on how you are processing or not processing the loss.   You may be telling yourself things like,  “Stop making a big deal out of it” or “You should be over it by now” or “I can’t live without this person” or “I want to die too.” I think a key part of this is to evaluate what you think about your observations, self talk or thoughts.  You may miss your loved one terribly, and you may be feeling loss and sadness.  The flip side may also be true- maybe you recognize that the loved one is missing but feel relief or peace.  Maybe you don’t think of your loved one at all and feel guilty for not thinking of them.  It is important to remember that feelings are just feelings; they are not right or wrong, they are just your feelings.  We tend to place a lot of emphasis on how we feel when really it’s what you do with your feelings that is important.  Taking an honest inventory of how you’re doing throughout the grief process is very important.

Another key to dealing with grief is to find a healthy balance between remembering and honoring a person’s absence and perseverating or centering the entire rest of your life or holidays on their absence.  Being consumed by your loved one’s death or loss does not help you to live your life.   This may sound insensitive, but if God has still given you life, He has a purpose and plan for you.  It’s important to keep this in mind.  I encourage people to find a way to celebrate or acknowledge the person who you have lost without being totally consumed.  Some people are reluctant to even use the word “celebrate” because they feel that if you celebrate, you will forget your loved one.  Achieving a healthy balance is important; that way you are not swallowed up in grief and therefore miss making memories, enjoying other loved ones who are living or miss out on life in general.  I think processing feelings with close supportive friends, pastors and professional counselors is very helpful in working toward striking this balance.  Part of moving toward health is carrying on normal activities, realizing that you will be making “new normals”.  

Another key to grief recovery is to find support.  Let me say it again: find support. Grief Share, Celebrate Recovery, pastorate friends and professional counselors, etc.  Some things God never meant for us to go through or overcome by ourselves; grief is one of those things.  It is and will be tempting to isolate, wall off and stay to yourself because the pain is too intense or you don’t want to get hurt again. You may be tempted to not celebrate the holiday or to celebrate the holiday alone. Instead, find some supportive people, friends or coworkers and celebrate the best that you can.  Isolation makes the healing process harder and longer.  Being around people that care about you will in fact help your grief process.  Processing feelings with people you trust will help you to work through those feelings and gain the support you need to survive.  Remember that grief is more than just five stages, or steps, or hoops to jump through.  It can look like a ball of yarn. There is no time line to grief, and it can be experienced by everyone differently.  You can actually be stuck in stages, not really go through some of them and experience them out of order.  The fives stages of grief are denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance. Remembering that everyone processes grief differently is helpful, realizing that   while you are on one stage, your spouse or children may be on a different stage.   The important thing to do is to acknowledge or experience your feelings when you have them.  Don’t try to shut grief feelings down, run from them or deny that you are having them.  Stuffed feelings always come out in ways and at times that you don’t want them to come out.  When you are grieving, often times you feel out of control and devastated.   One thing you can control is how you explore and express your feelings.  You will also feel empowered and begin to have a sense of hope as you identify and acknowledge the feelings you have.   Give yourself permission to grieve and to be happy.  The Bible in Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that life has many seasons and cycles.  This passage gives us each hope that there is an end in sight.  Life will not always be this traumatic or painful.   

Take a minute to read this great reminder in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.  Take a deep breath and be encouraged!

    There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the  heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

    a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to   refrain from embracing,

    a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away

    a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

    a time to love and a time to hate,  a time for war and a time for peace.

Piper on Prayer

A brief, but powerful biblical explanation of how it is that God has determined that there are things that will only happen when we prayer. Listen to it to gain perspective on why we are having a LFA Week of Prayer.

This is the New Year

Every year ends pretty much the same way.  We take some time to reflect on the past twelve months.  We read lists of the “Best Albums of the Year,” or “The Year’s Top Celebrity Moments,” or “22 Greatest Food Fails of 2013.”  We are still feeling the effects of the holiday season, which may take the form of extra weight, extra debt, or an extended hangover.  Then, at the stroke of midnight on December 31st, we stop all this reflecting and move on to celebrating the future.  We set unrealistic goals.  We talk about how this year will be better than the last.  We trade our nostalgia for hope. 

New Years, much like graduations are about endings and beginnings.  They cause us to take stock of the events that have led us to where we are, survey the highlights and lowlights along the way, and look forward with anticipation of what the future holds.

 In the spirit of reflecting on the past and looking ahead to the future, Pastor Nate took some time this past Sunday to recap some of this year’s sermon series.  As we look back on messages past, truths are reaffirmed and we are reminded of the highlights.  As I listened to the sermon, I began to think about all the lessons I had learned over the past year.  

Sometimes, learning something new means changing something that you thought you knew.  We don’t like to admit that we believed something false.  In fact, when faced with some truth that confronts a long-held belief that we’ve comfortably settled into, our instinct is to challenge that truth and fight for our false saviors.  Learning can be painful and uncomfortable.  Some of the things I have learned over the past year were these hard-fought truths.  As I look forward to the year to come, I anticipate that more of the “truths” I hold onto now will be challenged.

Jeff Hyson

The Earth orbits the sun once every 365.25 days.  It has for as long as we can remember.  Still, every time it does, we celebrate.  We celebrate the past, and we look forward to the future.  This past year I’ve learned that God’s truths are truer than mine.  Do not be afraid to learn something new this year, even if it challenges a false “truth” in your life, because giving up something little to gain something big should be everyone’s New Year’s resolution.