ministry

"Single Parenting - Situation not Identity"

(By Thor Knutstad)

Single parents today, in unprecedented numbers, are in a very complex situation.  They are trying to raise their children within a complicated and competing system of authorities and influences.  Most (not all) were once, so they thought, defined as a "married parent."  But that is exactly where there is an "identity gap."  Single parenthood is your situation, not your identity.  When I lean on identity, my situation will always control me.  When I accept the stark reality of situational context, I can live in context and not in the false notion of identity context. Let me repeat myself here for emphasis and effect.  Single parenting is my SITUATION and NOT MY IDENTITY.  Let me explain.

I am the father of my sons.  I am not the father and the mother to my children.  I can't be, nor should I attempt to be both.  To try to be both is NOT God's design.  God does not expect double effort from me to compensate for what is missing or has been missed.  I cannot do the work of two people, though often it feels very much like this.  I have a ministry to my children.  It is my job to physically provide for and emotionally care for them.  I must provide verbal instruction and sometimes even physical discipline.  I must model a dependence on Christ, pray with and for them and do all these in the context of loving well. I must push them to excellence as they pursue God and this calling and as He pursues them.  I must forgive their sin(s), but I cannot allow their hurt, pain and brokenness to be their identity - I must teach them that is their situation - a consequence of brokenness, of sin and of living in a world full of evil that God is restoring and redeeming.

You see, this situation is NOT their excuse.  Single parents, do not lose sight of your child's responsibility to love, trust and obey God, despite their unpleasant circumstances.  A broken home does not excuse unbelief, rebellion, ingratitude, disobedience, disrespect, angry words or idolatry.  Let me repeat myself. Their situation is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior or disobedience.   Do not doom them because of what has happened.  They are not victims or byproducts of a broken relationship.  They are a part of God's design of learning to live in a broken world that is sometimes a product of a lot of sin, or a lot of being sinned against.  If you do not understand the situation of where you live every day, you will live in a confusing context of hating the messy reality.  Do good.  Love well.  Embrace your reality.  Don't walk in the fear that pushes back the power of loving your sinful child well.  Your God is transforming them too.  Admit that they are more like you than unlike you and that they are more like the other parent too than you sometimes want to admit.  Yes, I just said that.  Your child is MORE LIKE YOU than unlike you.  Humbling moment? Hmm...

Don't let single parenting pressures drive you to anger and self-absorption.  Instead, walk in a quiet confidence of humility that deals with their hearts as ever moving targets in a world full of sin and conflict.  Teach them to love God and their neighbor well.  Show confident respect toward their mom or dad and encourage your kids to do the same, even if that is not done for you in a reciprocal way.  As you model Christ-likeness in your situation, entrust them to God's care.  Let your kids see the aspects of reality in that former relationship sometimes - it is not your job to protect them from the other person's sin, the truth or consequences thereof.  Silence and appropriate withdrawal from that person (your ex) is sometimes quite appropriate, and even wise, and your kids will see it unfold.  Their eyes cannot be covered from the reality of the situation.  Sure, you want to pursue a positive relationship with that person as best as is able on your behalf, but sometimes it is this very lack of unity that causes war.  Needless to say, show humility, foster confidence, confront as often but as necessary, show mercy and control your body language and your tongue's words with that person.  Your responsibility to love your enemy doesn't escape even the most broken relationship.  Yet to walk in wisdom will not always mean being as innocent as doves and lambs; sometimes it will mean being as shrewd as a snake and as clever as a fox.  I'm only quoting our Lord, but we have to know the difference.  There is a season for everything.

I also encourage getting the help of family, other believers and your local church to help bear the burden of a single family.  The impact and assistance and the fellowship of others is paramount to you and your kids.  As previously stated, single parenting is not my identity any more than being married is or was.  It is my situation.  It is my context.  And as your journey unfolds in the pathways of time and moments, may the complex burden of single parenthood be a lighter burden to you.  If your family is still intact, praise God.  But this article is still for you.  Hear my counsel here.  Love well those under the yoke of situational single parenting.  Their task is heavy and their burden is not light.  Many did not choose to be here - someone else abandoned them or created this difficult context.  Sin's destruction always plays a part in getting people to places they would rather not be.  I once said to my friend Al about my situation, "You'd tremble if you were me."  His gentle and wise reply looking me straight in the eye was, "You're right."  True, but our sovereign God (read Acts 17) has designed a journey - a better one - one where suffering always leads to joy.  And this applies to you and your children as well.  God is leading them to greater joy.  Praise Him."

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Image Bearers

(By Thor Knutstad)

Many people come to me throughout the day for counsel and advice. They want answers and they desire to be fixed or have their situation and context changed. But what they really want is courage and comfort. They want encouragement and affirmation of what the Spirit of God is already doing inside of them and outside of their situation. They are not looking for answers, though they often would disagree. They want to be known - really known - and understood in their human souls on deeper levels. This craving exists not in weakness but mainly in being an Image Bearer. You are an Image Bearer of God. We all are.

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My sons are image bearers of me. They are unlike me yet quite a lot like me in many, many ways. They bear my image and my nature, though they are uniquely designed and created by God. They do resemble me- they look like me and sometimes even act like me- Lord help them. I want my children to KNOW me - to see my faults, my struggles, my strengths, my desires and the very being of my heart. This reveals who I am but also gives them the inner edge of knowing who they are as well. It is the genius of a Father's Grand Design- we are more like Him (yes, God) than unlike Him. Are we sinners? Absolutely. Mini self serving sovereigns? Sometimes. Desperately in need of Christ's saving work? Fully! But also, we are Princes and Princesses of the King. As honored sons and daughters, He is our inheritance and we will reign with Him. We are Royalty. We wear those crowns and robes.

Dear friends, don't condemn or accuse yourself with this biblically assumed fact that is oft overlooked- You are God's Child, His Offspring. Man- His ruddy and handsome son. Woman- His beautiful and decorated daughter. Simply stated and with simple meaning. If you have children or love children or love a child (all of you!), then you know the heart of your Father, our Glorious God. He made you to bear His Image. Why? Because it's really who you are already anyway. You are His Image.

He's just showing you what's already there and will stop at nothing to make you and me look more like His Son, King Jesus. It's right when you think you look just like Him that you hover near legalism and being a Pharisee - one who stands above another sinful Image bearer brother or sister and says, "Thank God I'm not like him (or her)." I'd rather you and I be the chest-beating, honest sinners who crave The Image but daily cower before our great God asking for mercy because we are moving toward His Image; His Image requires and demands it. Shepherd well your ambassadorship, oh dear Princess and Prince. The King is not so interested in you earning a crown but in showing you that you already wear it and resemble Him and bear the mark of His Holy name. Just like my hand holds the one of my son Bryn, so His (my Lord God's) firmly holds mine- and yours, too. Praise Him.

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