(By Thor Knutstad)
Single parents today, in unprecedented numbers, are in a very complex situation. They are trying to raise their children within a complicated and competing system of authorities and influences. Most (not all) were once, so they thought, defined as a "married parent." But that is exactly where there is an "identity gap." Single parenthood is your situation, not your identity. When I lean on identity, my situation will always control me. When I accept the stark reality of situational context, I can live in context and not in the false notion of identity context. Let me repeat myself here for emphasis and effect. Single parenting is my SITUATION and NOT MY IDENTITY. Let me explain.
I am the father of my sons. I am not the father and the mother to my children. I can't be, nor should I attempt to be both. To try to be both is NOT God's design. God does not expect double effort from me to compensate for what is missing or has been missed. I cannot do the work of two people, though often it feels very much like this. I have a ministry to my children. It is my job to physically provide for and emotionally care for them. I must provide verbal instruction and sometimes even physical discipline. I must model a dependence on Christ, pray with and for them and do all these in the context of loving well. I must push them to excellence as they pursue God and this calling and as He pursues them. I must forgive their sin(s), but I cannot allow their hurt, pain and brokenness to be their identity - I must teach them that is their situation - a consequence of brokenness, of sin and of living in a world full of evil that God is restoring and redeeming.
You see, this situation is NOT their excuse. Single parents, do not lose sight of your child's responsibility to love, trust and obey God, despite their unpleasant circumstances. A broken home does not excuse unbelief, rebellion, ingratitude, disobedience, disrespect, angry words or idolatry. Let me repeat myself. Their situation is NEVER an excuse for bad behavior or disobedience. Do not doom them because of what has happened. They are not victims or byproducts of a broken relationship. They are a part of God's design of learning to live in a broken world that is sometimes a product of a lot of sin, or a lot of being sinned against. If you do not understand the situation of where you live every day, you will live in a confusing context of hating the messy reality. Do good. Love well. Embrace your reality. Don't walk in the fear that pushes back the power of loving your sinful child well. Your God is transforming them too. Admit that they are more like you than unlike you and that they are more like the other parent too than you sometimes want to admit. Yes, I just said that. Your child is MORE LIKE YOU than unlike you. Humbling moment? Hmm...
Don't let single parenting pressures drive you to anger and self-absorption. Instead, walk in a quiet confidence of humility that deals with their hearts as ever moving targets in a world full of sin and conflict. Teach them to love God and their neighbor well. Show confident respect toward their mom or dad and encourage your kids to do the same, even if that is not done for you in a reciprocal way. As you model Christ-likeness in your situation, entrust them to God's care. Let your kids see the aspects of reality in that former relationship sometimes - it is not your job to protect them from the other person's sin, the truth or consequences thereof. Silence and appropriate withdrawal from that person (your ex) is sometimes quite appropriate, and even wise, and your kids will see it unfold. Their eyes cannot be covered from the reality of the situation. Sure, you want to pursue a positive relationship with that person as best as is able on your behalf, but sometimes it is this very lack of unity that causes war. Needless to say, show humility, foster confidence, confront as often but as necessary, show mercy and control your body language and your tongue's words with that person. Your responsibility to love your enemy doesn't escape even the most broken relationship. Yet to walk in wisdom will not always mean being as innocent as doves and lambs; sometimes it will mean being as shrewd as a snake and as clever as a fox. I'm only quoting our Lord, but we have to know the difference. There is a season for everything.
I also encourage getting the help of family, other believers and your local church to help bear the burden of a single family. The impact and assistance and the fellowship of others is paramount to you and your kids. As previously stated, single parenting is not my identity any more than being married is or was. It is my situation. It is my context. And as your journey unfolds in the pathways of time and moments, may the complex burden of single parenthood be a lighter burden to you. If your family is still intact, praise God. But this article is still for you. Hear my counsel here. Love well those under the yoke of situational single parenting. Their task is heavy and their burden is not light. Many did not choose to be here - someone else abandoned them or created this difficult context. Sin's destruction always plays a part in getting people to places they would rather not be. I once said to my friend Al about my situation, "You'd tremble if you were me." His gentle and wise reply looking me straight in the eye was, "You're right." True, but our sovereign God (read Acts 17) has designed a journey - a better one - one where suffering always leads to joy. And this applies to you and your children as well. God is leading them to greater joy. Praise Him."
