Not Just a Mood

My doctor’s words were the final blow.

“You need to see a psychiatrist. Things have gotten serious. Time for a specialist.”

I knew deep down that’s what he was going to say, but I still flinched to hear it. I nodded a reluctant ok at him, tears streaming down my face, words escaping my frazzled brain yet again.

There was a monster eating my mind. That's how it felt, day by day, losing my memory, my ability to sleep, my enjoyment of…anything. Things I loved--reading, gardening, teaching, cooking, baking--were all impossible to like. I used to devour books, and now I was lucky to read a chapter at a time before staring off into space, lost in churning thoughts and feelings that life was hopeless. I couldn't focus on much but the relentless daily conviction that everything was worthless and would never get any better. I was barely making it, going to work only to come home and go to bed, waiting for the day to pass and hoping that I would be able to survive tomorrow.

I finally by the grace of God saw my doctor and heard the words I needed to hear. I was recommended to a fantastic specialist who has guided me through some pretty intense treatment for clinical depression. The process is ongoing, recovery not an “easy fix” in the least.

I've learned a lot about severe depression and other mental illnesses like anxiety disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder. I had always been prone to low self-esteem and anxious thoughts, but the last several years of my life have taught me how debilitating these can become as they grow in intensity. My mom’s declining health and subsequent death were the major events that precipitated my illness, but other events in my life at work and home definitely contributed as well.

Here are a few truths I've learned about depression and mental illness during my battle…things I wish I had known before it hit:

·      It is a real illness, like diabetes or cancer. It is not a moral or spiritual weakness that requires you to “try harder” to “snap out of it.” It requires professional treatment.

·      Having a mental illness does not mean you are weak, selfish, and useless. God can use your pain. This experience has made me more empathetic, less judgmental, and more sensitive to hurting people in a hurting world. I never would have seen the good that could come from this if I had not gone and gotten the care I needed.

·      Family and friends suffer, too. They want to help but are often at a loss as to how they can. It isn't that they don't care; they do.

·      There is no shame in getting proper care. This may include medication, talk therapy, and other methods. For me, it required three different types of treatment to lift the dark cloud of depression. Many people resist medication, thinking that it's a sign of weakness. It's not.

In conclusion, as a depressed Christian, I have learned that I am still a beloved child of God. In the midst of tremendous pain, He preserved my life and led me to healing places. If you are in a bad place like I was, you are not alone, and there is hope.

Who’s Running This Place, Anyway??

It seems everyone is excited about SOMETHING lately: racism, Confederate flags, President Obama, gay marriage, the Supreme Court, or some combination of all of the above. I have never seen so much emotion on social media as I have seen over the past few weeks.

Of course, everyone has strong opinions on these issues. We would not be human if we didn’t! God has granted us the abilities to think and reason, and we should be using these gifts to learn and grow and formulate thoughts on the world around us. There is certainly nothing wrong or sinful about holding opinions on what is happening in the world.

However, how many of us forget the so-called “Big Picture” when we rail against the practices and thoughts of today’s world? As Christians, we are called to view everything through the lens of God Himself. Everything. Not what we like or agree with…all of it. This is tough territory, because differences in Scriptural interpretations often leave believers divided on how we think God sees a belief or practice. Roman Catholic or Protestant, Baptist or Episcopalian, Fundamentalist or Reformed: we all think that we have the “right” interpretation of God’s Word and its commands. So what is the “Big Picture” that we need to remember?

I think that Christians of all stripes need to remember one central Truth when we are faced with a confusing and tumultuous world:

                  For He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. - I John 4:4b (ESV)

That isn’t a qualified statement. It is absolute. God IS greater than he who is in the world. There are no exceptions. This means that God is greater, all the time, in all circumstances.

How tough is this to believe? I look at my own little world and find myself arguing with God often about how “poorly” I think He is handling things, or I convince myself that my life is “terrible” because God wants me to suffer. I KNOW these thoughts aren’t accurate to the God of the Bible, but that sure does not stop me from complaining when the going gets rough! It is awfully hard to maintain a perspective that God is in charge of everything when it doesn’t seem that life is going “my way.”

And I think a lot of us do the same thing with the state of the nation or the world. Some want a return to the “good old days” and what that represented as far as faith and morality in the United States. Others want a world where everyone is treated equally and fairly regardless of race or any other personal characteristic and don’t see that vision happening. We see a world that may be changing into something that does not represent what we believe, and we tend to lose sight of the fact that God is the same today as He ever was. He is still the One who is greater than he who is in the world. We may not know why “things” are the way they are, but we can rest assured that God is in charge and has not lost control.

I don’t think this means that we should stand by and do nothing about injustice in our world. God’s command to love our neighbor is also clear and absolute. There is no way we can show love and not help the persecuted or afflicted. But I do think that we do not need to fear our world. An all knowing, all loving God is “running this place” and will win out over sin, shame, and injustice.

Self-Confidence

I envy confident people. I see them everywhere—at work, at church, at family gatherings. Their lives seem so much easier than mine. They breeze through life, never paralyzed with doubt or second guessing. They never seem to wonder if they are “good enough.”

I want to be them.

I know that my viewpoint is a huge generalization and is mistaken in many ways. The mistake I am wrestling with right now is that I have an inaccurate definition of confidence.

Dictionary.com defines confidence as “belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.” The dominant word here is SELF. And isn’t this just what our society demands, a devotion to our talents, appearances, careers, and material possessions?

Even the lack of self-confidence is a type of devotion to self. The focus is on one’s own deficiencies and the wish to be a “better” self. Why else would self-improvement books, videos, and television shows be such a prominent part of American culture? Having low self-confidence is just as self-absorbed as having high levels of self-assurance.

Placing confidence in anyone outside oneself is such a radical approach to living that I can’t grasp it. The Book of Philippians presents a view of the possibilities of life that flips all conventional cultural wisdom on its head. The verses on confidence are no exception.

We are to have no SELF-confidence? That’s what Paul calls for.

Since Pastor Nate’s sermon last Sunday on confidence, I’ve been trying to imagine a life rooted COMPLETELY in Christ, not my performance. Not basing my value on my job performance? Worrying about how effective a teacher I am is such a huge part of my life, my brain space, that I can’t imagine life without that stressor. A life lived doing my job to the best of my ability but not worrying about it all the time? Wow. That seems so far out of reach!

Imagining this life is revealing how amazingly self-focused I am and how few of my thoughts center on Christ’s view of me as a child of His. I really struggle with the concept that none of life-NONE OF IT!-is about me. It would be such freedom to live without the struggles of performance based values, but do I really want to let my selfishness go? I’ve lived with it for forty years…it is just a part of who I am. 

The human mind and heart are tricky. We want to have confidence, but we shy away from the only One who can give us true assurance of our worth. We still tend to put faith in the temporal things of our own weak and inadequate brains because we want it to be all about us, all the time.  

As I sit here wondering with my low self-confidence if my clinical strength deodorant and anti-humidity hairspray are still working in this unbearably hot room, I realize once again how sanctification is an ongoing process. Someday I will be confident in Christ and stop worrying about all this other “stuff.” Starting with one step at a time, right here, right now.

Uninspired

I’ve been stuck in my house for six days now. 

First, the snowstorm that cancelled school for two days. Second, the bronchitis…the cough that is so nasty sounding that the doctor asked me if I smoked or had asthma when he heard it. (The answer is no to both, by the way.)

I went out yesterday, to the clinic and the drugstore. Other than that, just me, serial killer crime shows, and these four walls most of the time for almost a week.

Even my beloved cats are sick of me!

I remembered this morning that it was my turn to blog. My first thought was that I could not possibly be less inspired to write something spiritual and uplifting than I am right now. As my dad always says, I got nothin’. I’m a coughing, depressed, anxious, grieving, searching, achy, fed up, exhausted, burnt out little soul. My mind and heart have been aching…now my body has joined them. 

But maybe being uninspired is the best topic. Discouragement is hardly unique to me or the present day. 

One of the things about the Christian life that it has taken me a long time to learn is that a trouble free life, one of easy abundance and good cheer, is an illusion. We like the idea that prosperity will come our way with God as the divine Santa Claus, making a list of good boys and girls and checking it twice. This is simply not accurate. God is the giver of all good things, but we live in a fallen world where things will never be perfect. 

So disappointment and discouragement are inevitable parts of any earthly life, I’ve come to find. We will be afflicted with sickness, dysfunction, brokenness, and grief until this part of our lives is over. 

What do we do with these things? Hide them? Put on a happy face? Run away? Become angry and bitter? There are so many responses to the “bad” parts of life. I think I have explored every single one of these possible reactions at some point, and none of them has been healing. 

God is still God. The Gospel is still the Gospel. No matter what happens or how I am feeling, these things are True.

This is what heals. Gripping Truth when all you want to do is let go of your hope and your faith. Because if you hold on to something in spite of wanting to give up, then it is more powerful than anything else you may be thinking or feeling. It becomes the Most Important Thing, bigger than any emotion or circumstance.

I know my current discouragement will be temporary because I’m holding on to something way more powerful than my feelings and illnesses.

This isn’t easy. I am not “good” at this gripping of Truth. I still want many parts of my life to be something different than what they are. I find it all too easy to focus on my faults and problems than God’s glory. But I know this is a process that God uses to grow His Children:

“But we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” – Romans 5:3-4 NIV

Nancy Vasquez

 

God With Us

Every year, I get to listen to the outrage about the “War on Christmas.” 

We are besieged by those anti-Christians who want to wish us “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”!! Nativities are torn down by raging atheists who replace these sacred scenes with generic Holiday Trees! A quick Google search reveals websites, movies, and articles dedicated to fighting this holiday menace and putting Christ back where He belongs!

My problem with this so-called war is not that we shouldn't keep Christ in Christmas. My issue with the war is that it can’t exist. A war is between two powers, each of whom have a chance of winning. Do human ideas stand a chance against the power of the Creator of the Universe? God is big enough to handle naysayers and opposition. He doesn't need to be brought back into anything; He is already there.

As a public school teacher, I face some strong opinions from some fellow believers who see public schools as places where God has been “removed.” I always answer that God is as present in public schools as He is anywhere else. I see God’s presence every day as I teach. Last week I faced a tough and potentially dangerous situation in my job, and the support I received from my kids and co-workers was full of the grace and presence of the Almighty. He hasn’t been “removed” from anywhere; He can't be.

In fact, I find myself doubting God’s power at times, more often than I like to admit. I have had a tough couple of years, and I want answers. I want to know my purpose, my future, His plan, and I want to know it all RIGHT NOW. I take this prolonged waiting period as a sign that God has given up on me. The Truth of His unchanging power and love and goodness escapes my limited understanding. 

During this Advent season, I have been thinking a lot about hope and waiting in darkness. Israel waited in 400 years of silence before the birth of Christ, the Redeemer. And when He did arrive, it was in human form as a “regular guy” from Nazareth, living a modest life as the child of a carpenter. Thirty years of God dwelling among us before He began His public ministry and ultimate mission.

Did the waiting mean God wasn't there? 

Of course not. It was all part of the Plan to save us.

One of Jesus’ names is Immanuel, meaning God With Us. This prophecy from Isaiah 7 is a part of the Christmas story that we return to every year during this season. It would do us good to remember this fundamental Truth year round. God with us.

In modern culture. In our jobs. In our trials and joys. With us, everywhere and always.

Nancy Vasquez

Why I’m Afraid of Ebola…Opinions

I spend way too much time reading political posts and the accompanying comments on Facebook. The posts themselves are interesting enough, but I am really fascinated by people’s comments and how they reflect cultural mindsets.

The Ebola virus outbreak has dominated the social media world lately, and the posts and comments follow a common theme:

“Stop all flights from Ebola-stricken nations!”

“Keep all health care workers coming from West Africa in quarantine for 21-42 days!”

“A person in New York City has the virus! Who did he infect???”

The common theme is fear. Panic. A desire to protect oneself from the potential health crisis. 

Is it bad to be informed and want to protect oneself? Of course not. What scares me are the motives that accompany this panic. Most of the comments I have seen are based entirely on protecting Americans from this deadly virus. There is a real sense of protecting here and not worrying about the crisis “over there.”

Where is “over there”? How bad is it “over there” in West Africa? According to Monday’s edition of The New York Times:

“More than 10,000 people in Guinea, Liberia, Mali, Nigeria, Senegal and Sierra Leone have contracted Ebola since March, according to the World Health Organization, making this the biggest outbreak on record. More than 4,900 people have died.”

In contrast, only eighteen people have been sickened with the virus in the United States and Europe. (This is also according to The New York Times from Monday, October 27, 2014.)

These West African countries most affected by Ebola are among the poorest and most politically unstable in the world. Life is not easy at any time, much less during a deadly disease outbreak. Health care resources and basic sanitation are limited or non-existent in much of the area.

The Gospel is not limited to our little world of South Jersey. I’m afraid when we start focusing on our safety and comfort, we lose any vision we have for other parts of the world. How many of us have prayed for West Africa in the wake of this tragedy? Some of the Americans infected with the Ebola virus were missionaries and other aid workers caring for some of the “more than 10,000 people” affected in Africa. Are we praying for these brave people willing to put their lives in danger to save others’ lives?

Or are we more worried that we could be affected in our safe, insulated little worlds?

It is our obligation as followers of Jesus to bear compassion and hope for the darkest regions of the world. When we get caught up in the hype in our culture that is all about me and mine, it is really easy to lose focus on other people. 

Make it a priority to live the Gospel even in the “little things.” Pray for West Africa.

Nancy Vasquez

Grace and Shoes

Before I finally moved out of my parents’ house to my own place, my mom told me that I would never leave shoes all over the place in my new home like I did in theirs.

Mom was right about a lot of things, but this was not one of them. Shoes are in the bathroom, in the living room, in front of my dishwasher in the kitchen, on my front porch, strewn about my bedroom. My habit of leaving shoes wherever I take them off is a hard one to kill, apparently.

 I only think about how annoying a bad habit it is when it’s 6am and I need shoes to go to work. Yesterday I had to wear black shoes with brown pants because I couldn’t find one of my brown shoes. It’s somewhere, I’m sure. But in which room?

The road to permanent change is long and difficult. I resolve throughout the year every year to be a neater, more organized me. It happens, but it’s always a partial change. I slip into old mindsets and behaviors before I have even realized it. Periods of success and a sense of triumph are inevitably followed by the knowledge that yes, I still need to improve more. 

It’s here where I get frustrated with sanctification. Why can’t life just be an upward trajectory of growth and maturity? 

I want something that looks like this…

But I get something that looks like this…

Up, down, sideways. It’s not a smooth or easy ride in any way. 

As we go through this sermon series on what we as congregants should be doing to maintain a healthy church, I am reminded that growth is ongoing. That it will be a process throughout life. My habits in quiet times, tithing, Gospel sharing, and community are all sorely lacking in maturity and consistency. 

This self-knowledge is discouraging as long as it remains just that…SELF-knowledge. Add GRACE Knowledge to self-knowledge, and it is a whole different picture. Because there is grace for all of my imperfections and habits.

One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6, which says:

…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

We are promised that God will continue His work in us, no matter how frustrating or clumsy we are as we try to grow into healthy Christians. It helps immensely to remember this on days when you can’t seem to get it together or find your shoes.

Nancy Vasquez

Cluttered House, Cluttered Heart

My summer vacation has consisted of cleaning and organizing my house. I found very quickly that this task was going to be time consuming and would be composed of many, many, MANY stages. I think there were 27 different piles of junk on my dining room table alone to be sorted and trashed or placed in the proper room.

Why is my house this much of a pit of clutter in the first place? Well, I have really long list of excuses.  They are sound reasons: crazy school year, bouts with some nasty viruses, the emotional toll of grieving my mom’s death. My house reflects the chaos that has been my life for a year.

The realization I have come to is that the clutter didn't happen overnight. It was a result of a process of little things that were neglected over a long time. My house reflects, in many ways, the states of my mind and heart during some very difficult days.

States of mind and heart are not one time only moods or feelings. They are built up of minutes, hours, weeks, months and all the emotions that make up those times: Brokenheartedness. Hope. Confusion. Happiness. Strength. Weakness. Sadness. Tiredness. Fulfillment. Love.

When these changing emotions become your cornerstones, your realities, your ways of living life, you’ll be lost in a sea of contradictory and constantly changing beliefs and truths. I do not think most of us who are believers deliberately walk away from God. Rather, I think we drift away gradually when we mistake our passing feelings and moods for the Truth of The Gospel.

A friend shared this quote with me as we discussed the day to day grind of daily life and the negative attitudes it creates:

“It’s the little things in life that bother us. You can sit on a mountain but not on a tack”

--From Emilie Robbins in Country magazine, February/March 2014

While the big traumas of life can shake our faith, often it’s the buildup of lesser battles—the daily “tacks” that poke us—that drive us gradually away from the Truth of God and our relationship to Him. As Pastor Nate preached on Sunday, spiritual warfare is daily. It’s not a “once in a while” problem. We are constantly being barraged with our fears, doubts, and insecurities.

The Enemy uses this mental and emotional clutter to wreak havoc in our faith. It’s a gradual wearing down of our defenses.

The great news is that we are not alone to fight this. We have the support of the Creator of the Universe, the Messiah and Redeemer. We have the most powerful resources in the world at our disposal to hold us fast while we remember that we are children of the King. We don’t have to be victims to the whims of our fleeting emotions and weaknesses. We don’t have to futilely try to save ourselves from self-destruction. The saving is already finished.

Pray at all times. Read the Word. Hold it close.

When darkness closes in during tough times, keep praying and keep reading. 
When you are tired and frustrated and helpless, keep praying and keep reading. 
When your mind and heart are cluttered with the negative, keep praying and keep reading.
Jesus has already won this war. 

Nancy Vasquez

DONE

One of my classes informed me yesterday that they were officially DONE for the year. I teach Language Arts to high school seniors, so this wasn’t news to me. At this point in the year, the prom is way more important than poetry. Actually, pretty much ANYTHING is more important than poetry to these students.

My typical teacher answer was that just because they FEEL done doesn’t mean they ARE done. We still have plenty of school days left, whether they have the energy or motivation for them or not. Feelings don’t change the reality of the calendar.

This is an issue many of us face, sometimes daily. Being DONE. With pain, emotional and physical. With lousy circumstances. With uncertainty. With lives that aren’t what we want. Sometimes it’s just all too much: too relentless, too agonizing, too isolating.

But life and its demands move on regardless of the exhaustion. Jobs need to be done, houses need to be maintained, kids need to be cared for, bills need to be paid. There is no time to be at the end of your proverbial rope.

I have felt DONE many, many times lately. I have found the daily grind of work, home, and other responsibilities to be overwhelming in the middle of the difficult journey of grief and loss. Like my students, I have wanted to proclaim that I officially quit for the month, week, or year. 

As Pastor Greg has preached the past couple of weeks, I have been intrigued by the character of Hannah. Biblical characters are normally two dimensional to me, people who have done great things for God through their faith and goodness but are really too good to be real people. They are people I admire but can’t be.

However, taking a close look at Hannah’s grief experience has given me a new angle on which to view her. She, too, had the feeling of being overwhelmed with loss and sorrow. She was “done” as well…to the point of having no other option than to throw herself on the ground in prayer, weeping. As Greg stated in his sermon, hers was not a pretty situation or pretty prayer. It was messy and had no easy solution.

BUT Hannah throws herself on the ground in prayer anyway, despite the mess she is in. I cannot help but think of what I do when I am overwhelmed. Is prayer my first reaction to being “done”? Or is it a last resort after I have tried all of my other coping mechanisms and control techniques? Usually, I find myself trying to manage the situation before I go to serious prayer. I’m not willing to seek God first in what Greg called the “confusing in between,” that space where the purposes of grief and loss are unclear.  

And it isn’t that I don’t WANT to seek God. I don’t want to actively turn my back to Him. It is a matter of not prioritizing what needs to be first when everything gets to be too much to handle. Going to God in my grief and panic needs to be a default setting, an automatic reaction to stress and pain. That will only happen when I remember that everything that happens is under the jurisdiction of our loving God.

The only way to avoid feeling done is to go to the One Who has already done everything I need to live a fulfilled life under His grace, one day at a time.  

Nancy Vasquez

Failure Is (Not) An Option

It’s been a rough month.

It started with the flu. I woke up on Sunday morning one week and was a coughing, feverish, shaky mess. I decided after two days that being sick was not an option for me and dragged myself to work. It took me about ten minutes to realize that “mind over matter” wasn’t going to work. I was sick. Really sick.

Failure #1.

Yes, the flu was a failure to me. I couldn’t will it away. I was caught in its grasp until the virus ran its course. I had no control. I couldn’t work or be productive in any way. 

Upon my return to work, I realized that I was seriously behind on EVERYTHING…lessons, grades, other assorted paperwork. I sheepishly assured my bosses that I would get caught up within the week.

Failure #2.

Yes, being behind was a failure, too. I live to appear competent and in control. Now I didn’t look like either one. It felt terrible.

But I put a plan together. I would be in control once more! I plowed through my work, got things done. I had the perfect plan to be done by the deadline I gave my bosses, and it was HAPPENING. My world was in order once again.

Until I woke up that night with the unmistakable symptoms of either the world’s nastiest stomach bug or food poisoning. I’ll spare you the details, but you can imagine that the next day was not productive as far as work. 

I was still behind. Failure #3.

I eventually made my deadline by the narrowest of margins, but everything else in my life was out of order: my house, my relationships, my budget and tax filing. All had been neglected thanks to my illnesses and the zeal to get my work life together.

 I tried to get it together once again. I was filing my tax return…and reality hit. I made a mistake. A big mistake. A mistake that cost me a lot of money. I calculated, recalculated, researched. Yup. I had underestimated my taxes, and it was too late. I had to pay up with my savings. 

Failure #4. I NEVER make mistakes with taxes. Ever.

I spent a good part of that day curled up in a ball of defeat. My life had become, in my view, a disaster. Nothing was going well. Nothing. I kept asking God, What is this? A joke? A punishment? What are You doing here? I don’t get it.

And I’m still not sure I get it completely, but I’m seeing a pattern throughout all of these “failures.” Each one is based on an expectation of perfection from myself. I need to appear in control of my life at all times.  Mistakes and weaknesses are not OK.

During the current sermon series on The Everyday Gospel, we’ve learned a lot about limits and boundaries. It’s a different world entirely from the perfectionism I strive for. The idea that God deliberately sets limits on our lives is one that is far, far away from performance based Christianity. Thinking about God this way turns the events of the last month completely around.

 If I begin to think that all of these “failures” are really a part of God’s plan to shape me and limit me where I need limiting, then my attitude automatically refocuses on Him, not myself.

I’m just starting to really grasp some tough but important Truths: That life’s failures don’t define me. That circumstances beyond my control, like the flu, are not reflections of my weakness. That setbacks don’t break me. That mistakes happen and are survivable. 

And most importantly, that a gracious God is in charge of everything.

Nancy Vasquez

Confessions of a Serial Procrastinator

I’m sitting here at my desk at home on what feels like our hundredth snow day. A teacher’s work is never done, and I have a pile of papers to grade and lessons to finalize.  

I’ll probably do pretty much none of it today. Ok, I’ll finish my lesson plans because they are due tomorrow morning. But the stuff that doesn’t HAVE to be done now? That’s another story.

Procrastination has been the story of my life. My time management skills are awful and have been since childhood. I don’t want to be this inefficient, but it always seems to just happen that way. I have had a million resolutions swearing that I will be better next time. I will have a plan in place. I will be self-disciplined. I WILL DO BETTER. I WILL.

Then comes the inevitable failure and the self-shaming. You said you could do better, Nancy, and you have FAILED. Again. Just like you always do. 

I know that I am not alone in this mindset. Self-defeating inner dialogue is a part of many of our lives. Pastor Greg pointed it out in Sunday’s sermon about King Saul. A lot of us spend our lives feeling “small” and gathering evidence that our perceptions of ourselves are true.

The question of identity is an easy one to speak and a hard one to follow. I’ve been able to say that my identity is rooted in Christ for what seems like forever, but have I really LIVED that way?  When so much of my life is rooted in thinking about where I fall short, I’m not thinking as a daughter of the almighty God. I’m centered on me, me, and more me, not my Father. I am happy or sad based on what I am doing right or doing wrong. It has nothing to do with God. I’m giving the right answers but not living them.

The utter selfishness of the sin nature always wants to rear its ugly head, no matter how much we claim to know differently that it isn’t about us. We have Good News; the Creator of the Universe has redeemed and adopted us as His! But that Truth gets lost in the day to day self-chatter of all the control we think we should have in our lives. Absolute beauty gets lost in the petty ugliness of the human mind.  

Actually saying and knowing you are adopted as a son or daughter of God takes a daily, systematic fight against wrong thinking. Prayer, Scripture, Community, Counseling…all are great tools to battle wrong mindsets. But it is a daily, lifelong process, one that ebbs and flows. Rooting identity where it belongs is ongoing. 

My habits of procrastination are far from cured. But I can stop thinking about them as reflections of my worth.  They aren’t. I am not my habits, flaws, failures; I am a daughter of the King.

Nancy Vasquez

Simple Gifts for the Grieving

As we ended the Week of Prayer and meditated on our missions for 2014, I kept trying to come up with a Big Plan or Big Declaration or Big Mission. What I kept getting as I prayed was one word: Simplicity. The most important gifts we can give are often the simplest.

I've been blessed with many kindnesses over the past year as I've experienced the death of a parent. Some of the most heartwarming help has come from things that require neither large amounts of money or time.

Some background: Overall, our American church culture does a terrible job at caring for the grieving. I’ve been researching this topic a lot lately, as it has touched my life in deep ways. What I have found is pretty discouraging. Many people suffering from profound loss often feel isolated and abandoned after the initial surge of sympathy and support. Because American culture centers on the “can do” spirit, the grieving feel they have to pick themselves up and go on as normal even when the world has caved in around them.

Grieving can be from so many things: loss from death, separation and divorce, relationship breakdowns with family and friends. I would like to suggest from firsthand experience some simple ways you can give to grieving people in your life this year: 

I challenge you this year to reach out to someone who is grieving. Even the simplest things help heal hearts within the Body of Christ. 

• Communicate, communicate, communicate. Talk to the grieving. Let them know you're thinking about them. This doesn't have to mean hours of deep conversation and meaningful advice. There's a time and place for that, but a simple text message, quick e-mail, Facebook message, or even "snail mail" note can make someone feel they're not alone in their pain.

• Think long term. Don't forget your grieving friends after the initial crisis has passed. Grief is a long process that ebbs and flows. Again, you do not need to do anything "huge." Just being remembered is a gift.

• Share your own story of grieving and how you have dealt with it. My research is split on this, since grief is so highly personal that no two experiences are the same, and some don't feel that anyone can understand how they feel. In my personal experience, I have found it very comforting for people to share their stories of loss with me.

• Pray for the grieving. There is no more loving thing you can do for someone in pain than to lift them up to our Savior.

• Give the gift of Scripture. I love it when people share favorite verses or passages of comfort with me. On rough days, these nuggets of Truth give me something to hold on to in the storm.

• This also applies for favorite songs and hymns. Share them with your grieving friends. Music is a great emotional outlet and calming influence.

• If you knew the person who has died, share your memories with the grieving friends and family. Many people don't want to cause more pain and hesitate to talk about the person who is gone. Personally, I love for people who knew my mom to share their memories with me. It helps keep her memory alive.

Nancy Vasquez

Christmas Lights in the Darkness

They were buried in the back corner of the Christmas section of the store. I had to pass all the expensive, shiny, technologically advanced decorations to get to what I sought. 

Christmas lights. Good old-fashioned cheap incandescent bulb lights. $5 per box. The price was right. I put them in the cart and passed all the pricy LED color changing lights and gigantic inflatable lawn Santas on my way out.

This is the first year I have owned my own home. It is also the first year that I am navigating the holidays, the family times of togetherness, without the center of my family universe, my mom. Money and spirit are both at low levels. Yet…I wanted a symbol of some kind that all is not lost. For me, that became a cheap set of lights.

Two days after a tough tear-filled Thanksgiving, I set out to string the lights on my small porch. I wasn’t into it at all, but I kept going. A clip here, a clip there, a plug…and there they were. They looked pretty raggedy and not at all impressive. But they were working, glowing and colorful in the growing dark. 

I started to realize what is so important about light at Christmas. Sure, I always made the connection between the darkest time of year and the need to offset that with more lights to function by. And there’s always the relationship between light and warmth in the coldest season. And yes, the celebration of the birth of Jesus, the Light of the World, makes light a great symbol of the Incarnation.

What I see this year is that light equals hope. When everything around is dark and cold and lifeless, light fights that. Even if it is a just a tiny candle or mini incandescent bulb, it takes away darkness in its small vicinity. It does what it can within its power to eliminate what seems to be vast and endless.

 Hope is like that. Even if it is there in the tiniest, almost non-existent way, it makes a difference in beating back the darkness of despair and sadness. Hope is powerful and the antidote to all things dark. 

I know so many people dealing with huge struggles in their lives right now. Some have had moments of deep despair where things just don’t look like they will ever improve. I myself spent a few hours on Thanksgiving sobbing uncontrollably at a situation that will not ever change here in my lifetime. Loved ones don’t come back from the grave. Reunion will be in another time and place, a wonderful one. But that can be cold comfort in a moment of missing someone so badly that your body physically aches and you don’t think you can bear the pain of grief.

But we have a Savior who was born into humanity and experienced life’s hurts and disappointments. He knows our griefs and sorrows. He knows what it is like to weep at the death of a loved one. He knows what it is like to be betrayed by those closest to him. And He promises comfort for our pains and a glorious future. That’s hope personified. 

So my little Christmas light display is my symbol of hope. Even if it is small and dim and imperfect, any little bit of hope is worth displaying in the darkness of a life at times overwhelmed with pain. Any little bit of hope shows that the Lord is holding on to us and keeping us in His grace.

Keep the lights shining this Christmas. Small or large, dull or bright, let’s keep hope alive even in dark places.

Nancy Vasquez

God Will

Nancy Vasquez

Sin is hopeless.

 As a kid going to Christian school and attending church, I heard enough sermons about sin to last me a lifetime. Don’t do this. Don’t say that. Don’t even think about it. Fix your attitude. Be better. Try harder. 

I left high school with a sense that I was pretty much a failure. God loved me in some vague way, Jesus died for my sins, but I could never seem to “get it together.” The bouts of depression and anxiety that were a part of my life for as long as I could remember never seemed to totally go away, no matter how hard I tried to improve my attitude or say or do the right things to make God happy.

I did what a lot of young people are doing. I left church altogether. I was bitter and defeated and didn’t belong among all the others who had their “perfect” Christian lives in order: Christian college, marriage, kids, career. Me? I was very successful in college and career, but I didn’t belong with all of those who had the answers, the keys to God’s approval, as I saw it. God’s grace covered me in a thousand ways during these “lost years,” but I didn’t see it until later. I only returned to church in my thirties when I came to the end of myself and knew I had no emotional reserves left.  It was a move of sheer desperation.

God has revealed Himself to me in tremendous ways over the past several years since that move. But when I realized the sermon last week was going to be on sin and atonement, I reflexively wanted to bolt out of fear. I felt like that confused and sad teenager all over again. 

My fears were challenged by the following passage from Ezekiel quoted during the sermon:

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.  (Ezekiel 36:25-27 ESV)

Look at how many times the phrase “I will” is used in this passage. God is telling His people what HE WILL DO FOR US! He wants our repentance, but He is the one doing the heavy work of changing us. I don’t have to “get it together” alone and live in a cycle of trying harder and failing. HE WILL do the things He has promised for me.

It is human nature to try and do everything independently. Anyone who has spent time around toddlers can attest to the constant attitude of “I can do it myself!” Little kids want to do everything themselves even when they have a team of adults willing to help. We never really lose this desire for independence, and it wreaks havoc on our relationship with God and our understanding of the Gospel.

 We can’t do anything ourselves, but so often we latch on to the idea that we can. We do this even when we have Almighty God saying that HE WILL do tremendous things to us and for us. We get frustrated and give up even when the only resource we need has promised to do the work of changing our hearts.

Sin is hopeless. Our God is not. Jesus’ death and resurrection are proof of God’s ultimate power to change us.

Where is your hope today? What will God do for you today to change you?

The Hard Work of Honesty

Nancy Vasquez

My mom died suddenly a month ago. She was my best friend and confidante, one of the only people on the planet who would be completely honest with me when she saw me wandering down the wrong path. She would not hesitate to tell me that she thought I was making a bad decision or thinking wrongly. The reality is that she was not always right. Sometimes what she saw as danger zones were actually good things that she did not completely understand. 

But now that Mom is gone, I can see clearly that all of her advice, right or wrong, was coming from a place of truth in love. Even when she knew I was going to be as angry as a wet cat and just as confrontational, she still spoke up, not to drive me crazy, but to try to protect me. 

I get very angry when people are not honest with me, whether it is by telling so-called “half truths” or just flat out lying to me. But as usual, as I examine myself, I’m no different than they are. 

In Sunday’s sermon, Pastor Nate posed the question, Do you tell people just what they want to hear so they don’t dislike or reject you? My answer to that is, absolutely!

Paul’s struggle in Galatians was based on being rejected because he spoke truth that the church did not want to hear. Honesty is hard work. It means following the Spirit, knowing what to say to whom, and going through the sometimes agonizing process of dealing with the anger and rejection of those closest to you. 

It is so much simpler to lie, to say something is ok when it’s not, to smile and nod, to avoid confrontation so you don’t “rock the boat” of a relationship. In this case, one doesn’t have to prayerfully discern anything or say anything potentially confrontational. It’s the easy way out. 

The “easy way out” is a form of idolatry. It’s putting one’s own personal comfort and approval ahead of what God calls us to in relationship with others. Dealing honestly is one of the “elementary principles” we should have mastered as followers of Christ and too often don’t master at all. I personally would rather sit and stew on an issue than deal with it head on because it requires no risk or effort on my part to just simmer and brood. 

I take this easy way out all the time. I often don’t confront friends and family who need to be confronted. When I do finally deal with an issue, it’s usually out of a place of anger with the accompanying profanity and meanness that go along with utter frustration. It is anything but speaking the truth in love. If I followed God’s plan for honesty in the first place, I wouldn’t get to a spot where I speak ugly things that are not glorifying to Him. 

The easy route ends up being the wrong route, every single time. 

God wants us to do the hard work of honesty not because he wants to see us squirm.  He wants us to do all things well, to become more and more like Him.  He knows that our relationships and minds would be much healthier with significant doses of honesty. He also knows that we will need His mercy and grace over and over and over again to even begin to practice this. The good news is that He will provide this mercy and grace as we start and stumble and succeed on the journey.

A journey means getting started. This is a tough call to action for me, but I see that we will all have healthier communities and more God-centered hearts if we intentionally practice honesty.

Peer Pressure

Nancy Vasquez

During every school year, I ask my high school students if they give in to peer pressure.

Inevitably, all of my kids claim to be individuals who “don’t care what anyone thinks” and don’t give in to pressure to conform.  However, I look at a room where most of them are wearing the same clothes, listening to the same music, watching the same television shows, and texting the same things on the same cell phones.

I always ask, if you are such individuals, then why are half of you wearing the same Hollister t-shirt and jeans? 

Their outraged responses calm when we start discussing how conformity creeps into all of our lives whether we think so or not. We want to belong. We want affirmation. We want to be a part of a community that accepts us. These things are basic emotional needs that are part of the human experience. It is foolish to think that all of us of all ages don’t crave these things on some level.

The Church is no different.

Pastor Nate’s sermon on “Penguin Christians” was the first time I have ever heard this topic addressed.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve heard hundreds of sermons on Christian non-conformity throughout my life. The difference is that those sermons were all about Christians not conforming to the world. I had never heard about Christians not conforming to each other.

The more I think about the amount of conformity expected in the Church, the more I see it everywhere.

One of my favorite examples is politics. It’s one of my favorites because I have very different political views than most of my Christian friends. I have solid Scriptural reasons for why I believe what I believe politically, and my friends have excellent Scriptural reasons for why they believe as they do politically. However, I’ve spent most of my life not openly sharing my views. Why? Because it was expected that ALL OF US thought the same as MANY OF US. There was an assumption that “all” real Christians would vote for a certain candidate or think a certain way.

This is patently false. Just look at the people Jesus chose to surround himself with: people of all different economic backgrounds, occupations, personality traits, opinions, and flaws. The disciples were hardly a group of individuals who all looked alike and thought alike.

Another place we can look is the early church and the problems it experienced.  Paul spends a lot of time in his epistles discussing the Church as a place where everyone has unique gifts to contribute to the healthy, thriving body of believers. He also spends a lot of time discussing conflicts within the Body of Christ and how they need to be handled and resolved for the sake of the Gospel. 

Working together is a BIG DEAL to God. Being a unique individual is a BIG DEAL to God.  Neither one is optional for The Church and its members. It’s a big enough deal that we need to focus on it and stop making assumptions and drawing conclusions about fellow Christians based on what we think they “should” think or “should” be. 

And I think just talking about this issue is an excellent way to start. The first step of any process is identifying the issue at stake. Now we have. Take a bold step and start looking at your own heart. How do you expect believers to be just like you? What differences make you uncomfortable?

If we were all honest with ourselves, I think we would find a lot of expectations for conformity lurking within. Start looking!

Vision Problems

​Nancy Vasquez

I have vision problems.

Matt Cohen’s story of planting and growing a church in Philly was compelling, thought-provoking, and full of Scriptural Truth, yet I walked away with a nagging uneasiness about the message.

It wasn’t an issue with the speaker. It was with me.

My gut reaction was to say, How am I supposed to plant churches? I’m not young, dynamic and full of energy. I feel wild and crazy if I can stay up until 11pm. And I certainly don’t have the social skills to go out and recruit people for a brand new church.

You see, I think the vision to plant churches is great...as long as it doesn’t involve me...it’s just not my “thing.” Oh sure, I’ll volunteer for all kinds of ministries that are comfortable for me. Ones that use my skill sets and make me feel safe. But not, you know, ones where I don’t belong or excel at.

As I reviewed my notes from the sermon in the midst of this stream of thought, I saw one of the speaker’s points that I had written down. As the new church hit difficulty, the pastor was forced to come to the end of himself and realize how “unprayerful” he was.

This is my vision problem. This is what I wasn’t seeing. It’s not about me or what I want or what I can do or what makes me feel good. It’s not about my social skills or my energy level or lack thereof. I’ve learned much over the past few years about my identity in Christ and my purpose in His kingdom, but it is so easy to unwittingly fall back into self-centered blindness. 

Only when I drop the “me” from the frame can I truly release myself into what Jesus wants for me and what I can do for Him and what skills He wants me to use in what place at what time to further His agenda.

I can’t say I fully understand the church planting concept yet, and I sure don’t know yet what my place is in this endeavor. But I do know that I need to be in prayer for this vision of our church, and purposefully be asking what Christ wants me to do with it. So I’m praying, His will, not mine, be done.

What are some ways you are working though “vision problems?”

Picture Perfect Obedience

Obedience is a big part of my life. As a high school teacher, I spend a lot of time trying to get 150 teenagers to do what I say. This is often a futile endeavor.

There are the usual comebacks to my demands: “Why do I have to do this?” or “I’m just not feelin’ it today.”

 And then there are the nonverbal responses: the heavy sighs, eye rolls, and dirty looks.

Sometimes these protests are followed by the grudging following of whatever I asked. Sometimes there is outright defiance.  Sometimes the students will do part of what they are expected to do and ignore the rest. The responses vary, but rarely does the obedience come easily and cheerfully.

I don’t think most of us are that different from my students. We may end up doing the “right thing,” but we too often get there through a journey of grumbling and whining and second guessing of whoever is issuing the orders.

And the One issuing the commands is God Himself.

Many of us will do what we can to avoid the hard “stuff” the Lord commands: being a good steward of the gifts He has given, being open to whatever mission He calls us to, being forgiving and loving, being willing to capture every thought to put under His control.

While we’re busy making excuses for why we can’t, we’re missing the “big picture” of what life could be if we surrendered it to the Father.  

 Before last Sunday’s sermon, I had never thought of Jesus’ night in the Garden of Gethsemane as the perfect picture of obedience. If anyone had the right to reject and complain about what he was commanded to do, it was Jesus: the spotless Son, asked to carry and redeem the wrath of His Father toward a world of messed up people who deserved every punishment they had coming to them. But the Son accepted His Father’s command to become the world’s most complete picture of love and sacrifice.

There is something very beautiful in simply saying, “Yes, Lord, I will do as you will.” No excuses, no avoidance.

However, the reality is that this kind of graceful obedience comes at a price. Jesus had to die a painful death and take on the identity of a sinner to fulfill his “Yes.”  His sorrow at Gethsemane was real as He agonized about what His Father willed. Yet He still left the decision where it belonged, with God the Father. Jesus didn’t try to bargain His way out. He didn’t try to make excuses for why He couldn’t. He didn’t challenge the Father with a series of “why me” questions.

To obey beautifully requires sacrifice of self to Someone way bigger than we are.  Jesus led by example with His journey to the cross. His death and subsequent resurrection remain the most miraculous, life-affirming acts of love in history. Our acts of obedience to our Heavenly Father will result in the beauty of God’s plan unfolding as we grow in Him, both individually and as a body of believers. Let us strive to follow His steps by leaving personal agendas behind and simply, beautifully saying, “Yes, Lord.”

Are you willing to make the little and big sacrifices it takes to obey? What excuses need to disappear from your life so you can follow the Lord’s commands willingly? Pray and let the Spirit speak the Truth to you.

Blog entry by:   Nancy Vasquez

Missing Jesus?

“We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—“

                                -Paul Laurence Dunbar

These are the first two lines of one of my favorite poems. It speaks to the cultural truth that we like to hide from reality.

It’s second nature to me. I have worn a mask my whole life, one that attempts to make me appear as an individualist, willing to do my own thing no matter what anyone thinks. One that makes me look as if I don’t need other people’s approval.          

                Lies, all bold-faced lies.  I’ve only recently begun facing this truth that I’m a liar.

I desperately care what other people think. I always have. My life is so full of paralyzing fears of relationships that I literally can’t deal with them at times. I second guess everything I say, everything I do, everything I think:

                Did I say the right thing? Is someone going to be offended?

                I should have kept my mouth shut!

                Should I have done something differently? That made me look stupid!

I am, as I see it, socially awkward. My life has been spent attempting to emulate the outgoing, the “cool,” the people who can talk to anyone with confidence. When I couldn’t copy them, I sat in my tiny corner with a mixture of envy and awe toward those front and center, who work their way through relationships with seeming ease.                  

I became a people worshipper.  My entire identity was wrapped up in what other people thought of me. I clung to those who “approved” of me, my friends and family, as my heroes and my idols. When these idols let me down, as fallible humans always will, my identity went crashing down, too.

I was the first point in last Sunday’s sermon  a person embroiled in “an obsessive and destructive pattern of using people to…feel loved, becoming a slave to others’ opinions.” 

I was so busy seeking approval that I didn’t see what God wanted me to see: His plans, His purposes, His sovereignty, His wonder, His deliberate creation of me as I am.

There is such great freedom in taking the mask off, to breathe fully and without fear. To finally realize that I am God’s precious daughter, created as beautiful in His sight, even with what I see as horrible flaws. To be honest enough to reveal the truth that yes, I am a mess who needs to get my priorities straight, but I am not a hopeless mess. To step out in faith to do what I can to repair relationships destroyed in part by my unrealistic expectations of people as my saviors.

When my focus is on God, I have freedom to pursue what He wants for my life without distraction, to face Him and the world without the suffocating restrictions of a mask of lies.

Blog entry by:   Nancy Vasquez

Surrender to the Adventure

I don’t like surprises. Even good ones. As a child, I would cry when well-meaning relatives would have the servers in a restaurant sing “Happy Birthday” to me. I’d probably do the same thing now.  I like my restaurant meals and life in general to be safe, predictable, and steady.

In short, I am not one of those people who joyfully embrace the surprises God gives us all from time to time.

Mary and I have that in common. I’ve never thought of us as on the same page. Me and one of the great women of the Bible? Yeah, right.

Mary was planning a very ordinary, safe life for herself as a carpenter’s wife in Nazareth, a completely accepted and expected life for a young Jewish woman of the time period. When an angel showed up to tell her that God had bigger plans for her, she cheerfully accepted, right?

Not exactly. Like so many great figures of the Bible, Mary has become larger than life in our eyes, a human above and beyond our feelings and shortcomings. A look at Scripture usually reveals that those used by God are a lot like, well, us.

Mary was “greatly troubled” at the news she received. She needed to think about it.

She reacted just like I or all the other play-it-safe people in the world would. With anxiety. With fear. With questioning.

To live an extraordinary life as earthly mother to the Messiah, Mary had to let go of her ordinary expectations.

Letting go is hard. It means saying “yes” to the unknown, the adventurous, the threatening. It means saying “yes” to faith and hope and trust in the unseen.

Mary said “yes” despite her doubts because she knew Who was in charge of this great, exciting journey of life.

She had the wisdom to know she wasn’t in charge.

Saying yes didn’t mean the easy life. Mary had to face the shame of unwed motherhood, the questions, the rumors, the stares. She faced childbirth alone in a barn far from the comforts of home.

About 33 years later, she watched that innocent firstborn get crucified.

But she also watched the miracle of humanity’s redemption come to pass when that same firstborn conquered death and walked out of that grave alive and triumphant.

What’s better? The safe life we crave or the adventure God has in store for us?

It seems like such an easy choice. But it isn’t, when strong desires for a comfortable life and secure relationships with others stand in the way of Godly wisdom and surrender to the unknown.

Saying “yes” is a journey and a sacrifice, one the mother of our Savior knew well.

Let go of safety and let God take the reins. At least take the first step with a tentative “yes” to God’s will, not your own. Follow Jesus step by step, because He will never send you down the wrong path.

Go ahead, the still small voice of our loving heavenly Father says. You can do it. One step, one moment at a time.  We are His beloved works in progress.   

 Blog entry by: Nancy Vasquez