When I Don't Have a Buddy

My daughter Ava recently had an experience that made me feel so sad for her: she felt left out.

I wasn't expecting her to feel left out when she did; in fact, I was actually expecting her to be having the time of life when it happened. But the circumstances just aligned for her to experience that terrible feeling of not knowing where she fit in and feeling all alone among friends. 

And I felt so sad about it. I think I felt more sad than was appropriate because I myself know the pain of feeling left out, feeling like no one is interested in talking to you or being with you. And I would wish that she would never, ever feel that feeling in her entire life. I'd want her to always feel confident and happy with herself, ready to offer the wonder of who she is with anyone she's with. But unfortunately, that obviously can't be the case.

So there she was, feeling left out. Her dad started talking to her, and it felt like the lesson he was giving her was a treasure, something that all women should hear and live out. So I'll share it here.

He said to her, when you feel left out, Ava, you should:

• First of all, be happy for the friends around you who have a 'buddy' that they're hanging out with. Your natural tendency will be to want what they have so that you can feel settled, so that you can know your place. You might feel angry at them for having what you don't have. Or you might feel mean towards them because they have what you want, and they're not having it with you. But instead, be happy for them! Be happy they have a friend! You can be happy for someone else when something good is happening to them!
• Second, tell Jesus how you feel. Tell Him you feel sad that you don't have a 'buddy.' Tell Him you don't quite know where to go or what to do or who to be with.
• Jesus will probably first remind you of His love. He'll probably want to settle you in His happiness with you...and He'll want to remind you that your lack of a 'buddy' doesn't mean you're unloved or there's something wrong with you. He'll want to remind you that He made you and He's with you, and you are safe in His love.
• Then He might want you to open up your eyes and look around. He might want you to end up thinking about someone else who doesn't have a 'buddy.' He might want you to care about someone you wouldn't normally have noticed. He might want to help you to talk with someone else. He might have different plans than you do, and you might not have been able to see what He wanted if you had had your usual 'buddy.'

It made both of us think as he talked, how many adults know this? How many of us know to not envy what someone else has, but to be happy for them? How many of us know to talk to Jesus about what we feel? How many of us root ourselves in the Lord's love? And how many of us lift our eyes to what the Holy Spirit wants to do, and follow His creative ways instead of being upset that things aren't working out the way we want them to?

So I wanted to share this little parenting moment in the hopes that you, as well, will be inspired along with our daughter.

Sarah blogs regularly, connect with her at www.somuchhope.com 

30 Days of Realigning My Hunger: Why I am Fasting Facebook and Pinterest

My 13 month old loves to greet everyone and everything by saying “Hi!” in an escalating tone until they turn and acknowledge her. It usually makes them feel uncomfortable, and I laugh at the awkward exchange. However, on a daily basis, the word “some” comes in a close second for her most used word of the day.  Sometimes it means she wants more of whatever she is eating or that she wants to touch something that she probably shouldn’t, but more often than not it means “I want what you have.” She will take turns asking everyone for some of what they are eating, even if she doesn’t really want it or even if she has just demanded to get down from her highchair because she is “all done” with her food. 

As we as a church are now 10 days into the fast for the Millville church plant, it has taken me up until yesterday to decide how I wanted to participate. What was I going to fast and why? We were encouraged to identify what we turn to for our sense of satisfaction other than God. I scratched out the traditional, food, because I am on a strict diet with my second pregnancy. I initially decided against any type of media fast, having been convinced that I really spent little time using it; but alas, it turned out to be media anyway, specifically my use of Facebook and Pinterest.

I’m not going to go on a tirade of why I think either of these sites is bad because I don’t think they are. However, I feel like the Lord revealed to me a little of my own heart in how I use them at times. Pinterest, although it can be used to organize ideas and inspire creativity, can also, just like good circulars and magazines, be used to cultivate desire. After surfing through all of the endless possibilities for creativity, I find myself desiring to make, wear or be a part of whatever comes across my page that day. All of a sudden, I NEED to eat sriracha shrimp and wear bohemian pants while making a beautiful summer dessert in my perfect outdoor kitchen. I picture my reaction to the plethora of the ideal and the beautiful displayed in creative recipes and tasteful style to be much like my daughter’s. “Some, Some! I must have some.” A type of hunger has been created.

Now, I feel sort of intimidated after having been drawn into a picture perfect moment all the while knowing that it’s just that. It is PICTURE perfect and maybe not that realistic or practical. So… naturally I next go to Facebook. I try to keep up on the “news” in distant friends’ lives, but the longer I’m on the more I feel drawn into a comparison game where my sense of worth and identity then comes from how I stand in comparison to other people. “Are my pictures of my family editorial enough? No? Well neither are so and so’s. Ok I’m fine.” Therefore, Pinterest worthy moments can tend to become my aspiration and Facebook my affirmation of how close I am to that ideal and therefore how well I am doing. As long as my search ends favorably then I’m “satisfied.” Uh oh! If God is good, then I don’t need to look for my satisfaction elsewhere. Oops! How often do I give the better parts of my day and thinking to things that are far less worthy and unable to ultimately satisfy? Well that’s convicting.

During these 30 days, I am choosing to ask God to realign my hunger. I need Him to increase my appetite for His voice and perspective versus my desire for cheap substitutes. I am choosing to break from my sense of ideal, perfect or even good and asking God to give me more of His perspective as I create more space to be still. May He reveal His heart to me in even greater ways concerning myself and my worth, my family and the city of Millville. 10 days late, but I am jumping in. If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to do the same. I am looking forward to what He has to say to me and you. 

Is God Free to Do What He Pleases?

What can we learn from God? Particularly, what can we learn about His freedom of choice? I am thinking of the freedom God exercises to act in one way toward someone, or a group, and the freedom to act differently toward another. You may be thinking this is contradictory, but I want to emphasize that this is true. Throughout history, as recorded in the Bible, we see instances that reveal God choosing freely to act favorably toward a group of people while giving others a less favorable treatment--and that is putting it mildly. I was drawn today to Psalm 44, where we find a recounting of what Israel's forefathers have passed down to other generations. In the beginning of this chapter, we find the following recounting of how God acted in the past. And though the latter part of the chapter clearly shows that Israel is now in distress looking for God's help, what they have as a backdrop for their trust is the favorable acts they have experienced from God in the past.

Here we observe a contrast between God driving out some while planting or establishing others, afflicting some while setting others free; we also see God saving or granting victory to a group of people He chose. He also made evident the fact that their sword did not save them from their enemies. This passage emphasizes four other things that characterize God's actions toward them:

God, we have heard with our ears,

    our fathers have told us,

what deeds you performed in their days,

    in the days of old:

2 you with your own hand drove out the nations,

    but them you planted;

you afflicted the peoples,

    but them you set free;

3 for not by their own sword did they win the land,

    nor did their own arm save them,    

but your right hand and your arm,

    and the light of your face,

    for you delighted in them.

4 You are my King, O God;

    ordain salvation for Jacob!

5 Through you we push down our foes;

    through your name we tread down those who rise up against us.

6 For not in my bow do I trust,

    nor can my sword save me.

7 But you have saved us from our foes

    and have put to shame those who hate us.

8 In God we have boasted continually

    and we will give thanks to your name forever. Selah

God used His right hand, His arm, the light of His face, and His capacity to delight on a group of people to act favorably toward them. This stands in contrast to the way He acted toward others.

It is my view point that there is one thing that should cause us, human beings, to tremble before God and be in awe of Him: His freedom of choice. This reality of God is sobering. It obviously can raise the question: what kind of God is this who acts toward some in one way and toward others in another? Is He a fair God? Is that loving on His part? These are good questions, and they need to be addressed in the larger context of who God is and His larger purposes for humanity. A poor comparison, but perhaps a helpful one, is the earthly father who gives one of his children something but withholds the same thing from another of his children. There are many factors that inform that choice, and we would be mistaken to judge or assess the goodness of this father just based on one action that may seem partial or not equal.

Here is one thing that considering God’s freedom of choice has done for me: it makes me appreciate with the right kind of fear, the fact that I have been favored by God. I don't know about you, but I have come to a place in my life where the predominant belief of my life is that God is FOR ME. I don't have to wonder if that is the case or not. His grace abounds before me, behind me and around me, every day I exist. Psalm 23 is a reminder of this. I did not always see or experienced this personally; it is only by God's grace that I do today.

God's freedom of choice magnifies for us the grace we receive in light of what others don't receive or experience. This is a mystery, especially when we consider that there is a general grace that He dispenses over both the good and the wicked. He, according to the Gospel of Matthew, causes the sun to rise over good and evil and also sends the rain over both (Matthew 5:45).

How are you seeing God act favorably toward you?

Sharpen Your Affections With Fasting

This week I want to recommend this short article written by David Mathis for the Desiringgod blog. Last Sunday we began a 40 day fast at our church, and I think this article comes in handy in rethinking the value fasting can have in our lives. Mathis proposes that “...if we are awakened to see fasting for the joy it can bring, as a special means of God’s grace to strengthen and sharpen Godward affections, then we might find ourselves holding a powerful new tool for enriching our enjoyment of Jesus."

- Diego Cuartas

The True Value of Worship, Pt. 1

Worship has to do with recognizing God's worth and giving him the worth due to His name. Listen to Darlene Zschech, worship pastor of Hillsong Church, lay a good foundation to understand what worship is and how we can participate in the experience of worship with integrity. 

Who’s Running This Place, Anyway??

It seems everyone is excited about SOMETHING lately: racism, Confederate flags, President Obama, gay marriage, the Supreme Court, or some combination of all of the above. I have never seen so much emotion on social media as I have seen over the past few weeks.

Of course, everyone has strong opinions on these issues. We would not be human if we didn’t! God has granted us the abilities to think and reason, and we should be using these gifts to learn and grow and formulate thoughts on the world around us. There is certainly nothing wrong or sinful about holding opinions on what is happening in the world.

However, how many of us forget the so-called “Big Picture” when we rail against the practices and thoughts of today’s world? As Christians, we are called to view everything through the lens of God Himself. Everything. Not what we like or agree with…all of it. This is tough territory, because differences in Scriptural interpretations often leave believers divided on how we think God sees a belief or practice. Roman Catholic or Protestant, Baptist or Episcopalian, Fundamentalist or Reformed: we all think that we have the “right” interpretation of God’s Word and its commands. So what is the “Big Picture” that we need to remember?

I think that Christians of all stripes need to remember one central Truth when we are faced with a confusing and tumultuous world:

                  For He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. - I John 4:4b (ESV)

That isn’t a qualified statement. It is absolute. God IS greater than he who is in the world. There are no exceptions. This means that God is greater, all the time, in all circumstances.

How tough is this to believe? I look at my own little world and find myself arguing with God often about how “poorly” I think He is handling things, or I convince myself that my life is “terrible” because God wants me to suffer. I KNOW these thoughts aren’t accurate to the God of the Bible, but that sure does not stop me from complaining when the going gets rough! It is awfully hard to maintain a perspective that God is in charge of everything when it doesn’t seem that life is going “my way.”

And I think a lot of us do the same thing with the state of the nation or the world. Some want a return to the “good old days” and what that represented as far as faith and morality in the United States. Others want a world where everyone is treated equally and fairly regardless of race or any other personal characteristic and don’t see that vision happening. We see a world that may be changing into something that does not represent what we believe, and we tend to lose sight of the fact that God is the same today as He ever was. He is still the One who is greater than he who is in the world. We may not know why “things” are the way they are, but we can rest assured that God is in charge and has not lost control.

I don’t think this means that we should stand by and do nothing about injustice in our world. God’s command to love our neighbor is also clear and absolute. There is no way we can show love and not help the persecuted or afflicted. But I do think that we do not need to fear our world. An all knowing, all loving God is “running this place” and will win out over sin, shame, and injustice.

Dads and Family Leadership

An interview with Francis Chan. The title does not reflect all he says, since he basically aims to parents and where we are falling short in helping our children be socially and relationally fluent. As parents bring appropriate boundaries to their children and help them relate, children learn to be bridges between people they know and the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Music vs. The Noise

I love writing in a busy place. I can't figure out why exactly, but I think it has something to do with the way it makes me feel invisible. Like right now, I'm sitting in Starbucks at my favorite table, typing away with my headphones on. In the last hour, probably twenty or thirty people have walked in, ordered their coffee, chatted with a friend, and walked out without ever acknowledging I’m here. It's like I'm hiding out in plain sight. It's a weirdly safe feeling, but something about it keeps me dialed in to my writing. It's like background noise, only it's visual noise rather than audible.

I've been thinking quite a bit about noise this morning. Most often, when we think of noise, we are thinking of unorganized, audible sounds, like pots clanking together or anything by Nickelback. The operative word here is unorganized. Random pots clanking produces a purposeless, meaningless sound. It's something that ultimately doesn't mean anything. In a word, it's forgettable. 

Now contrast this with a symphony. A symphony also involves banging things together, but it's organized and moves to a very specific tempo. It's purposeful sound, sound in a direction. Symphonies impact people; noise is easily ignored. Nobody gets moved to tears listening to their dishwasher.

This principle applies to more than just music. When you take stock of everything that makes up your life today, which does it resemble more, a symphony or noise? What's your direction, your aim? What are you trying to say? If your life was a song, would people have it on their iPod? Would anyone say it meant something to them?

Far too often, we clutter our lives with things that don't matter. We lose sight of the big picture and make decisions that play out like a poorly timed guitar solo that makes you cringe. If you feel like your life doesn't make sense, take a look at the way you spend your time, your money, and your resources. Want to know what you value most? There's your answer. What you value is expressed by what you love. And when we lose sight of what our lives ought to be about, things begin to get out of order, confusing. Disordered loves never produce beautiful lives, just as disordered sounds never produce beautiful songs.

Living a life that amounts to more than cluttered noise is a lot like writing a song. It takes intentionality and passion. Certain rules and boundaries apply. You need more than just a few good instruments; you need to find a way to make those instruments work in harmony with each other. Ultimately, it's about saying something that counts, something that makes a difference because it exists. It's about making something beautiful.