I'm Happy for You

I have to say that for as taxing as parenting can be, the process contains such a treasure trove of lessons. There is something sacred, beautiful and stretching about having to take truth or a big life lesson and make it easy enough for a toddler and preschooler to understand. There is something powerful about hearing the Gospel come from my lips in its profound simplicity as I have shared it over and over again with my three and four year old. In those moments, I get emotional because it often feels as though I have preached to my own heart. These times that are peppered in among the fits and whining and the other not-so-glamorous parts of parenting make it all so worth it and are often the inspiration for what I bring you here. Therefore, without further ado, I bring you a snippet of encouragement from the Howard homestead.

We try to spend some one-on-one time with each of the girls and take turns taking them on special outings occasionally. However, after a few times of doing this, we have come to anticipate that it might be a little bit of a challenge for the girl who had to stay home when her sister returns to tell her about the fun she has experienced. We have seen quite a few meltdowns or grumpy attitudes during these transitions. These same reactions have also been witnessed when one sibling receives praise for a job well done. Why? Jealousy? I am sure that is part of it. However, I think it goes deeper than that to a faulty core belief that I have seen many adults live out of but few articulate; myself included. After affirming our love for the one that feels left out, what we usually discover is the same. The root of her unhappiness for someone else usually stems from the thought that her sister’s success or joy somehow means that she is missing out or has failed and isn’t good enough thus resulting in the meltdown, frustration and subsequent competition. It’s hard for her to say ‘I am happy for you’ and mean it.

Can you relate? Have you ever felt upset when someone else gets the recognition, job promotion, house or family you wanted? Do you have a hard time celebrating others’ successes? Maybe you have been on the receiving end. Maybe you have tried to share good news with people who are reluctant to rejoice with you without competing. I can relate to having experienced both. Neither is a good feeling. So then what? Here is the adult version of what I say when I coach my daughters and myself. Lean in, and I will tell you a secret. Say this with me. OTHER PEOPLE’S SUCCESS DOES NOT MEAN MY FAILURE.  Why? One, because you have nothing to prove. God is gracious, so your identity is not staked on how well you perform or how productive others say you are. Second, you serve a GOOD God who is not holding out on you. He has good things for you. His good in your life may not look the same as someone else, and that is ok. This process of slowing down and unpacking the beliefs behind my emotions is so important to allowing truth to penetrate deep in my heart. Oh how realigning the truth can be.

Our place is secure, friends! We are deeply loved, wanted and significant, so we can make others feel the same by being present. If we have the courage to do the work to go below the surface, we can make strides toward not being the walking wounded. We can rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn (Romans 12:15). We can seek to know each other’s story. Sometimes in our insecurity, the circumstances in people’s lives that we wish we had are actually the result of hard fought battles we know nothing about.

Let’s cheer each other on and love each other well. There is no need to compete and strive. Life can be challenging but beautiful, and we need each other. God is at work in our lives, and sometimes we need the reminder and deft eye of others to point it out. So come in close again, and I will tell you like I tell my children. Jesus loves you. You are ok. You are important. You are special. You are loved.

—Sophia Howard

The Sacred Mundane

At home, my husband Joel and I have been trying to actively teach one of my daughters what it means to be grateful. There is usually part of each day that involves her inquiring about what exciting thing we will be doing that day or what treats she will be having, followed by a lot of huffiness if the answer is not to her liking. To be fair, we as a family do try to enjoy each other’s company and daddy’s time off by going on what we call family dates. They most often aren’t elaborate. We end up sitting in coffee shops a lot to color or playing at the mall play place for free. However, we do this about once a week, so they have come to look forward to it and expect it. So on the other six days when my daughter’s questions are met with the ordinary happenings planned for the day she has taken to big sighs and saying, “Is that all?”  

I hear you, baby. I can commiserate with the child, having asked this question in life more than a few times myself. Is it an issue with gratitude? Sure. Sometimes. However, I think something I am struck by that goes deeper than that is our view of the ordinary and mundane. I can think of big times in my life where my sighs before God of “Is that all?” were just as dramatic as my preschooler’s. When I came home from college and it took a while to find a job, only to end up working at a restaurant for some time to pay the loans that were coming up for repayment, I asked the question, “Is this it? I thought there would be something more exciting awaiting me in this transition.” I am a stay at home mom, and after having my second daughter my husband worked a lot. She was a few months old, my oldest daughter was only a year and a half and it was winter. I was at home feeling lonely while trying to figure out how to juggle two under two years old. There were times during that season that I was confronted by the challenges and ordinariness of my long days, and I asked the same question.

In my questioning I have come to realize as I have unpacked those seasons and similar more recent ones that there has been a recurring theme. My asking, “Is this all?” or wondering, “That’s it?” stems from a working view that life is a big exciting adventure and I am missing out, or everyone else is doing big things for God and I’m not. Life happens “out there somewhere” and there must be something I’m missing if I am only experiencing the mundane. God is out there, and I am here cleaning boogies. Right? Wrong!

God is in the mundane! He is alive and moving and just as much a part of my wiping noses as He is with those doing formal ministry. He is not absent but He “…gently leads those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11). He does not view children as a hindrance to His “greater work” but says, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:14). He doesn’t need me to make big, showy sacrifices or assume that He wants me to be doing more than what He asks. Samuel rebukes Saul for that very thing because he disobeyed the Lord, trying to do for Him what wasn’t required. Samuel replies, “Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as obeying the Lord?” (1 Samuel 15:22) Yikes.

There is something about God’s presence in the mundane and ordinary that feels mysterious because there is a sense that though He is there to draw close, it can be easy for us to miss or overlook Him. We serve a dynamic God who is equally gentle as He is powerful. He whispers to Elijah on Mt. Horeb after an earthquake, wind and fire preceded him (1 Kings 19:11-13). He is also a God who shows big and glorious manifestations of His presence for all to see, as well as hidden ones to individuals. He appeared to Mary to tell her she would have God’s son. He took what might have been an ordinary point of her day and made it holy with His presence.    

All is for His glory. The presence of Jesus, Emmanuel, has made the mundane sacred, and by that awareness I am changed. There are exciting and miraculous things happening right in front of me. I am not missing out. In this week before Christmas may we be reminded of the nearness of God and have eyes to see His work in the bustle and busy, in stillness and quiet, in work and rest because He is as close as the reach of our hand.

A Lasting Legacy

It’s been six months since I turned thirty. I feel like now that things have settled into a new normal after welcoming our third baby in the spring, I can actually think about what that means to me. I’m no longer just out of high school. I’m not even just out of college. My twenties were marked by a lot of steep learning curves in every way. At age 20 I was a sophomore in college worried about making it through Organic Chemistry, and 10 years later I am married with three children and worried about my four year old’s asthma. We bought a minivan this spring after the baby was born, and there are times when I will be driving down the road and think, “Am I old enough to have a minivan full of kids?” “Who let me have a minivan full of kids?” Haha. A lot has happened in the last 10 years complete with re-routed dreams, suffering, wrestling with identity, discovery of new dreams, getting married, having babies, and learning, learning, learning through it all.

I have been struck with a thought recently, not just about everything that I am leaving behind as far as experiences and lessons learned in my twenties, but about what I am pushing toward going into my thirties and beyond. Within the last few weeks I have attended a funeral and heard of the passing of several other beloved people from our community or church family. People from my grandparents’ generation continue to leave us as time marches on and we all move up in line. This picture of being in line so to speak came to me after the funeral. Before you are like, “Oh my goodness Sophia! You are so morbid!” hear me out. I don’t mean that we are all just marching along toward death, but as we continue to mature and get older, it is important that we take our place, not just in society, but also in our generation and in the body of Christ.

The funeral I attended recently was for a dear high school teacher. She was a beautiful, spunky woman who loved big. She loved God, her family and students. What stood out to me from her funeral and her life was that she was a woman who was intentional about leaving a legacy of faith for the next generation. She had the future and heaven in mind. My grandparents and others I have known were the same.

So now what? It’s my turn. It’s my turn to take the legacy of faith left to me by these followers of Jesus and those who went before them and pass it on. I feel like I am moving up or being promoted. What an honor. I want to take my place as a thirty year old having graduated from one decade and being welcomed into another. I don’t have to pretend to be as mature as I hope to be at 40 and 50, and I don’t have to bemoan not being 20. I want to look ahead to the future and toward heaven by looking behind me at my children and their generation. I may not have a million dollars to leave them, but I have my eyes on an inheritance worth far more than that, that will never tarnish or fade.

What does it look like for me to take steps in building that legacy this year? It looks like me seeking Jesus like the great treasure He is, loving big even when no one is looking, being wholehearted and fully present in what I give my time to, being willing to be vulnerable by sharing my process, taking faith filled risks, and not letting fear be the loudest voice. I want my children and their generation to be able to say of me the same things they did about my high school homeroom and English teacher, that I lived with gusto and passion for Jesus and loved people well. I want to be a good example having learned from some of the best. I am looking forward to all that I will continue to learn on the path. Cheers! to being thirty… and a half.

—Sophia Howard

Belonging

I am going to tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a little girl that had a hard time making friends. In school, she was the “nice girl” that all the parents wanted their children to be friends with in hopes that she would be a good influence on them. She was a rules follower, respectful and loved to learn; therefore her teachers loved her. She even got along with most of the kids in her class too, but didn’t feel like she belonged or that anyone really wanted to be her friend as much as she did theirs. She would see certain groups of girls all huddled together everyday. They never went anywhere without each other. They played together, ate their Lunchables together and slept over each others houses. Her heart longed to be a part of a group like that. She wanted to know her place and to feel connected.

Fast forward through elementary, middle school, high school, college. Yes, she was blessed to have at least one or two friends for each season of life, but she still struggled.  Difficult experiences in friendships started to cement her working theory that maybe she wasn’t meant to belong or that she should hide herself in order to fit in. The voices of friends who told her that they wanted to have a positive and good day after she shared something hard and vulnerable nagged her to go deeper into her shell.

“Wow! Who is this sad girl?” you ask. You guessed it. It’s me! All my life I have struggled to “fit in.” At times as an awkward introvert, people’s first impression of me is just that: awkward. Throughout my life I have been dismissed as being intense more times than I can count. Now I can laugh about it but have often times felt misunderstood.

I can remember all of my pent up, unvoiced emotions concerning all this coming to a head when I was about 21 at an internship for the summer. We were at a teaching time, and the topic was on friendship and community. The speaker emphasized good community being a key component to serving God without burning out and to being a healthy individual. He said that we were made for community and encouraged us to make a list of two or three people with whom we could share what we had learned once we returned home. It was all I could do to sit through the whole session because it felt like someone was pressing on a wound. I left that session when it was finished and balled my eyes out. Why did it have to come around to that, a place I felt so bankrupt in? Did I have people at home that I surrounded myself with? Sure, but I didn’t feel truly known by them.

For what seemed like the first time, I sat with my disappointment and took an honest look at my expectations, hopes and fears in relationships and my desire to belong. It felt so raw but good. I even had honest conversations with God about how I thought it unfair for Him to keep calling me to community without giving me any direction on how to do that (He was. I just didn’t perceive it), especially when what I was doing was obviously not helping me procure “my spot.” After I vented for a while, I got quiet and remember Him speaking to me a phrase I have mentioned in other blogs that has continued to resurface over the years. He said, “Home is where I am with you.” And all of a sudden peace flooded my soul, everything made sense, and I never struggled with a sense of belonging again. Right? Wrong. I felt comforted by the reminder that the Maker of all things walks with me and that His presence is the ultimate sense of home, but change didn’t happen overnight. It was the start of a nine year journey of working that out. Nine years because I am thirty and still working that out.

What that moment introduced to me was the thought that in Jesus I have everything I need to truly belong anytime, anywhere. The sense of home I experienced doesn’t have to be ruled by relational circumstances. I don’t need permission to be myself. I don’t have to hide. I was and always will be known fully and loved by God, and because of that I can be vulnerable with others and don‘t have to hide. I can walk into situations knowing that my worth cannot be detracted from. My integrity doesn’t have to feel threatened by the wave of people’s opinions. I belong. I have a place.

It has been quite the journey. I am still learning so much including relational skills, honesty and healthy expectations and boundaries. However, I am learning to own and enjoy who God has made me to be, regardless of the outcome. I am becoming myself, and it feels good to be outside of my shell.

--Sophia Howard

Summertime

“Summertime and the livin is easy…” It’s that wonderful time of year again when the days are longer and filled with warmth and light. Produce is in abundance, and many of our schedules flex and change to enjoy the outdoors and some extra relaxation. The kids are home from school and vacations are booked.

I remember the feelings of excitement and anticipation I have experienced as summer approaches. Growing up, summertime meant an extended break from school or college and reconnecting with family and friends. The promise of summer held an expectation of rest but also an expectation of adventure and new experiences.

After graduating college and entering the workforce and then eventually having children, my summers have looked different. The season still arrives, but the extended time off with no responsibilities is no more. Then, work continued year round whether it was warm out or not, and now as a stay at home mom there is no “vacation” from mothering per se. However, I am not complaining or upset.

This year, I knew that going into the summer I would have to be kind to myself and move at a slower pace for my family and myself as we adjust to a new baby and to life as a family of five. As I have been taking things a day at a time for the last month or so since my husband is back to work after family leave, I have enjoyed thinking back on previous summers. I am astonished and amazed at how much things have changed over the years and nostalgic over memories of internships I have taken and people I have met.   

During my reflection, I have noticed a pattern that God has been bringing to my attention. Although summertime was a naturally more relaxed time over all, for me it was also marked by accelerated spiritual growth and times of deep refreshing for my soul. I did summer ministry for a few years from 8th grade until around 11th grade, during which we had regular devotional times together and individually as workers. Going into college, I participated in summer internships centered on prayer and seeking God. After college, I have memories of going to the library and spending extended times of reading the Bible, journaling and praying. It may seem intense, but I think it was kind of God to allow me to have these experiences at an age that could have been marked by confusion and wandering. They were so foundational to my faith and relationship with God. Choosing to cultivate a love for His voice and experiencing His presence in unique ways during those seasons set the tone for the rest of my year as I built a history with God. It established my walk with God too in that I knew what God’s voice sounded like for myself. 

So, “Good for you Sophia. What’s the point?” I am not typing this out to toot my own horn. My point is what if we as the body of Christ and as a church saw summer as a strategic placement in our year to cultivate God’s presence and to find deep refreshment for our souls as much as our physical bodies and schedules? What if we really pressed in with some of our extra time to take a deep breath and be refueled by His presence? What if we slowed down to hear His desires for us and our time of rest or His thoughts and strategies about going into our fall season?

I believe that God has brought to mind some of my previous summers as a gentle whisper to my heart. He has been inviting me to remember and to anticipate not just fun but a deeper sense of His presence and an even greater love for His voice. And you know what? I have always enjoyed these months, but I feel excited again. The same God who was with teenage Sophia and college Sophia is the same God who is with this mama of three littles. He had things to teach me then, and He has things to teach me now, and it is so, so life-giving. It may be vacation time, but let’s not take a break from pressing into God. EVERYTHING THAT WE DO comes from the place of knowing and being known by Him. Our pouring out cannot be sustained unless we are also being filled up. My children need a grace-filled mama, and my husband a grace-filled wife. My world needs a Spirit-filled follower of Jesus, but I NEED and want to know Him because I was made to find who I am in His presence.    

Will you join me? What ways are you going to cultivate your heart and God’s voice in your life this summer? If you need practical ideas of how to do this, I would be glad to have a conversation.

--Sophia Howard

The Unbeaten Path

I turn 30 in a few weeks. I can’t believe it. It feels kind of surreal to realize that I won’t be twenty something anymore. However, although I can say that it definitely has me doing some reflecting and evaluating of my life, I feel pretty peaceful about it. 

When I look back on my story, I am struck by the overwhelming theme of God’s faithfulness and his good leadership over me on many “off road” paths. From the standpoint of what man may call ideal, there is a lot about my story that was the opposite or shouldn’t have worked; but I am so glad that with God nothing is wasted and that He makes something beautiful out of the unlikely.

So as to not rehash my whole life and make this the longest post ever, I will start at high school graduation. When I graduated high school, my plan was to attend a four year college for pre-med. I would work my butt off and then be accepted into medical school. I had been accepted to Houghton College in a super small town in upstate New York after putting all my eggs in one basket and not having applied anywhere else. They had a reputation for being strong in the sciences among other things.

I started college full of gusto and enthusiasm and thoroughly enjoyed my first year. Sophomore year is when the struggle got real and I delved deeper into my major courses. I soon realized that although I loved science, my high school education had not prepared me well for college level science courses and I started to fall behind. I somehow managed to keep my head above water though and spent many long days at labs and getting extra help. Junior year began, and I was already feeling a little burnt out, but I continued on as the work load increased and tried to balance it by hanging out with an unlikely “carefree” group of people. Midway through Junior year, other realities started to hit. It had always been a stretch and a sacrifice financially for me to attend this college. It was an out of state private school and not cheap. However, God always seemed to provide exactly what I needed just in the knick of time. 

This time was different. I was on winter break when I received a phone call from financial aide stating that if I didn’t come back with about the $3,000 that I owed for the semester that I could just stay home. We were able to get the money together but about two weeks after the semester had started. Back up to New York I went and scrambled to catch up the rest of the year. Summer was a very welcome break, but cue fall of Senior Year. Again I am short on funds for the year and this time have to wait a whole month into the semester to return. My professors were gracious enough to still let me enroll after the cut off dates even though I had missed a lot. After my late start, my grandfather died, and I went back home for a few days to be with my family for the funeral, etc. That was the breaking point. I fumbled through the entire rest of the year emotionally and academically. Even after working as hard as I could, it was clear that I wouldn’t be able to finish all my credits in time for graduation, so I decided to take a May term. Again things did not work out according to plan, and I came home instead, never having finished about six credits.

I returned home feeling utterly defeated after what seemed like the grand derailing of my life. I took a job at a local tearoom, which was a fun change of pace but didn’t pay very much, and it was the only thing I could find. The tearoom closed after my six months there, and I spent another six looking for another job to finally land one at a doctor’s office. Hooray!!! Things were looking up, I thought. Fast forward through two hard years at that place and many steep learning curves about boundaries, integrity and once again following Jesus in less than ideal circumstances. I was able to quit after my husband and I had our first baby in the summer of 2014, and I have yet to return to work outside the house.

Here I am on the doorstep of 30. After looking back on the start of my twenties, do you know what I feel??? Gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful because in all of the derailing of my plans, in the less than ideal, in perceived failure and hardship, God was in it all. He never left and He has and is making use of everything. He broke me down, and the things I was looking toward to save me in order to build a deeper relationship with Him and to create greater tenacity. Both of these things I would need for the financial struggle, difficult pregnancies and brokenness in relationships that would come later. I have found God on the unbeaten path and the road less traveled, in questions and unfinished journeys as much as in the joys of life. So here’s to 30 and the myriad of experiences it will bring. With God, life can be quite the off road adventure. Where are some places in your story that you can see God’s presence with you on the detour?

--Sophia Howard

Embracing My Limits: Lessons Learned While Slowing Down

There is nothing quite like being forced to slow down. And there is nothing that halts me in my steps and redirects my pace quite like pregnancy. This third time around you would think that I wouldn’t be surprised by the necessary change in rhythm to accommodate my limitations, but alas it has caught me off guard again.    

I feel as though I am living what might have been deemed the “time of my confinement” during medieval times (haha) as I am forced to rest for long periods of my day. Some might think, “How heavenly! Forced rest.” However, I have found it to be challenging. First of all, I’m not just talking about a nice pregnancy nap here and there, but something more along the lines of bed rest at times where I need to have someone come and make my girls lunch and play with them so that I can sit for a while (aka hours). It’s not easy for me to sit still with a toddler and preschooler running around needing attention and making messes that I can’t clean. However, what has felt more difficult is not just having to be still but having to let go of my ideals of being super mom and housewife and having to “trim the fat” off my schedule. Everything not 100% necessary has been placed to the back burner including extra involvement at church.

Having to cut back on things has been revealing to me again my tendency to believe that I have to perform in order to be valued or that part of my identity is in what I do. I have wondered about what people might think about my decreased participation in things at church right as my husband has started a new position there. The questions start to roll around in my mind. Should I push harder to be more involved? I feel like I am missing out on things God is doing. What do I tell people I have been up to when they ask? Sitting on my couch and being a wife and mom to my best ability?   

The great thing about wrestling with questions during this season has been having the extra space to process them before God. Here are three things that He has revealed to me as I bring my questions and feelings to Him:

1. It is RIGHT for me to embrace and make adjustments to live within my limits.   He has never asked nor expected of me to be HIM essentially. He doesn’t expect me to have super human strength. Although this season won’t be forever, learning to embrace my limitations will. They are God given, and they do not surprise Him. I don’t have to push past them and do more.

2. I have nothing to prove in all of this waiting and “down time” and I AM NOT missing out on what He is doing. This one is HUGE for me. My identity never was and never will be found in just what I can do. I have nothing to prove to others. I am not failing by recognizing my weakness and need to take breaks. I AM NOT missing out on what God is doing as if He only exists to be glorified in the tasks I complete for Him in formal ministry. He doesn’t remove His presence in my life until I can jump back on the bandwagon at church. What He is doing isn’t just OUT THERE. He is at work in our home and my children and me. That is no small thing.

3. Life is found in walking with God and doing what He requires of me, NO MORE and NO LESS. This is another big one for me because I think I can confuse what I think God is asking of me with what my desire is to do for Him or what I think people’s expectations of me are. When I try to prove myself and do more than what He has asked, I get burned out. When I do not step out to do what God desires even when it feels stretching then I get stuck. He gives us rhythms and limits not to cramp our style but to bless us and reveal new things about Himself. He is GOD and is fully capable of using anything and everything for His glory not just the tasks that I deem good enough. Thank goodness!

I want my life to speak of the greatness of God by embracing my limitations and not pushing past them to control and prove myself. I want my children to grow up knowing that God is near in all situations and not just the ones that we consider big and exciting. They don’t have to strive and burn themselves out. I can literally be still and know that God is God. The world hasn’t stopped because I have to slow down and neither has He. That is comforting.

--Sophia Howard

To God be the Glory

This is long story but bear with me. I want to speak up and share our story of the last few months as I feel it is unique and glorifying to God to be shared in full. We found out that we were expecting our third baby sometime in late August of this year. Knowing that pregnancy was a possibility and yet wanting to take medicine for a headache, I decided to take a pregnancy test while we were out on a date that night. And…surprise, it was positive! So, no meds that night, but I didn’t care. I was over the moon. We both were. Trying to make it through the corny movie we had already paid for after that was a challenge. Haha.

Fast forward a few days, and I was having mild pain, which I figured I would fill my doctor in on. At the time I wasn’t worried as this was common to my other two pregnancies, but I figured that I would play it safe. I left a message, and by the time they called me back they were about to close and couldn’t see me, so they suggested that I go to the ER to get looked at. I was annoyed because I wasn’t trying to make a night out of it, but I complied and went anyway.

To summarize the visit, it was a disaster. I went in for right-sided pain that ended up not being addressed when they did an exploratory ultrasound. The reason was that they had found something suspicious on my left side that couldn’t be ruled out as a possible ectopic pregnancy (which means there is a pregnancy growing in the wrong place), even though it was too early to be certain. Upon this discovery, the recommendations started flying with the least drastic being to follow up with my OB in a few days. Confused and dumbfounded, we left with heavy hearts and waited to hear what the doctor would say in a few days.

Two days later, I followed up with my doctor who wasted no time telling me what my options were. The assumption was that there was no doubt that this was an ectopic pregnancy even though I was only five weeks or so, and if I didn’t act now my tube could rupture and I could bleed out. Did I want to take a pill that would cause me to miscarry? Did I want to have surgery to remove the suspicious blob in my left fallopian tube and remove all contents of my uterus with it? Or did I want to be conservative and have surgery to see what was happening on the left while keeping what was growing in my uterus. I felt God lead me in that moment to not be quick to rid myself of what was so uncertain at the time, and I chose the third and most conservative route. However, after feeling bullied toward a certain decision, we went to Philadelphia for a second opinion.

After two long visits to the same hospital, we were told in no uncertain terms that this pregnancy would absolutely not turn into anything. We were told that it was not a baby but the product of conception, which could be anything at this stage, and in this case an empty gestational sac. The doctor asked if we wanted to stay and have the procedure performed that night while mentioning that if she performed it, she would just go ahead and take everything at once. After determining with the doctor that my life was not in immediate danger, God gave my husband and I wisdom again to hold out a little longer because I already had the exploratory surgery scheduled for two days from then.   

The surgery came and went and you know what??? They didn’t find anything suspicious in my left fallopian tube, and so they left everything where it was. We had a little glimmer of hope. Cue tons of follow up blood work and ultrasounds and a follow up from my doctor again. During the visit, she went over the symptoms of miscarriage and informed me that it wasn’t likely that anything would form after surgery. Repeat ultrasound number one; the tech couldn’t see anything. The sac was still empty. Ten days later was repeat ultrasound number two and our last chance to hold out before the doctor would want to intervene again. I got to the dim room and my world stood still. 

Up to this point my husband and I had kept some key people and family in the loop and had been prayed for on top of all the praying and seeking God we had done ourselves. We talked on our way to this ultrasound and reaffirmed that we were there for each other. I was prepared to say goodbye that day (to what was always a baby to me) if the Lord had again decided that He wanted to display His glory in my life by having me walk through something really hard. He had in a lot of other parts of my story. However, I had decided that no matter what I would not hold my heart back from Him in bitterness. I had built too much history with God up that point to even entertain the thought that He wasn’t good, even in this. I had just finished a huge chunk of the Old Testament as well and was reminded that often when God came through in the biggest ways, He first allowed every man-made attempt to fall short. When it looked as if all the odds were against His people and they were staring at their enemies, BOOM! He came through. No one was able to deny that it was all God. I prayed with that in mind and humbly asked for a miracle this time.

I laid there on the table and didn’t try to look at the monitor and figured I would just wait. She moved the wand around and took a lot of pictures in silence, but right before she moved on to check some more specific things she said, “Oh, and so you aren’t worried, there is your baby, and there is the heartbeat.” WHAT?! I couldn’t believe it. She immediately started to print a bunch of pictures. There on the screen was the most beautiful flicker I had ever seen. Joel squeezed my hand and we cried. 

Once things slowed down and I was able to process a little more what had happened, I was floored again. It wasn’t even just by the fact that God had worked a miracle for me (which is no small thing) but the realization that nothing in my life had been wasted. I got to reap some of the fruit of following Him into all the previous difficult parts of my story. He had shown me that before just by the immediate perspective that comes from being on the other side, but it was different and new in this experience. Amongst the tears of uncertainty and pain of bad news, there was always an undercurrent of peace and strength from years worth of testing and getting to know His vast and mysterious goodness. I am not blessed just when I receive everything I want. Everything up until now has been worked out to bless me and bring God glory. He has and continues to dig deep trenches in my heart that increase my capacity to receive more from Him. To God be all the glory! I am now 17 weeks.

--Sophia Howard

HERE I Raise My Ebenezer

If anyone was wanting a glimpse at my writing process, here it is. It is currently 3:26 on Tuesday morning, which is the day that this is due, and here I am beginning to type away. The girls are asleep. Joel is asleep. I am sitting on my couch next to one dimly lit lamp, with the whir of the fan and the tapping of my keys breaking the silence. It’s quite peaceful actually. Why am I writing this late? Is it because I procrastinated? Actually no. When it comes to writing these blogs I have now learned to trust the process, and I enjoy it. I think about my topic and wait for inspiration all month long, knowing that this blog entry is coming up. Even up to the day before I mull it over and mull it over. I usually have an idea and begin writing much before this 3am time only to scrap everything and start over when that alarm goes off. I always go to bed thinking, “This is dumb. You are setting your alarm for 3 as if you are actually going to be able to wake up and think clearly.” Yet, for whatever reason, it works every time and so here I am again.   

What is on my mind this 3 am? This morning I am basking in the afterglow of God’s incredible goodness these months. This past Sunday evening, some of you may have seen my post on Facebook bragging on my husband who swept me away on an AMAZING surprise date. What I couldn’t relay in one little post was the incredible significance that time held. After six years of relationship, four years of marriage, two children, many joys and many struggles, my husband having taken all of that into consideration set up this date to commemorate all that God has done.   

He had our little adventure all planned out. We traveled to Philly and ate at a good restaurant where I had THE BEST SCALLOPS EVER (seriously), then we went to the top of Liberty one observation deck where you get a 360 degree un-obscured view of the city. Once we were up there he sat me down at a high table next to the window. With the sun setting over a beautiful view, he explained to me that his reason for doing this was to acknowledge all that we have been through and all that God has done. He pulled out a jewelry box and said, “Here are two of the most precious things God has given to us.” I opened the box to a beautiful tree locket with pictures of my gorgeous girls inside. Well, cue heart melting and tears because I lost it.   

My husband and I go on weekly dates that aren’t as elaborate as this one. However, whenever we have the chance to celebrate a milestone or anniversary we go all out. Going all out doesn’t mean that we spend huge amounts of money every time. Sometimes we go all out in our creativity and thoughtfulness. We have noticed that while we have gotten used to suffering in some ways we want to be good at celebrating too. Some people wonder what it is that we do when we date or will make comments like, “What are you celebrating this time???”

So what do we celebrate? Honestly, sometimes it is just the fact that, “Phew!” we made it through the week and we still have each other. Other times, and many other times at that, we are celebrating some aspect of our love story and how we love being together. Recognizing our part in a bigger story, we want to be quick to remember God’s faithfulness and goodness in our relationship, so we invest in our marriage. On August 6, 2017 we raised a hypothetical Ebenezer as we recounted again God’s miraculous help and enjoyed our time.

Just like in writing, I am learning to trust the whole process and enjoy the ride. Even though life can be a mixed bag of circumstances, I still have reason to celebrate. I don’t know if you are anything like me, but I sometimes live as though my life is categorized into extremes. I shift in my thinking from everything is great to everything is awful or from hope to fear and back again. I have wrestled with the lie that I must be ok with pain OR faith-filled, like in Pastor Greg’s sermon on lament, as if the two can’t mix; and I have thought that celebration can only accompany “big news.” To me our more elaborate dates combat that thinking and celebrate a God who prepares a table for us in the presence of our enemies. I am finding that life is not always cut into nice even pieces, and I can’t postpone joy until it all pans out according to my ideals. Life is messy and complicated and simultaneously filled with joy and pain, laughter and tears, yet the midst of it all I have met Jesus over and over again with his sleeves rolled up and engaging me in the mix of it all.

Greater Than Wonder Woman

A little over a week ago I randomly went to see Wonder Woman in the theater. I will try not to spoil it for anyone who may still want to see it, so here is a general synopsis. It was a super hero movie focused around a woman named Diana who is the princess of a hidden mythical people called the Amazons. Born to fight, she is trained to be an undefeatable warrior from the time she is a little girl. Through a series of events, she meets a pilot named Steve who tells her about a great war happening outside of her world. Filled with compassion and convinced that she can end the fight,  she goes with him to war and kicks butt the whole way. The End. Haha

As Diana grows up, the movie gives glimpses into her training by the General of the Amazon army Antiope. Antiope does not go easy on her as she tries to prepare her for a battle that everyone knows is coming but is not sure when. We see different sparring scenes where she is learning and growing in strength and skill. During one such sparring session with the general, Diana is doing well but not winning. Antiope goads her and essentially tells her that she is capable of more than she knows.

One of the things that struck me was the theme of hidden potential. All throughout the movie it comes back over and over again as Diana’s complete identity and therefore power is hidden until the end. Spoiler alert: Unbeknownst to her, Zeus was her father therefore making her a goddess. As you can imagine, her fighting changes upon this discovery and goes up a notch once she knows what she is capable of.

But you know what, friends? We have something greater than the power of Wonder Woman that we don’t always take advantage of. No, we are not gods, but we have God as our Father and His Holy Spirit sent to us as a powerful helper. How does he help us?

He teaches us. Jesus tells his disciples that when He returns to the Father that the Father will send the Holy Spirit to “…teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:25).

He helps us in our weakness. “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words” (Rom. 8:26).

He changes our morale and gives us hope. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Rom. 15:13).

He reveals to us the heart and mind of God enabling us to walk in truth. “…these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God” (1 Cor. 2:10-12).

These are just a few of the things He does. This should change the way we fight. I don’t want to forget the access that Jesus died to give me and how that impacts my everyday life. He sent the Holy Spirit to train me in following Him whispering, “This is the way. Walk in it.” He teaches me about Jesus. He knows what God thinks and feels, and He tells me about it. He gives me strength in my weakness. He changes my heart and gives me hope.   

Sounds pretty amazing and useful, but how does this change the way I live? First, if I believe those things to be true and that God has thoughts about my life and my world, I want to seek to know Him and be more informed by the Spirit than by my phone. I want to give room to being taught. If He gives help in my weakness, then I want to lean into His strength and not rely on my performance. If His presence offers power, then I want to be a conduit and let Him move through me giving me the words to say to my children when they ask me questions like, “Is God a good, good Father and is He a Holy Spirit?” (as my daughter Savanna has taken to asking these days).

“…the Spirit of God dwells in you…the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you…” (Rom. 8:9,11). He enables us to “ have mercy on those who doubt, save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear” (Jude 22). He is able to keep us from stumbling that we may walk out our identity as sons and daughters of our great God and declare the excellencies of Him who called us out of darkness and into his marvelous light. Can Wonder Woman do that?

--Sophia Howard

Courage Dear Heart

I celebrated my 29th birthday last weekend. Eek! I can’t believe it. My husband planned a sort of progressive celebration, beginning with breakfast at our house with my parents and siblings. Growing up when it was one of our birthdays we would have a time of “words of encouragement” as we called it, where we all went around and said something kind and encouraging to the birthday person. We have held on to this tradition even into adulthood, and so there I sat in anticipation. It is always such a meaningful time to a big words person like me. We have long since moved past the “I love you because you are nice, and I hope you have a good birthday” of our childhood and are really able to speak into each other’s lives. Nobody coordinates with each other what they are going to say, so it’s interesting to see how themes develop from what everyone says. This year what stood out to me was courage.

It came out in things that different ones said. I was encouraged to be in the moment, having the courage to embrace the seemingly mundane aspects of life as a mom because God is in it. I was encouraged to be myself, having the courage to fully be who God made me and to do what He has called me to do. I was encouraged to not be afraid of taking risks in my friendships, having the courage to not hide or apologize for my convictions. All of these were spoken by my husband and family, however, what blew me away this year was the fact that all of these seemed to coincide with what I have felt God to be speaking to me over the last few weeks.   

I have written before about some of the challenges of this last year for my husband and me, one of which was his medication change and hospitalization in the fall. During that season it took all my strength to hold on to truth and not allow my mind to endlessly scroll through lists of terrible possibilities in my head. What is interesting to me though is that the faint whisper of “have courage and stay alert” comes to me now and not then. Why? It seems more apropos that this pep talk would come during a season of pain, right?

I am realizing in my relationship with God though that He loves to build a history with me. Although there is plenty of His presence and insight during times of struggle, He doesn’t leave or grow complacent in His teaching or preparing me during “peacetime,” even if it might be my tendency to want to coast during better circumstances. The combination of His voice and the memory of His presence with me in the past are an anchor for my soul during tumultuous times.  

There is an excerpt from Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis that I love. Lucy along with her brother Edmond, her cousin Eustace and Prince Caspian are sailing along toward an island in the distance. The farther they travel, the darker and darker it becomes. They can’t see their way and lose sight of where they are going. In the midst of the fear and uncertainty, Lucy calls out to Aslan for help. The darkness does not lessen, but light appears and then this happens:

“Lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. At first it looked like a cross, then it looked like and aeroplane, then it looked like a kite, and at last with a whirring of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross. It circled three times round the mast and then perched for an instant on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow. It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them. After that it spread its wings, rose, and began to fly slowly ahead bearing a little to starboard. Drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidance. But no one except Lucy knew as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, ‘Courage dear heart,’ and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan’s, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face.”

I have been through seasons of longing for His voice, perspective and peace when my circumstances were scary and shadowed by uncertainty. However, the tenacious chasing after God shouldn’t stop when things get better, but continue. God invites us to continue on the adventure of building a history with Him both during the difficult times and the times of rest, during times when it feels like we are trying to keep our heads above water and “smooth sailing,” when we are fighting for survival or fighting complacency. The daily cultivation of His presence in our lives and identities rooted in who He says we are, are anchors for our soul when adversity does come.

So seize the day because“…This is the day the Lord has made…!” No matter what the season, embrace the mundane because God is in it; be yourself because God made you beautifully; take risks because there is grace abounding. Whether you are in the darkest storm of your life or just coasting on the other side, “Courage, dear heart.”  Stay alert, stay close to Jesus and run hard.   

Like a Child

Our family is just recovering from the stomach bug this weekend. It has been a crazy flurry of staying up with two kids on the couch while they drift in and out of sleep, to being sick and having tons of loads of laundry. Before this weekend I have had a sinus infection I can’t seem to kick, and the girls had colds. AND, in the midst of it all, we have had some rough days trying to teach my 2½ year old to come under authority. So, amid the tissues, tears, tantrums, vomit and snot was one frazzled, impatient momma and some grumpy babes.

I have been here before, where everyone is sick and I feel spread thin (and this is no discredit to my husband because he has been sooo helpful). It isn’t the first time Savanna hasn’t obeyed, and it won’t be the last. However, these are the moments, although normal and reoccurring, that seem to catch me off guard in terms of how fast they can bring out the ugly in me and steal my joy.

I remember one day in particular last week where it seemed like my daughter threw a tantrum almost every time she didn’t get her way, which, as you can imagine, was a lot. I felt like the whole day I was a referee breaking up little fights over toys and doling out verbal warnings, time outs and spankings. Midway through the day we took a break for lunch. I was hoping food would improve all of our moods at that point. We ate in quiet except for worship music playing in the background. Savanna finished first and asked if she could get down and dance to the music. She LOVES music. I said yes, and then she asked if I could play her favorite song which right now is “What a Beautiful Name it is” by Hillsong. I turned it on for her and returned to the dining room table with Alathea. As I sat there, I looked and saw her twirling around with her arms up, belting out the words to the song. My heart melted.

In that moment, as I watched her and listened to the words of the song, it was as if a light bulb went on in my head. “Oh! Jesus.” I thought. I realized that although I pleaded for grace and mercy all day and all week long, I hadn’t made any time for my heart to be refreshed. I felt his invitation to come before Him. I may not get huge amounts of time for extended prayer and worship, but what is the posture of my heart toward Him during the day? Am I open to His leadership, perspective and voice?

Being a mom and being invested in the growth of my children feels like it is teaching me more than it is them sometimes. I learn so much from their little lives. For example, sometimes I act as if God showing up in my life or addressing certain things is because He is trying to rain on my parade rather than because He too is invested in how I grow. In comparison to God, I will always be as a child. I need to come under His authority as I train my girls to come under mine. I can trust that the way He leads is perfect, even when He opposes what I want, as I too am training Savanna to obey even when she doesn’t get what she wants 24/7. When I want her to hold my hand while crossing the street, I am not trying to ruin her life or limit her freedom but keep her safe. How often do I view my limits as a curse rather than a blessing? What are some areas that God is trying to lead me in that I may be acting like a tantruming toddler?

I am sure there are ways that I act like a “brute beast” (Psalm 73:22) before Him in my lack of understanding, yet He never ceases to delight over me. That moment after lunch while watching my daughter dance carefree, my heart was filled with love and joy. I thanked God for invading my day and week when I had forgotten to seek Him and for His gentle training of me. How kind He is. The rest of our day still had its moments, and the rest of the week we spent recovering only to get sick again, but I felt more joy in caring for my family and grace for their learning as I remembered that I am learning too.

Happy New Year

Let me be the first to wish you a happy New Year a little early. What are your plans to celebrate? Hanging out well into the night with friends? Sitting at home watching the ball drop? Pulling the blinds and turning in early like usual? I used to hang out late with friends and usually go to Philadelphia for dinner and fireworks. Now, New Year’s celebration involves an early evening dance party in the kitchen with my husband and girls and normal bedtimes. Though different vibes, both experiences have been great. Although plans change every year, the one thing that stays the same is my time of reflection. As a deeply feeling, introspective person, that time of reflecting over the past year is like a holiday in itself for me. So, here is some of my year in review and what I‘ve learned. You’re welcome.

For starters, the word I would use to describe my experience of 2016 is BIG. This was a big year. It was riddled with experiences that packed a punch. Some were absolutely thrilling while others were devastating. Ah life! You crazy rollercoaster, you. Here are some of the joys and challenges of 2016:

1.    In May we took our first family road trip for Joel’s grandfather’s funeral. We received the    news of his funeral and left on the same day. While my husband was at work, I packed for    all four of us, rented a car, booked a hotel and then we picked him up and drove all night      to Kentucky. Still can’t believe we did that, but we are so glad we did.
2.    Joel started a new job as a second grade bilingual teacher. Huge answer to prayer!           
3.    As a teacher, Joel was off this summer for the first time since we have been married. It was a great time of rest and restoration for our family. We had extended time to slow down, breathe and enjoy.
4.    We took our first ever family vacation to the Poconos with my in-laws. The girls had a blast playing with cousins and looking at deer that would cross in front of the cabin every day. So fun!
5.    I received training to start my doula business. It was so freeing for me to step out after all this time and take a risk to try something new.

Challenges

1.     We have walked through two major health crises for my husband, including a recent 10-day hospital stay in October.
2.     We had to improvise for Alathea’s first birthday celebration because not only were both girls sick but Savanna had pneumonia. It was sad to see my two year old so sick and to feel bad that Alathea didn’t really get a party.
3.     We were not strangers to financial hardship.
4.     After four years at my church, I’m still trying to figure out where I fit and how to use my gifts. Sometimes I feel like a kid on their first day of kindergarten. Haha.

    Of course, this is not a comprehensive list but just some of the highlights. You may be thinking, “That’s nice, but so what?”

This process of writing allows me to take my honesty before the Lord to a new level. It’s one thing to have experienced something wonderful or something hard, but it is another thing to see it on paper. As I relive the “Thank you God!” moments and the “What the heck?!” moments, my heart feels freer than if I allow years and experiences to roll by without slowing down to capture them and assess my heart. I ask myself questions like, “Why was I so happy about that?” or “What was I relying on in that situation that made it extra hard?” As I do that and process the year with fresh eyes, something wonderful always happens; I get new perspective. In retrospect I am able to see God’s work in my life in ways that I was unable to in the moment. God becomes great, glorious, good and gracious again, putting the rest of my world in its proper place. So I move forward looking backward. I don’t want to forget God’s faithfulness, lessons learned or memories made. If God is for me and God is with me, then it will all make a great story someday, and I am looking forward to looking back on it again. 

Dear Alathea

Although I have been out of school for years, I may be forever ruined by the school calendar. September always feels more like the new year to me than January. With that sense of newness comes anticipation and excitement for me. Change is in the air. There is a change of weather, change from summer routines and daily rhythms, change in clothing and decorations, new learning opportunities etc. Some years the changes are big. Last year we were anticipating my husband changing jobs and the birth of our second daughter, Alathea. Other years, changes may feel like minor tweaks or refining. Looking back on this year, September to September, I have experienced quite the gamut of both. In a little over a month my daughter will turn one, and with that realization comes all the emotion, memories and lessons learned this past year. The best way I could think to process that and share with you was through a letter to her. So here it goes.

“Dear Alathea,

Oh man. Here come the tears, haha. My little love, I CANNOT BELIEVE that it has almost been a year since you were born. Just this time last year, I still had yet to meet you, and having suffered much with my health during my pregnancy with you I was both thanking God everyday that you weren’t born early and yet wishing the days would speed by until your birth.

Your birthday came soon enough, somewhere between early and right on time. There you were, pink and perfectly beautiful with a cry that often sounded like you were heartbroken. Although you weren’t my first baby, I experienced so many firsts with you. For one thing, I got to hold you and snuggle you right away, and you stayed in my room with me the WHOLE time I was in the hospital. I didn’t want to put you down because I was sure that the doctors and nurses were going to have to keep you longer like when Savanna was born. I was trying to treasure all my little moments with you.

Even though you were the second, you were the first I experienced the newborn stage with. My first times up exclusively nursing in the middle of the night were with you. You were the first to sleep in our bed. After a few nights of little to no sleep, I wasn’t as worried about doing everything by the textbook.

You are the first and only you. Learning your personality and seeing what you bring to our family through your little life has been such a joy! You are such a gift, sweet girl. You are determined, and quietly observant but oh so smiley. You love your big sister. Just the sight of her makes you laugh.

You are so loved. God knew what he was doing when He gave you to us and to me. Your name means truth. And you, beautiful Alathea, are a living Ebenezer, a marker of God’s truth drawing close to us through your life. I feel like I get glimpses of what God feels about me when I look at you and Savanna: great joy, delight and compassion in abundance.

I am also learning again the beauty and significance of little moments. As your mama, sometimes I am tempted to think that my life is passing by in insignificant little moments of picking up messes, wiping boogers, endless nursing and laundry. Oh, the laundry! I get tempted to feel like I am not doing enough. However, since you have been born, I am realizing again (like a child I too am being patiently led by God) that you two girls are my greatest mission, and ‘…little moments are significant because they are little moments. These are the moments that make up our lives. These are the moments that set up our future. These are the moments that shape our relationships’ (Paul Tripp, The Significance of Little Moments). Life really is made up of little moments. God slowed me down during my pregnancy, and most days felt as though they were being lived moment to moment of being faithful to my diet and taking my medications. Day by day I relied on Him for strength. And today still, day by day and moment by moment I rely on Him for wisdom and perspective for my days.

It is my hope that one day you will be able to learn from me what I am being taught by God through being your mama. Alathea, the moments when I follow His voice when no one is around are important. The moments I choose to be fully present with you both over finishing my agenda are important. Life is made up of many moments, and though they may seem fleeting, in the grand scheme of things they are big.

I am so glad you were born.

Love, Mama”

Friends, may God grant us grace to live fully engaged. The “little” moments are significant and make up the richness of our lives.

Huddle Up: It’s Time For a Pep Talk

I always love a good pep talk. My favorite part in many movies is the part where troops are rallied or the main character gets a jolt of strength from recalled wisdom. These moments seem to give a bird’s eye view in the middle of heated circumstances offering the perspective needed to carry on. In similar fashion, I write this for you, for I have found that even when life seems to be relatively uneventful, the ordinary and mundane can whittle away our perspective if we allow it. Let us not lose sight of who we are fighting for, who we are up against or where we are going, whether we are in the thick of battling the hard things in life or going to another day of work. Let us not forget that we are participants in a great story. Let us not forget who we are.

 We have often heard about the powerful impact our story can have on others as we live openly and talk about Jesus’ presence in our lives. However, I have realized that I have to get good at preaching truth to my own heart and soul before I can effectively share with others. So, here is how my pep talk to myself goes.

Who am I fighting for? What is He like? I fight for God, and He is incredibly powerful. “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all of these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength NOT ONE of them is missing…Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.” He is incredibly good. “…He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” (Is. 40:26,28, NIV). He is incredibly gracious and compassionate. “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love…As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.” (Psalm 103:4, 13, ESV).

Who am I up against? “… Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8, NIV).” “…He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth , for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44, NIV). 

Who am I? What is true of me? I am free. “For the law of the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death” (Rom. 8:2, ESV). I belong because I am a child of the most high God. “…you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons by who we cry ‘Abba! Father!’…and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ…” (Rom. 8:15, 17, ESV). I am part of a great heritage of faithful fighters. “We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved” (Heb. 10:39, NIV).

 So why do I keep fighting for truth and striving to run this race with excellence? I fight and run to win! “I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable” (1 Cor. 9:24-25, ESV). I am a participant a GREAT story where God crushes all my enemies and makes me more like Him. “…He will dwell with them and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away… Behold, I am making all things new” (Rev. 3-5, ESV).

This God who is incredibly powerful, good and gracious saw fit to save me! He stepped in to my family’s history and drew close to my grandparents and parents so that I might have the chance to know him. He rescued me from the power of darkness and my enemy the devil who would seek to keep me bound in lies. He has forever changed my identity to be a free, dearly loved child adopted into a new family of faith. He is too big and has brought me too far for me to quit. Hallelujah!! This is the perspective that keeps me going and the pep talk that gives me the tenacity I need to engage daily. So let’s go! It’s time to get off the bench, out of the huddle, back onto the battlefield and into the game. 

Sophia Howard

Take Your Place

I have had people ask me what it’s like or how it’s going having two kids. The short answer is that it is going well, I like it, etc. My long answer is what I will attempt to explain to you here. I am not the same Sophia that I was just two short years ago before having children. Being a mother is one of the most challenging and beautiful things God is using to transform me. I am changing, and change is good.

Everyday my strengths and weaknesses are exposed. My multi-tasking skills have gone through the roof, for one thing. I have managed to nurse the baby while spoon-feeding my then 16 month old and feeding myself. However, I am not always patient, neat, gracious or even joyful. I could list other ways our household has changed having experienced the challenges of less “down time,” more messes, and feeling pulled in different directions; but I would be remiss if I didn’t include the joys of little girl giggles, baby cuddles, the wonder of watching them experience new things, lots and lots of singing, reading and being creative, dance parties in the kitchen and talking about how much Jesus loves us. This beautiful smattering of laughter and tears, amazement and frustration is my life right now.

One of the things I am learning through it all is the importance of taking my place and being fully present with no excuses or apologies. No, I may not have the same degree of freedom to hang out late or to even participate in ministry in the same ways I did before, but I wouldn’t change it. My family is a gift to me and an asset, not a burden. I am right where I need to be. I don’t have to rush through this stage or bemoan that I am not single and childfree in order to find significance and contentment. God does not hide himself from me until I make it to the next level. He is where I am. He stands with me when the girls skipped a nap and are having a meltdown from being overtired, and He invites me to take my place and to lean into Him in my limitations. “Be present. I am in this.” When we are looking forward to hanging out with friends but have to choose a time that works best for our schedule as family and its awkward in the exchange, He invites me to take my place. “Keep making the effort. I am in this.”

Are there ways that you struggle with being fully present or feel like you have to apologize to others for the season of life you are in? Whether you are single and people keep asking when you are going to get married or you’re married and people want to know when you are going to have children or your job seems kind of meh in comparison to someone else’s or whatever it may be, I encourage you to take your place. What if you don’t have to be somewhere else but exactly where you are because Jesus is there? In the joy and sorrow of your season of life, God is there. Let us take up our place next to Him and stop apologizing for where we aren’t according to the expectation of others. I trust that as we do, beautiful things will happen and the story we tell with our lives will be much richer than an imitation of someone else or merely a reflection of our culture. Let it begin with me. Hello, my name is Sophia. I am a mom of two under two years old, and I am taking my place.

In the Quiet

We have recently recovered from a stomach bug here in the Howard house this past week. My husband got it the worst, complete with fever, stomach cramps and the whole nine yards. He rarely gets sick, but when he does he usually muddles through and it is over it in like a day. This time he had to miss two days of work, soooo it was pretty bad. The week was a flurry of checking on my husband, corralling two girls who didn’t understand why they couldn’t play with dada even though he was home, multiple trips to the store for sick supplies and all of my normal daily activities, including lots of nursing the baby, cleaning and keeping my toddler occupied, all while trying to be extra clean and germ conscious.

By the end of each day I was exhausted, feeling stretched to my limit with multi-tasking. By the end of the week I was starting to feel a little frazzled and upset. I was tired. The baby was up at 4 and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I was worn out with my toddler’s tantrums because she wanted cheese right now. I was wondering how nice it must be that my husband gets to actually “take off” when sick. Last time, I was sick for two weeks and still had to carry on. Whoa is me, I thought. And so continued my venting to myself. Pathetic, I know.

Thursday night when the girls were in bed and my husband was asleep, I sat out in the living room for a little down time before bed. It was then in the quiet that it hit me. I hadn’t had any time alone with Jesus all week. I missed it. I sat for a while, and then I began to pray. I processed my week and prayed for my family and some friends that were on my mind and heart. I tried to read my bible, but honestly I was so tired it was hard to focus on the words. That was it. I talked and God listened, and then I was quiet and just sat in his presence.    

I have to tell you though, it was such a sweet time. My heart felt refreshed and afterward I noticed a few things:

   1. I didn’t feel condemned. There was grace for my crazy week.

   2. I actually missed time with God and not just in an, “Oh crap, I forgot something on my to-do list” kind of way.

   3. Out of all the things that I can do for my family, the greatest is tending to my heart. This one is huge for me! In the Gospel Primer it says, “Do does not equal be.” I am seriously considering framing this reminder in my house because so often I am quick to find my identity in what I can or can’t do rather than in who I am before God. My girls and my husband will be better served if I am more settled in my identity as a human “being” not “doing” as a result of allowing God to shape me rather than just doing more.

  4. I can’t continue to attempt to give to my family or others what I don’t have. My giving and pouring out has to be sustained by my time with Jesus or I will burn out and lose sight of what is important. If “you are what you eat” so to speak, then I want to spend as much time as I can learning from Jesus so that I can be like him and give out of the overflow of what he is giving me.

I didn’t have a huge amount of time and I was tired. There wasn’t anything flashy involved in this time, not even much journaling or reading, but still seeking out his perspective and his voice made all the difference. I am grateful that in the midst of my imperfection and process God still shows up and reveals things me. He is able to make big things happen out of small moments and fill a living room with his ministering presence even in the quiet. 

Sophia Howard

God, My Surgeon

It was a Friday morning around 8 o’clock. I had just arrived at the hospital for another routine NST (non-stress test) where they were going to monitor the baby’s heart rate and my contractions. I would walk in, sit in the recliner, have the two monitors put on my belly, and they would hand me the clicker to press every time the baby moved. She would roll over. Click. Kick to the ribs. Click. Etc. Twenty minutes of monitoring and I would be all done. By this time in the pregnancy I had been coming in twice a week for a month and they all knew my name. I had gotten used to the routine and had come to expect to get in and get out.

However, things did not go as planned. Fifteen minutes into the test, I had a huge contraction. “No big deal,” I thought. I had been having them for weeks, and the nurses knew that because they often showed up on the test. However, this time was different. It seemed to take forever to ease up. One minute passed, then two minutes. Still I thought, “Oh well, I just must be dehydrated or something, no biggie.” Finally it started to subside. During the contraction I noticed that the nurse who usually monitors from her computer on the other side of the room had come to stand next to me and was intently staring at my monitor. “ Wow! Did you feel that?” she said. I replied with a simple, “Yep” all the while I’m thinking “Doi! Do you not see the peaks on that thing???”

I had handled it pretty well I thought, but it wasn’t me that she was worried about in that moment. The baby did not handle it well. Her heart rate that had held steady in the 150s had dropped down to 60 and then dropped off completely. Everything changed in a second. They laid me back, put me on oxygen and kept moving the monitor around to find the baby’s heartbeat. Welp, I was staying. After being admitted and constantly monitored over the next several hours, the baby’s heart rate kept dropping with contractions, and I was taken back for an emergency C-section. Ironically, after being prepped, it only took 10 minutes before I was a mommy again to a PERFECT baby girl.

The day of Alathea’s birth was hectic and not what I had envisioned or planned, but that was nothing compared to the pregnancy itself. My pregnancy was nothing short of a daily struggle. I had to take it one painstaking day at a time. For starters, I was on a low carb diet for gestational diabetes, so I had to plan ahead every meal so as to not go over my carb limit (PS. Carbs are in everything! I thought I was going to starve- lol). I had to check my blood sugar four times a day by pricking my finger for my ENTIRE pregnancy. I had to give myself six injections of insulin a day. I had to receive a hormone injection at the doctor’s office once a week for 20 weeks. I had no less than three appointments a week AND…a partridge in a pear tree! Haha, just kidding, but seriously it was a lot.

So, when Alathea was born, a part of me was like, “Are you kidding me? After all that, THIS is how she is going to be born, God?” The struggle during my pregnancy and her birth was not just physical but also mental and emotional. Day by day I had to cling to truth, not always sure that I believed it. Day by day I asked, “Jesus, where are you? Why is this so hard?”

It is only in retrospect that I am now able to see that He was bringing new life, not just into our family, but He was creating new life deep in me as well. I see that:

         - GOD was for me (My faith is stronger and I possess a greater endurance to weather hard things rather than being taken under).

         - GOD was there (I was able to hear God’s voice and feel His presence on the operating table. What?!).

         - GOD was in it (He was intentionally drawing close to me through those circumstances), and

         - GOD was working it out (Alathea was born healthy and my heart was being revealed).

Like a careful surgeon, He was and is exposing my false saviors and removing my misappropriated ideals. Sometimes, although it seems like Jesus does things the hard way (hard for me anyway), I know He can be trusted. And just like I was joyfully anticipating seeing my baby at the end of that C-section, I also look forward to seeing what beautiful life will be produced in my heart and soul when He is done.

#Thankful

Thanksgiving is coming up next week. What?! Does anyone else think that it came fast this year? I do. So…what more appropriate way to show my gratitude than by writing an obligatory blog on thankfulness, right? Just kidding. No, but seriously, I’m not obligated, but I am learning to be thankful. Before you roll your eyes anticipating the common “I’m thankful for my family and pets” post (although there is nothing wrong with that), I am learning something a little different as I think about gratitude. I am learning to be thankful for myself. I’m not trying to be narcissistic, but there is something healing about being able to recognize God’s good work in me and where He has me and not just other people. 

It’s not easy. There is a phrase that I have seen floating around online that states, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s true. I think as I am in the process of appreciating how God made me, one of the biggest things that hinders me in my fight for perspective and gratefulness is comparison. It seems especially easy to sit and play the comparison game when one spends any time online. Facebook or Instagram is a great platform for the aspiring “iPhone photographer” to capture a perfect moment from their life and display it for all to see with #blessed. Sometimes as I scroll through and see the mom who claims to have been up all night with her puking child while still managing to look like a hipster model of the year, or a friend whose every post as of late seems to be made while overlooking some scenic vista, it can bring up insecurities in my heart. I can be tempted to think, “What is wrong with me?!” “I don’t look like that after being up all night.” “Pssh, when was the last time I traveled anywhere but to and from my husband’s work on the ever exciting Delsea Drive? #Adventure?”

The lies that I tend to believe in those moments are, “There must be something wrong with you” or “Unless your life experiences are as exciting or more than so and so’s then you aren’t significant. You are boring.” Wow. The great thing though is that however vulnerable it has been to realize those lies, God is not afraid to meet me in messy places. There is freedom in bringing them into the light. HE IS GRACIOUS- so I don’t have to prove myself. I am significant because I AM HIS. So, I don’t have to apologize for being myself as if the story of my life was a really boring movie. I didn’t write it. GOD IS GREAT- so I don’t have to be in control I (even of what others may think of me).

I am a stay-at-home mother of two. I change so many diapers it’s comical sometimes. I don’t always look that great after being up all night feeding the baby, and that is ok. I haven’t been out of the country recently (although I went to Deptford yesterday, which was an adventure in itself with screaming children in the back). Sometimes, my most exciting evening consists of dinner on the sofa with my husband while the girls sleep.

My life right now is composed of many small moments, most of which may not make a pretty Instagram photo, but God is in them and God is with me. He doesn’t wait to show up after things “get more exciting.” Rather, on this ordinary adventure, He gives me grace to be fully present in everyday circumstances, fully myself without diminishing my experiences, and fully alive as I allow my heart to be formed by it all. He is revealing a beauty all my own as I get to see myself through His eyes, and for that I am truly thankful.

Seasons Change: A Letter

Dear brothers and sisters,

I wanted to write this blog as a letter to encourage you. In my coming and going I have enjoyed the cool evenings this past week as they seem to remind me that change is ahead. Fall will be coming soon. Although fall is my favorite season and a welcome change, with its coming are bigger changes and transitions that are not so thrilling to me. In fact, I hate transition. I don’t always mind change itself, but I loathe the getting there.

For example, my husband and I are expecting our second baby the first week of November. Whereas, I couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome another child into our family, the getting there, aka this pregnancy, has been very challenging. My body has seemed to boycott any kind of stability every step of the way, making hospital visits more common place this time around than I care for. I know that the end result of a healthy baby will be worth all of the suffering now, but this time of waiting and processing is really difficult. As I have experienced and continue to experience the tumults of transition in my own life, I have thought about all of you, and I wanted to tell you that YOU are seen.

I know that so many of you are going through major changes as well. Mother of school aged children, you are seen. Whether it be your first time or fifth time sending your precious cargo off for another school year while reminding yourself that God is with them even when you aren’t, your transition is important and God sees. Student getting ready to return to school, perhaps nervous/excited about the new possibilities this year, God is with you and He sees. New parents whose child still may not be sleeping through the night, the transition to sleepless nights is tough, but there is grace for you and God sees. To the grieving adjusting to life without a loved one, transition to life minus one may feel raw and unnatural but God is at hand. He knows and He sees. Whether it is transitions at work, in family, stage of life or service to the Lord as you walk on mission with Him, your sacrifices, emotions and thoughts both joyful and difficult are important.

God is at hand. I’m glad that He doesn’t just wait for us to “make it to the other side” but that He really is closer than an arms length away. In Lamentations 3:22-23, I am reminded in times of uncertainty or change that, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed for his compassions never fail. They are new EVERY morning; great is your faithfulness.” I also love that He says in Malachi 3:6 about Himself that, “I the Lord DO NOT change...” In every season of my soul, He remains the same. These past weeks I have been encouraged again by this simple truth. Our God is a steady anchor when everything else is shifting. May you be encouraged knowing that you are seen by your sister who is impacted by your lives and faithfulness, and you are seen by a God who is close and filled with compassion for you. May God’s peace guard your hearts and minds as you continue to walk with Him.

Blessings,

Sophia