There is nothing quite like being forced to slow down. And there is nothing that halts me in my steps and redirects my pace quite like pregnancy. This third time around you would think that I wouldn’t be surprised by the necessary change in rhythm to accommodate my limitations, but alas it has caught me off guard again.
I feel as though I am living what might have been deemed the “time of my confinement” during medieval times (haha) as I am forced to rest for long periods of my day. Some might think, “How heavenly! Forced rest.” However, I have found it to be challenging. First of all, I’m not just talking about a nice pregnancy nap here and there, but something more along the lines of bed rest at times where I need to have someone come and make my girls lunch and play with them so that I can sit for a while (aka hours). It’s not easy for me to sit still with a toddler and preschooler running around needing attention and making messes that I can’t clean. However, what has felt more difficult is not just having to be still but having to let go of my ideals of being super mom and housewife and having to “trim the fat” off my schedule. Everything not 100% necessary has been placed to the back burner including extra involvement at church.
Having to cut back on things has been revealing to me again my tendency to believe that I have to perform in order to be valued or that part of my identity is in what I do. I have wondered about what people might think about my decreased participation in things at church right as my husband has started a new position there. The questions start to roll around in my mind. Should I push harder to be more involved? I feel like I am missing out on things God is doing. What do I tell people I have been up to when they ask? Sitting on my couch and being a wife and mom to my best ability?
The great thing about wrestling with questions during this season has been having the extra space to process them before God. Here are three things that He has revealed to me as I bring my questions and feelings to Him:
1. It is RIGHT for me to embrace and make adjustments to live within my limits. He has never asked nor expected of me to be HIM essentially. He doesn’t expect me to have super human strength. Although this season won’t be forever, learning to embrace my limitations will. They are God given, and they do not surprise Him. I don’t have to push past them and do more.
2. I have nothing to prove in all of this waiting and “down time” and I AM NOT missing out on what He is doing. This one is HUGE for me. My identity never was and never will be found in just what I can do. I have nothing to prove to others. I am not failing by recognizing my weakness and need to take breaks. I AM NOT missing out on what God is doing as if He only exists to be glorified in the tasks I complete for Him in formal ministry. He doesn’t remove His presence in my life until I can jump back on the bandwagon at church. What He is doing isn’t just OUT THERE. He is at work in our home and my children and me. That is no small thing.
3. Life is found in walking with God and doing what He requires of me, NO MORE and NO LESS. This is another big one for me because I think I can confuse what I think God is asking of me with what my desire is to do for Him or what I think people’s expectations of me are. When I try to prove myself and do more than what He has asked, I get burned out. When I do not step out to do what God desires even when it feels stretching then I get stuck. He gives us rhythms and limits not to cramp our style but to bless us and reveal new things about Himself. He is GOD and is fully capable of using anything and everything for His glory not just the tasks that I deem good enough. Thank goodness!
I want my life to speak of the greatness of God by embracing my limitations and not pushing past them to control and prove myself. I want my children to grow up knowing that God is near in all situations and not just the ones that we consider big and exciting. They don’t have to strive and burn themselves out. I can literally be still and know that God is God. The world hasn’t stopped because I have to slow down and neither has He. That is comforting.
--Sophia Howard
