(By Tammy Vaughn)
I have been pondering the reasons that people choose to face their emotions or suppress their emotions. I’ve listened to friends’ conversations and have noticed lately that many people suppress emotions and/or deny their feelings. People are generally proficient in talking about the facts of a particular situation but are not in touch with their feelings. Instead, they choose not to delve into the emotional side of the situation. It’s easier to talk about someone or something than take responsibility for how you feel.
Some may ask, “How do you know when a person is suppressing their feelings?” I’ll answer the question with an example: If someone calls an overweight individual “fat,” most likely it will cause some kind of negative reaction or feeling within the person targeted, whether that is embarrassment or hurt. To say that it does not cause some kind of feeling is probably not likely or realistic.
There are times when a person does not realize that they are suppressing feelings. This often happens when people do not take deep self-inventory. They may be unwilling or unable to take the time to mine-out their deepest emotion. Many people are fairly good at identifying happiness, sadness or anger. However, that same group of people may not be so keen on identifying the varying intensity of their emotion. For example, a more intense form of sadness could be depression. A more intense form of anger is rage. There are varying shades of basic emotions.
Some may deny that they are experiencing a particular kind of an emotion that is affecting them negatively. This denial often happens because they feel embarrassed about the emotion. They may feel like they are not entitled to feel the way they do. Some people seem to be very concerned that if they give themselves permission to feel the emotion, they will not be able to actually deal with it. According to James Gross, a scientist who studies emotions, “Suppressing emotions is hard to do and does not work.” His studies have shown that once the emotion is triggered, it is very difficult to shut it down or ignore it. In fact, we become more tense and agitated while trying to suppress or ignore the feeling. This shows that it is not emotionally healthy to suppress emotions. Another negative implication of shutting off emotion is that people closest to us can tell we are suppressing our feelings; our non-verbal communication gives clues that we are hiding emotions, even when we insist on saying we’re fine. In other words, in many cases we are not fooling anyone but ourselves. This can actually do damage to the people we love; they end up feeling shut out because they know that we are experiencing feelings but are not willing to share them.
So, if it is not beneficial, what is the purpose of shutting down emotions? What does a person hope to accomplish? Often times, the person who shuts down or shuts off their emotions hopes that this action will make them appear to be strong in their vulnerable time of weakness. This reminds me of the beautiful Bible verse that says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV)
Other times people hope that by suppressing their emotions they can calm themselves down or help defuse a delicate and/or explosive situation. The person does not wish to cause waves or cause a fight. It does not usually accomplish what they want.
Usually feelings that are stuffed down come out in ways we do not want and at times we do not want. Often we handle stuffed feelings in ways that are not helpful to us. Stuffed feelings can be motivators to very negative behaviors or habits like substance abuse, physical and/or verbal abuse, etc. However, when we give voice to our emotions we actually give validation to how we are feeling. We feel grounded and more in control. Healthy discussions about your emotions is just that, healthy. It actually helps to bring your feelings to the light, which makes you better able to identify and deal with the source of the emotion. If you can recognize the emotion, you can deal with the emotion. You can respond to the situation as opposed to just reacting like a puppet on a string or a slave to a master. Have you ever met a person who is ruled by their emotions? If they feel a certain way then they have to act a certain way, never realizing that they may be a slave to their “un-dealt with” emotions. Galatians 4:6-8 says, “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods.” Our emotion, while important and valid, are NOT God. And we should not be a slave to them.
Many things we suppress are not able to be processed by ourselves because we are stuck in our emotion. At these times it’s advantageous to seek out professional counsel and begin to learn how to express those feelings and get them out in the open, aided by someone we trust. Even the expression of those feelings to a close loved one is beneficial because it allows others to express care and empathy. No one really wants to be burdened and suffer through a rough time alone. Nor should they have to. Open communication is one of the ways a person experiences a loving relationship. Sharing your heart with someone you trust can greatly strengthen that relationship. In the end, giving our loved ones a chance to show us they care and that they can be with us/there for us is actually a gift to them.
