Desperately Necessary: The Leader's Humility with a Word on Prayer

The LFAC counseling staff team all had the recent privilege of attending the CCEF (Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation) 2015 National Conference in Virginia Beach, VA.  Diego and Cindy, my wife Lisa and I, Lois, and Tammy all traveled south to participate in various sessions related to 'Side by Side Ministry' as it pertains to Christian counseling in the local church.  We worshipped and sang with almost 2000 people, together - that was amazing.  We made new friends together.  We ate many meals together.  Someone described one particular meal as "a party in the mouth."  It was pretty tasty if I do say so myself.  We also fellowshipped together.  We shared our hearts together.  We served one another together.  And we laughed together.  I mean, we laughed together. A lot.  Often.  It was a tremendous blessing to all of our respective ministries as the LFAC Leadership made this investment in each of us.  We were blessed.

Many of my professors from the mid to late 1990s not only worked for CCEF, they also taught at both Westminster Theological Seminary and Biblical Theological Seminary.   I have had the privilege of sitting under the teaching of Dr. David Powlison, Dr. Ed Welch, and Dr. Paul David Tripp for many seminary classes.  I would later work with these men as a staff counselor at CCEF myself.  When I was there, I felt so small - they were the gurus of what we do as Counselors.  Ten years ago when I did some part-time counseling for CCEF as a local pastor, I was so out of my league.   I was always impressed with the deep humility and concern that these men have had for me in my life and my ministry.  When I was a green in the early 2000's and new at CCEF, I counseled out of Paul David Tripp's office (Paul is still affiliated with CCEF but started his own ministry a few recent years ago).  Using his office back in 2005 was quite intimidating to me, but I adjusted and made it work.  One evening about 8:45 PM, with the session nearing the end at 9 PM, my eyes caught movement just under his office door out in the hallway.   I could see shoes just standing by the door way but just waiting - they didn't move.  I finished the session just after nine and dismissed the couple.  There stood Paul Tripp.  He casually walked in and over to his desk and said to me, "Sorry Thor, I forgot my briefcase."  I replied, "Oh Paul, you should have just knocked and I could've gotten it for you.  I'm sorry you had to wait."  Paul look at me directly and then said, "I've been doing this way too long to not know that you never know what's going on in a counseling session...especially at the end.  I was happy to wait."  With a reassuring tap on this young shoulder, he quickly left the office.  He will never ever know how his humility and his patience left a 'spiritual fruit' impression on me that night.  It was not a long moment by any means but his words have lasted.  I saw humility and patience on display in that man that I will never forget.

Dr. Edward T Welsh and Dr. David Powlison each spoke several times during the training conference last week.   Introducing Ed, Dave said to nearly 2000 attendees, "Ed Welch does not consider himself to be his own resume."  If you've heard Ed speak or teach, he's quite gentle and very unassuming as a leader.  He defines both "gentle and humble of heart" during the conference.  Later that day, Ed came up to me and gave me a great big hug.  It had been like ten years since we had seen each other.  Asking me what was new in life, I told this old trusted professor of mine the story of the last ten years, introduced him to my wife Lisa, and safely told him that I'd been through a divorce and how my kids have suffered (it was like the 60 second version of my story).  With heartfelt sorrow and genuine grief, he looked at me compassionately and sincerely stated, "Thor, I'm so sorry to hear you went through that."  It wasn't what he said - it was HOW he said it.  This genuine embrace that let me be real.  Ed's caring curiosity made me feel unashamed in the moment.  He, like Paul, practices what he teaches concerning side-by-side relationships.

Leaders, in humility, we must practice what we preach, teach, and counsel.   It is necessary that we show forbearance and patience to others that we train and equip and prepare to do the work of the ministry.   It is necessary that we steward our words to them and speak similar affirmations and encouragement.   It is necessary that we authentically care for them and hear their stories.  It is necessary that we use every opportunities to touch others' hearts with the heart of our Lord Jesus and with the Gospel.  Lived-out humility is a necessity to living on mission - and to living out this mission called the Christian life.  It is desperately necessary that we do so.

Recently, I was asked by my dear friend Foye Belyea to join him to help teach and facilitate a theological class at my alma mater Cairn University (PCB, PBU).  Honestly, after a full day of counseling, I wanted to grab a bite to eat and have fellowship with my brother whom I had not seen in a couple years.  After the class, instead of going to eat immediately, seven students approached each of us to talk and for counsel.  We talked and listened and prayed over them for almost two hours after the class lecture had ended.  We finally went to eat around 10pm, but we were utterly exhausted.  Yet as we broke bread, a deeper bond of humble friendship and strength was welded.  We served together - we sacrificed time together - we let the Spirit make an impact on those college students bound for minutes that will not be easily forgotten by them.  All we did was give some time, some encouragement, some care and some Christ-like love to some hurting college students.  But humility and patience were on display.  The encouragement of the Holy Spirit prevailed as well.  It was worth it.  It was desperately necessary.

Let me leave you with a prayer principle.  It may not seem related to all that I have just said about the necessary qualities of a spiritual leader and humility, but it may be something many of you can use as leaders.  We pray because we need the humility of an unknown answer from God.  In other words, "prayer acknowledges our own weakness and makes humility matter UNDER God" (David Powlison, CCEF 2015).  You see, whether I counsel or I preach or have fellowship and prayer, this displays honest human need while exhibiting a humbled stance UNDER the sovereign God.   He actually cares about my and your heartaches and struggles.  Prayer puts us UNDER God.  Humble prayer aligns us away from our perceptions and our interpretations and moves us closer to God's grand reality.  Prayer shows and actually sows distrust in our own resources and aims us on the real resource - mainly Christ, Who displays real trust and in Whom we trust.  "To not pray is insane" (David Powlison CCEF 2015).   To not pray is proud and arrogant.  Therefore dear ones, be humble and pray.  Don't be insane.  Pray with and for people.  For it is the defining mark of humble prayer that combats pride and ACKNOWLEDGES WE ARE UNDER GOD.  And it is desperately necessary.

Thor Knutstad

In Other News...

News tends to fade quickly in our society.  A story might dominate the headlines for a few days, or a week, or if it’s a big or developing story, it might stick around for a few weeks.  But inevitably, we lose interest.  Even an ongoing crisis tends to fade from the spotlight as we, the news consumers, get fatigued.  We like our news in soundbites, in small neatly packaged three minute segments, or in less than three swipes on our iPad.  Maybe it speaks to our fickle consumerism or our fast-paced lifestyle, but most of the time when the camera crews leave, the crisis doesn’t pack up with it.

Have you given much thought to Syria lately?  Last week, the EU saw its highest number of incoming refugees yet.  While America is losing interest, the people fleeing for their lives are still fleeing for their lives, in no less dramatic a fashion as they were three weeks ago when we were paying attention.  Every day, children and their parents pack onto overcrowded small boats to cross choppy water, many of them never making it to dry land. 

Granted, this is one of many crises happening around the world.  We have millions of children living in poverty in our own country (16 million to be exact), and millions more around the world.  There is also ISIS that is oppressing entire cities and overtaking countries. Not to mention drought and famine in Africa, earthquakes in Asia, oppression of the people of North Korea, and on and on.

In the face of such great challenges across the globe and here at home, how are we to respond?  The people of God are called to love our neighbors as ourselves.  We are called to pray for suffering people, even after the news coverage ends, even when they are not the flavor of the month.  We are also called to give.  The Christian organization World Vision, who has been on the front lines caring for the refugees, recently announced a “massive funding shortfall,” which they say impacts children especially hard.  Statistically, Christians are better than others at doing charity work, but not so great at non-tithe charitable giving.  We should be leading the pack.  

Christian financial guru Dave Ramsey, of “Financial Peace University” fame, encourages families work out their finances, get out of debt, and build wealth.  He also emphasizes giving.  He says that Christians should be able to give like no one else.  Why aren’t we?  Could it be that we’ve fallen into the trap of not noticing the people in need around us, not seeing them as real people during the three minute news segment?  We get so wrapped up in our own lives that Syria becomes something we heard about a few days ago and poverty becomes something for politicians to worry about.

We have been called by God to love.  Love through praying and love through giving.  If millions of Christians began to take giving seriously, all of these crises might not seem so daunting. 

A Wiser Way to Confront in Love

This past week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where Alasdair Groves, counselor with the CCEF, presented 10 ways to confront others in love. As he put it, the first five points he shared are really very positive ways in the spectrum of confronting someone. It is not until point six, when necessary, that he encourages anyone to say “I have a concern”.  Confrontation, suggests Groves, should be pursued when relational tension exists beyond reasonable patience and/or when an offense can not be overlooked (Proverbs 19:11).

Before you pursue loving confrontation make sure to consider these two principles:

1. Deal with your own heart first; it is not about being right, it is about caring for another.

2. Be gentle, use the least amount of force required (Galatians 6:1). 

Now to the specific steps:

1. Ask questions; don’t assume that something is wrong. Ask, why would you that?
2. Encourage; even though you see the bad, be proactive to name the good.
3. Remind the other person of what is good (2 Peter 1:12). Make sure to state some good obvious goal. 
4. Exhort the other person; say to the other person this is something good to press after (Hebrews 12:1-4).
5. Acknowledge temptation or the difficulty of temptation the other person may be experiencing. 
6. Express concern; name the problem and express your concern.
7. Admonish/warn; if you keep at it, here are some consequences you will encounter.
8. Plead/urge; please don’t do this.
9. Rebuke; do not do this; express the clarity of sin and contrast that to goodness—what God considers righteous.
10. Hand over/cut off; this is the point where you may need to tell the person, “If you insist in choosing this path, I can’t do anything else to bless you”. In 1 Corinthians 5:5, Paul gives an example of someone being handed over to Satan only for the purpose of seeking the ultimate restoration of the individual. 

I hope these ways to approach confrontation aides you given that all relationships are fertile grounds for conflict and confrontation. May God give us the grace to love well as we pursue wise and gentle confrontation.

There is Love in Mad

I said 'No' to Ava. Since she's 5, of course, she didn't like it. 

So she made a mean face at me.

I told her, "I cannot allow that. I love you too much to let you make those kind of faces at me...because it will hurt you if I allow you to make a mean face at me when I say 'No.' I cannot allow you to make that face at me because when you are old, I do not want you to make that face at God when He says 'No' to you." And so I gave her consequence. 

Later, in the car, Bethie, who is 3, asked if I am mad at Sissy. Her Dad explained it to us all. He said, "Mommy is upset that Sissy made a disobey face at her. But, girls, mad is a part of love. Laugh is a part of love. Fun is a part of love. Upset is a part of love. And mad is a part of love. In our family, we will get upset at each other. Ava will get mad at Mom. Mom will get mad at Dad. Dad will get mad at Bethie,

AND we will talk it out and love each other.

This is how it will be in our family. Mad does not mean I do not love you. Mad means I am upset, I think you did something wrong, AND we will bring it up, talk it out, AND you will have my love. This is how we will deal with mad in our family."

So Bethie, of course, decided to test this new theory. She said she was mad at Ava for her disobeying face. So her Dad helped her to practice this new idea by having her tell Ava, "Sissy, I'm mad at you for doing a disobey face to Mommy." And he had Ava repeat back to Bethie why she was mad: "You're mad at me because I made a mean face to Mommy." Then he helped Ava say, "I'm sorry, Bethie, for making a disobeying face at Mom. I did not do the right thing. And that hurts our family." And then he helped Bethie say, "Your disobeying was wrong. But you will have my love...always. I love you. I forgive you. And you are like me. We both need Jesus to rescue us."

This is not something that I know as a Mommy. Because this was not something I knew as a Little Girl. This is something I am learning. 

When I was a little girl, I learned that mad means that I no longer like who you are. Mad means that even if only for a short time, you will lose my love. Mad means something very bad. Mad is what you want to avoid at all costs. Never, ever, ever make someone mad at you. Mad is not a part of love. Try your very best to be the very best so you'll never give anyone a chance to get mad. 

But if someone DOES get mad, do your very best to weasel your way out of it. Do not bring it up, do not talk it out. Pretend it's not there. Smile it away. Be extra nice and maybe the love will come back. But if you can not 'nice' the madaway, wear the bigger smile but put up your walls, because mad will take the love away.

And if you are mad, stuff it down, lock it up, and never talk about it. Because if you talk about it, love will go away. Because mad is not a part of love. 

But that day in the car, the Dad of our family, he told us. He told us the Truth. 

There's love in mad and there's mad in love. 

And the truth is we cannot do good enough to never make anyone mad. We all do the wrong thing. We all make mistakes. We cannot save ourselves by never making each other mad or sad. But when we talk it out and remember that there's love in mad and mad in love, we find that together, all of us, we are the same: we need Jesus. So we will talk it out and we can still love each other. Because it's so safe to know that there is mad in love and love in mad. The mad is not so scary when we know that the love stays and that Jesus is rescuing us all.

It's then that we can say: "I'm mad at you."

Reframing Our Current Realities Makes The Difference

I like how Deepak Reju introduces the importance of helping reframe our reality in order to reorient our soul or help others in the midst of their hardships. Reju gives a good example of how important it is to choose the right picture frame to bring out the best in a picture. Something similar happens in life: how we frame our situations will mark the difference in terms of how we see what we are presently living (not to mention, this will determine how we cope with our situations). Reframing them according to faith will give us a better perspective. I recommend you read this short and helpful blog. To read it, click here.

Sincerely,

Diego Cuartas

Discussion: Christianity & Homosexuality

As you listen to these Christian leaders discuss the topic of Christianity and Homosexuality, pay particular attention to Shane Claiborne's perspective of the church and who we need to be. 

This video in not intended to represent the views of Living Faith Alliance Church, our blog’s host. However, the video does provoke some honest, self-examination regarding our personal perspective and our disposition to engage those experiencing or struggling with same-sex attraction. 

-Lois Robinson