This past week I had the opportunity to attend a conference where Alasdair Groves, counselor with the CCEF, presented 10 ways to confront others in love. As he put it, the first five points he shared are really very positive ways in the spectrum of confronting someone. It is not until point six, when necessary, that he encourages anyone to say “I have a concern”. Confrontation, suggests Groves, should be pursued when relational tension exists beyond reasonable patience and/or when an offense can not be overlooked (Proverbs 19:11).
Before you pursue loving confrontation make sure to consider these two principles:
1. Deal with your own heart first; it is not about being right, it is about caring for another.
2. Be gentle, use the least amount of force required (Galatians 6:1).
Now to the specific steps:
- Ask questions; don’t assume that something is wrong. Ask, why would you that?
- Encourage; even though you see the bad, be proactive to name the good.
- Remind the other person of what is good (2 Peter 1:12). Make sure to state some good obvious goal.
- Exhort the other person; say to the other person this is something good to press after (Hebrews 12:1-4).
- Acknowledge temptation or the difficulty of temptation the other person may be experiencing.
- Express concern; name the problem and express your concern.
- Admonish/warn; if you keep at it, here are some consequences you will encounter.
- Plead/urge; please don’t do this.
- Rebuke; do not do this; express the clarity of sin and contrast that to goodness—what God considers righteous.
- Hand over/cut off; this is the point where you may need to tell the person, “If you insist in choosing this path, I can’t do anything else to bless you”. In 1 Corinthians 5:5, Paul gives an example of someone being handed over to Satan only for the purpose of seeking the ultimate restoration of the individual.
I hope these ways to approach confrontation aides you given that all relationships are fertile grounds for conflict and confrontation. May God give us the grace to love well as we pursue wise and gentle confrontation.
