30 Days of Realigning My Hunger: Why I am Fasting Facebook and Pinterest

My 13 month old loves to greet everyone and everything by saying “Hi!” in an escalating tone until they turn and acknowledge her. It usually makes them feel uncomfortable, and I laugh at the awkward exchange. However, on a daily basis, the word “some” comes in a close second for her most used word of the day.  Sometimes it means she wants more of whatever she is eating or that she wants to touch something that she probably shouldn’t, but more often than not it means “I want what you have.” She will take turns asking everyone for some of what they are eating, even if she doesn’t really want it or even if she has just demanded to get down from her highchair because she is “all done” with her food. 

As we as a church are now 10 days into the fast for the Millville church plant, it has taken me up until yesterday to decide how I wanted to participate. What was I going to fast and why? We were encouraged to identify what we turn to for our sense of satisfaction other than God. I scratched out the traditional, food, because I am on a strict diet with my second pregnancy. I initially decided against any type of media fast, having been convinced that I really spent little time using it; but alas, it turned out to be media anyway, specifically my use of Facebook and Pinterest.

I’m not going to go on a tirade of why I think either of these sites is bad because I don’t think they are. However, I feel like the Lord revealed to me a little of my own heart in how I use them at times. Pinterest, although it can be used to organize ideas and inspire creativity, can also, just like good circulars and magazines, be used to cultivate desire. After surfing through all of the endless possibilities for creativity, I find myself desiring to make, wear or be a part of whatever comes across my page that day. All of a sudden, I NEED to eat sriracha shrimp and wear bohemian pants while making a beautiful summer dessert in my perfect outdoor kitchen. I picture my reaction to the plethora of the ideal and the beautiful displayed in creative recipes and tasteful style to be much like my daughter’s. “Some, Some! I must have some.” A type of hunger has been created.

Now, I feel sort of intimidated after having been drawn into a picture perfect moment all the while knowing that it’s just that. It is PICTURE perfect and maybe not that realistic or practical. So… naturally I next go to Facebook. I try to keep up on the “news” in distant friends’ lives, but the longer I’m on the more I feel drawn into a comparison game where my sense of worth and identity then comes from how I stand in comparison to other people. “Are my pictures of my family editorial enough? No? Well neither are so and so’s. Ok I’m fine.” Therefore, Pinterest worthy moments can tend to become my aspiration and Facebook my affirmation of how close I am to that ideal and therefore how well I am doing. As long as my search ends favorably then I’m “satisfied.” Uh oh! If God is good, then I don’t need to look for my satisfaction elsewhere. Oops! How often do I give the better parts of my day and thinking to things that are far less worthy and unable to ultimately satisfy? Well that’s convicting.

During these 30 days, I am choosing to ask God to realign my hunger. I need Him to increase my appetite for His voice and perspective versus my desire for cheap substitutes. I am choosing to break from my sense of ideal, perfect or even good and asking God to give me more of His perspective as I create more space to be still. May He reveal His heart to me in even greater ways concerning myself and my worth, my family and the city of Millville. 10 days late, but I am jumping in. If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to do the same. I am looking forward to what He has to say to me and you. 

“…No Longer a Slave…”

Over the last couple months my husband and I have been listening to Bethel’s new album We will not be shaken. It seemed like that was all we listened to for a few weeks. One of my favorite songs from that album is No Longer Slaves by Jonathan Helser and Brian Johnson. It is sung as a raw declaration of truth and freedom by Helser who has this sort of raspy lumberjack voice. Ah such a good song. Here are some of the lyrics.  

You unravel me, with a melody

You surround me with a song

Of deliverance, from my enemies 

Till all my fears are gone 

Chorus:

I’m no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God 

    I love this song because of the truth in it. It speaks of a God who is gentle and sings over us, but strong enough to save us from our enemies. He has released us from our bondage as slaves and made us children in his family. 

    My heart and mind need to be constantly reminded of this truth. Our God is not weak, small or timid. He is completely gentle but completely strong. I am no longer a slave. I am a child in God’s family. This should make all the difference. I don’t need to “submit again to a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1). I don’t need to be governed by fear. 

    I don’t know how many of you can relate with having a fear that is often misplaced, but I will be the first one to admit it. I waste too much time running through worst case scenarios in my head in an effort to “be prepared,” afraid of what might happen if I’m not. I can get caught up living life reacting to what my fears are and making faulty conclusions because of them. For example: My train of thought can sometimes go, ‘I can’t forget a single thing in the baby’s diaper bag because if I do then our outing/ day will be ruined because we will not have what we need to enjoy it.’ I am afraid of having my plans changed in that moment and so I make every effort not to be caught unprepared. Uhhhh…extreme much? I doubt the day would be ruined. This is a silly example but just imagine if that happens on a bigger scale. Who is God and where is he in those instances?

    The enemy seems to be good at blowing things out of proportion in order to get us side tracked. If he can get us to fear insignificant things, then those become big in our minds view, God becomes small, and we end up walking through life as though slaves even though we are already free. So how do I actively fight for truth and combat fear? 

    Often what I need to remember in fearful situations is who God is and who I am. As I journal and read these days, it has helped me to meditate on certain passages that say just that. I write the truth about God on one side and then what that means for me on the other. For example, Isaiah 42:13- “The Lord will march out like a champion, like a warrior he will stir up his zeal; with a shout he will raise the battle cry and will triumph over his enemies” (NIV). The truth that I write on the other side would be that He is a mighty warrior and he is capable of defeating my enemies; so I am safe. God becomes big again and my fear is in its place. 

    When fear says jump, I don’t have to say how high because the TRUTH is that my God is bigger. My God is in control. My God is ferocious and fights with a vengeance against my enemies. In his presence fear must run. AND this great God is my father. I am his and apart of his family. I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free (Gal. 5:1).

Sophia Howard

Game Changing Perspective: A Call to Arms

 One of my favorite old testament bible stories is found in 2 Kings 6:8-23. The curtain rises on the king of Syria making war on Israel. However, despite his many tactics to trap them, they manage to out maneuver him because they heed the warning of Elisha who has insight from God into the enemy’s plan. Tension begins to mount because the king of Syria realizes that it is by no coincidence that the Israelites keep circumventing him. He thinks at first that he must have been betrayed by one of his own men, but they are quick to inform him that it is the prophet Elisha who tells the king of Israel even “the words that you speak in your bedroom” (2 Kings 6:12, ESV). 

   So what happens next? He sends an army in the middle of the night to surround the city of Dothan where Elisha was staying in order to capture him. He must be thinking. Aha! Try to escape now! Elisha’s servant awakes in the morning to see that they are surrounded on every side by a great army. He freaks out and runs to see what Elisha wants to do. Elisha says, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (2 Kings 6:16). He then prays over his servant that God would open his eyes  and the craziest thing happens. God does it. Cue epic music. The young man’s eyes are opened and he sees chariots of fire filling the mountainside. God sends his angel armies and has the enemy surrounded. What!? Talk about a change in perspective. 

    This New Year’s day I didn’t have any desire to make a resolution. I knew that after the newness of the year wore off that I would be lucky to even remember what I had promised to do let alone accomplish it. 2014 was a beautiful year but a hard one that left me hopeful and raw all at the same time. It was a year that blew all of my best laid plans out of the water and sucker punched me with many unexpected difficulties. So with that said, I only prayed a simple prayer at the beginning of this year. I prayed that God would renew my sense of perspective again and again and again. I asked that he would remind me that the difficult and mundane parts of my story are wrapped up in his much bigger one. 

    It does not come naturally and I need him to open my eyes. When Satan taunts me with my past failure, I need him to open my eyes. When life is just hard and the fulfillment of his promises seems delayed, I NEED him to open my eyes to see that, “Because of the Lord’s great love I am not consumed, for his compassions never fail” (Lam. 3:22, NIV). 

So, let’s fight well church and lean into our God’s strength. He has never left us and he never will. He has our enemy surrounded. He will and has won. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (2 Kings 6:16, NIV).

Sophia Howard

This Ordinary Adventure : Being called to stay

  A familiar scene plays out before me. A missionary stands up and shares their story about being called to a distant land and people, the crazy circumstances that lead to them follow Jesus to the other side of the world and the miraculous occurrences that allowed them to do so. Having grown up a pastor’s daughter, attended Christian school for thirteen years and Christian college for four years AND regularly attended church, I am “used” to hearing these stories. However, they never get old or cease to amaze me. As the person speaks I feel as though I experience a Walter Mitty type zone out as I envision myself playing with orphans and feeding the hungry. I can share my gospel story with such eloquence and fluency (in another language no less) that people are moved to tears and I am no longer awkward. This is all in a days work on my adventure with Jesus. 

    Usually after these moving experiences as I come back to reality, I feel discontent. Especially in college, my posture before God would evolve something like this. “God I am open and willing to go anywhere you want me to. Home is where you are.” Silence. “I am willing to risk it all like the missionary said and to leave my family and friends”. More silence. “Have I mentioned I like adventure God?” Finally I would resort to being that little kid in elementary school who desperately wanted to be called upon to give the right answer with their hand up waving franticly. “OOOOOO pick me. Pick me!” 

    After college, I looked into doing an internship overseas and an extended missions trip that ended up not working out. Everything I looked into came to nothing. I came home. For a while I was devastated and feeling like a failure. How could I make a difference if I was here especially when I didn’t want to be? It was during one of my rants before God that he reminded me of something I prayed a few months previously. “My home is where you are God.” I had said that assuming that he would take me anywhere BUT home. “Really God? How could it be your plan that I would lead an ‘ordinary’ life? Isn’t there ‘more important/significant’ work to be done than just an 8-5 job?” 

    I wrestled with those questions, but it was clear that I was going to be here in Vineland for a while so I tried to put myself into it by investing in relationship with family and working hard. It wasn’t until I was venting to one of my good friends on the phone about how hard it was to stay put and how I wanted to go and do bigger and better things that I received some clarity. She prayed over me, “Jesus, show Sophia that you are the same. You are the same God that works miracles in the lives of people whether she goes or stays.” 

   It clicked for me after that prayer. It isn’t all about me. God doesn’t need me to do great things for him, but he allows me to come with him as HE does great things. Therefore, I don’t have to be in control. If He is at work, then no matter how seemingly ordinary the circumstance, it is significant and important. If the emphasis is on him then it doesn’t matter where I am. 

    This is particularly freeing news to me as a new mom when most of my days seem ordinary. In the mundane moments I am reminded that I can be fully present and engaged now and HERE in Millville because:

- GOD IS GREAT: So I don’t have to be in control. 

- GOD IS GLORIOUS: So I don’t have to fear others. (I don’t have to make my life sound more epic for fear of what people think.)

- GOD IS GOOD: So I don’t have to look elsewhere for my satisfaction. (I don’t have to wait until “ bigger and better“ things happen to prove this. He is good regardless).

- GOD IS GRACIOUS: So I don’t have to prove myself. (I don’t have to do more in order to be good enough. I am good enough because of Jesus.)

-- Caesar Kalinowski, The Gospel Primer

Finally, GOD IS HERE: So I am home.  

Sophia Howard

She’s essential. I’m essential. We’re both essential.

I’ve recently been realizing that I have quite a few bad habits that I’ve never noticed before. I’ve didn’t know that I do them. It’s kind of been like playing a sport since you were young, and then realizing all of the sudden as an adult that you haven’t been implementing a fundamental skill correctly.

For instance, I had no idea that I was a perfectionist until this past summer. I also didn’t know that I tended to live without boundaries, and that my well-being is frequently enmeshed with other people’s opinion of me. I didn’t know that I tend to kiss people’s rear ends, and (this is the one that I want to talk about), I didn’t know that if I see someone else doing something well, I feel immediately threatened by it. Then I start to feel a push to either compete or to despair of my own worth.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen this same habit starting to develop in someone that I so wish could avoid it all: my daughter. She’s four and her younger sister is two. When I compliment her sister on doing something well, her typical response is to try to do the same thing and draw everyone’s attention to herself by saying, “Look at me. See how great I do it?” And if we don’t give her the same praise, she’ll express something along the lines of: “When you tell Bethie she is doing a good job, it makes me feel like I don’t do a good job at all. I’m not special.”

Bleh!! When I see it in a four-year-old, I realize what a ridiculous and yucky mentality it is to consider my value forfeit simply because someone else does something well. But I’ve realized that I do it all the time. If I have a friend who is gifted in some area that I’m not, I start to feel threatened. This yucky little feeling inside will start ‘whispering’ to me, “Oh no. Oh no. Your friend does this particular thing so well. She’s so gifted in that area. Why don’t you think to do that more often? Why don’t you enjoy serving in the same way that she does? People are going to like her more. She’s going to be safe and secure in life. She’s going to have a status of belonging in life. She’s going to be saved from rejection and pain in her life. And you won’t. You don’t do the same things she does; and because of your poor performance, you’re just not good enough.”

I didn’t even know that I had that habit: seeing what other people do well and feeling that I’m disqualified for not being able to do it just as good...or better. But I realized that I do it all the time, and I worry that my performance won’t be good enough to secure me the future that I think I need.

You know what is so beautiful, though? There’s hope for me (and people like me)! I’ve got this habit of comparing and disqualifying myself, but God says there’s another option! There’s another way to live. 1 Corinthians 12 describes His way. I just love, love, LOVE this word picture:

“God’s various gifts are handed out everywhere. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful: wise counsel, clear understanding, simple trust, healing the sick, miraculous acts, proclamation, distinguishing between spirits, tongues, interpretation of tongues.

He decides who gets what, and when.

You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body. Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you’re still one body. It’s exactly the same with Christ. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

You are Christ’s body—that’s who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything.”

Isn’t that like one thousand times better than being threatened by my friend’s gift and deciding that it means I’ll forever be rejected? I love the idea that we’re each uniquely gifted, and that if I don’t recognize and use my particular gift, The Body will miss out. The Body doesn’t need me to be someone else. The Body NEEDS me, and The Body needs me to be ME. As I am being changed into a new person with God teaching me His way to live life, I can appreciate the beauty of my friend’s gift, but the uniqueness of her gift doesn’t change or define anything about me.

She’s essential. I’m essential. We’re both essential.

Sarah Howard