Faithful

This is all about the years when my husband hated me.

My mother and dad were not drinkers. Oh, they would occasionally have one when they had someone over to play cards, but that was it. When I grew up and tried it out I hated the taste, so that did it for me with hard liquor. When we got married we might have a drink when we went out (fruit-juicy for me) but never bothered at home. Champagne was tolerable.

But after my father-in-law died, things started being not so good with us. Rich really mourned his dad, and it seemed to get worse; nothing I did was right, and I heard about all my faults regularly, and it got pretty awful. And it went on and on. He was under a lot of pressure at work, and I really thought he was losing his mind.

One of our friends saw something I clearly was not able to see, and told me about Robert Johnson. We lived near Minneapolis then, and Johnson was an Episcopal priest who had literally fallen out of his pulpit drunk in his church in Edina, Minnesota! Anyway, after he had gone through rehab and everything he started a project. Across Lake Minnetonka from us was the town of Mound, and they had in Minnesota the highest divorce rate and the highest alcoholism rate in the state, and he was studying it; my friend suggested I go to him for counseling. So eventually, I did.

He was very kind, and asked questions, and listened to me for an hour and more. And then he asked me how much my husband drank. I was so surprised. I told him that we hardly drank at all, and in my mind I was terribly disappointed. I was thinking, they’re studying alcoholics so everybody has to be an alcoholic!

 But he persevered. He discovered that in our wing of the house (no children allowed!) we had a study, and Rich spent most of his time in there at his desk. And that when I joined him in the evening he usually now was so unpleasant that I soon left. And he assured me that Rich was drinking, and likely had a bottle hidden there somewhere; that I was to find it, mark the level of liquid in it, and the next night look at it again, and then call him and tell him how much was missing.

So home I went, very disappointed and feeling very disloyal about my assignment. And the next day, expecting no luck, I searched for a bottle. You know what happened. There, in a file cabinet, I found it. Blown away would be an understatement!  And even worse, the next day it was obviously a new bottle, because the level was about an eighth of an inch higher than the day before! He was drinking a fifth a day!

New assignment. Johnson explained to me an approach with which he was being pretty successful: intervention. It terrified me. In complete secrecy I was to enlist several men from different areas of my husband’s life, and explain the situation to them and have them all appear at my house together and wake my husband and tell him they were here, and why.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I was so glad that it was something that could be FIXED, so I did it.

My brother flew in from Philadelphia. The company psychologist came in from town … his best friend and tennis partner … a doc who was his fishing buddy … a couple more. And he was furious. He said all the things you’d expect; no he wasn’t, this was ridiculous, what in God’s name was I thinking, etc. etc. But finally my brother said the best thing; he said, “Rich, you may not be an alcoholic, but I have too much respect for your intelligence to believe that you won’t try to find out.”

And that did it. The next morning he went in to work to tell them what he was doing, and took himself north to Hazelton, a famous rehab facility, and stayed a month, and never took another drink.  And started to hate me for involving his office.

But this is the worst thing. Alcohol really damages your brain. It changes things in you. And for at least two whole years you are just as nasty, just as mean as you were when you were drinking. It takes that long for your brain to heal. Many, many partners of non-drinking alcoholics find that period of time just too hard. They are already wearied by everything that went before, and they thought things would be better. They leave. And who can blame them.

But guys, this is the REAL wonder! All this happened before we found the real Jesus. And yet it is so obvious that God choreographed the whole thing!!! He led me to just the right Christian counselor; He gave me courage when I had none; He kept me from leaving; He gave me understanding; He was my loving Father when I desperately needed one.

God gave us a happy ending. We had both grown up pretty much the same, he in the Methodist church in Fort Worth and me in the Baptist church in Philadelphia, where we both considered ourselves Christians but really weren’t. And after we found Jesus, God used Rich greatly. AA was very meaningful to him, and he wanted to find a Christian AA, so to speak. So we went to Rick Warren’s church in California and brought Celebrate Recovery back to our church in Manahawkin, and he used his own story to minister to so many men there. When he died, man after man spoke at his memorial service about what Rich had meant to him.

And of course he had long since told me that I had saved his life.

This is a long story, and it covered a long time in my life. But God was so faithful. And I learned to see and depend upon God’s never-failing love and guidance, assured that He had the answers when I had none. We sometimes failed Him, but He never failed us, never. I surely pray that a time like this is never yours, but there are many, many circumstances that I never knew, and our God, our Creator, who designed our minds and knows our lives, is more than big enough for all of them. It is so true that we learn and grow in the valleys, and the most important things we learn are about God. He is with us. He is FOR us. He is able. He loves us beyond our understanding. And when He delivers us through our valleys, He enables us to love others with HIS love, and comfort them with HIS comfort, which is what Celebrate Recovery is all about. Remember that. Remember that you are never alone.

God’s faithful love never, never fails. Never.

Norma Stockton

Like Them or Like Him?

It seems to me these days that Christians are just too caught up in culture.  

We look and dress - like them.  

We speak - like them.  

We relate - like them.  

We work - like them.  

We use resources - like them.  

We worship the clock - like them.  

We buy and invest - like them.  

We run about aimlessly - like them.  

We exhaust ourselves for nothing - like them.  

We love the wrong things - like them.  

We fear everything - like them.  

We forget we are but flesh - like them.  

We focus on self - like them.  

We crave likes and opinions and comments - like them.  

We live for approval and approve of many sins - like them.  

We don't distinguish between good and evil - like them.  

We ignore the biblical Scriptures, God's useful Word - like them.  

We forget or ignore the Gospel, Good News of hope - like them.  

We refuse to risk for the greater err of caution - like them.  

We grumble and gossip - like them.   

We want our ears tickled - like them.  

We want more in discontent - like them.  

We live deluded and in delusions - like them.  

We live in feelings and wrongly define love - like them.  

We live imperfect lives while demanding perfection.  

We reject real authority - like them.  

We challenge the attribute of God’s Sovereignty and elevate human freedom - like them.  

We demand that things make sense and leave no room for faith - like them.  

We demonize and worship sexuality - like them.  

We ignore the reality of evil and the devil, who is called Satan the Accuser - like them.  

We don't make first things first and secondary things second - like them.  

We pray like we are talking to the restaurant server who will hear us and bring us what's on the menu - like them.  

We refuse wise counsel and forsake godly discernment - like them.  

We create indebtedness with others instead of forgiving many wrongs - like them.  

We are ruled by technology, communications, and QQF (Quality Quantity Faster) - like them.  

We crave deeper friendships, but we don't know how to be a friend - like them.  

We aim for nothing and hit targets we never intended to - like them.  

We want to be known and noticed and seen - like them.  

We want safety and security with freedom - like them.  

We want affirmation and encouragement and "nicely spoken sensitive things" prophesied to us - like them.  

We want God to bless us, but we aren't positioned for blessing - like them.  

We scurry in the stress of daily living and miss real Sabbath rest - like them.  

We want things here on earth to work the way they should, but we forget the future hope of heaven - like them.  

We lead like the world does while ignoring godly leadership models - like them.  

We manipulate circumstances and people and yet say we trust God - like them.  

We exact excessive interest (usury) and tax burdens that make people slaves to things they should not be - like them.  

We tolerate things we should not - like them.  

We trust naively and yet forsake real trust - like them.  

We build things on sand, not on Rock - like them.  

We want pleasures and food and experiences that drive us away from a sad burdened life and misdefine real joy - like them.  

We dishonor our parents - like them.  

We make decisions without real God consideration - like them.  

We believe things that have no real basis of authority - like them.  

We like winning now and miss the point of 'losing now' for greater gain - like them.  

We make idols and images of things that just ought not be, missing the heart of many matters - like them.  

We won't speak the name of Christ Jesus - like them.  We refuse to reject false religions - like them.

We want peace at any cost, and the price to pay is a deeper, hotter hell - like them.  

We act surprised that the enemy is in our camp when our walls were not shored up - like them.  

We reject missions impossible because the LORD isn't built into the impossible equation - like them.  

We forget what God has called us to and trade it for a lesser, unbiblical vision - like them.  

We lower shields of faith and expect flaming missiles not to hit vitals - like them.  

We refuse to deal with sin, and that little yeast works though the whole dough - like them.  

We walk in pride and forget that the LORD is able to humble any man - like them.  

We refuse hope in patient endurance, and demand that today be reconciled without seeing eternal life - like them.  

We ignore the very Word(s) of the Living God and wonder why it doesn't seem like He has much else to say - like them.  

Be not like them brothers and sisters.  For you are not like them.  

This is not a treatise on rules or legalism.  It's simply a reminder of what we look like - to them.  Oh that we would reflect the Savior and emanate His Life, His Love, and His Way.  And that others ("them") would join with us as followers of Christ. And oh that we would reflect His image to a dying world void of resurrection and that we would not be ashamed of Him, our Jesus.  For when we are distinctly but imperfectly sanctified, the world takes notice.  They see first things, real vertical trust, and the Gospel.  What do they hear?  What do they see on display?  Be (and become more) like Him.  It's the Gospel on display.  And it's the only way.

-Thor Knutstad

When Somebody Grabs My Toy

Something that happens with our kids A LOT is that one of them has a special thing in their hands, and another kid grabs it away.

Pretty typical kids-stuff, right? In our house it definitely is.

Because this happens ALL. THE. TIME. we've taught our children a 'script' of sorts for what we want them to do when someone grabs a toy out of their hands.

We teach them to:

1. Use their words. Ask for what they want. Say, "I was playing with that toy. Can I have it back, please?"
2. If the words don't work, find a Big Person and ask them for help. Say, "Mommy, I had this toy and Sissy took it away from me. Can you come help me, please?"

I love teaching my children this script because I think it is very helpful for when they grow up to be adults, as well. 

I have a problem with using my own words: it's hard for me to ask for what I want, to say my desires. It's hard for me to tell someone when I'm upset at something they've done. It's a little bit vulnerable to ask for what we want; it's a little bit vulnerable to honestly admit that we're upset. But when we just use our words to say what we feel and desire, it's so helpful and healthy.

Sometimes kids want to use non-words to deal with the situation. They might scream, or cry, or whine, or grab a toy back. It's like they're trying to 'fix' the situation by taking matters into their own hands in inappropriate ways. Adults do that too. They pitch a fit, they complain, they do something passive-aggressive, they manipulate. I want my children to learn to simply state what they want and feel without trying to 'fix' the situation by taking matters into their own hands in an inappropriate way.

And lastly, I love teaching my kids that when their words fail, they can run to a Big Person for help. Because that's what they'll need to do as adults: run to the ultimate Big Person when things are just not working out. They'll need to run to God. I want them to use healthy methods to solve problems, but I want them to know that when it's messy, when things just don't work out easily, that God is right there, ready to help. And I want them to know, because of their interactions with me, that His help is real, available, safe, and good. Because they've had their toy grabbed. Over and over and over again.

Sarah Howard