I thought slowing down, living at a slower pace, was the key to intentional living and loving. It certainly helps to hold space for those many common and precious moments of solitude and frequent meaningful interactions with loved ones. Seasons of slowness are important, valuable. I did not find what I was looking for in slowness alone though. Another integral component? Vigilance. I was certain I had that because I was observant and noticed nuances in interactions that no one else would call out. I was openly curious, in real time. But in all of the relational skills I had developed there was still stuff I could not understand. I was frustrated in relationships. I knew I was missing something. I remember thinking, “I need new, different perspective and/or more information. That will solve the problem and give me more understanding.” That did not solve the problem. The problem was the lens I was seeing my life, my interactions and relationships through. The lens was my own, confined to my finiteness as a creature of this world.
I was not truly aware of what God was doing, how God was leading. This was the missing piece. Even with all of my observing, I was blind to what actually mattered – the major key. So my conversations with my Creator and Father changed to, “Show me what You see when You see me, this other person(s), our relationship. Bring me into a better understanding of those You have given me to love”. My Abba started gently revealing what I could not see, what I did not know about people I love and about me (the me part was a little annoying, stung a little). Thankfully the growth is ongoing. I have not always been grateful for the process. A significant part of me would much prefer it to be a one-and-done situation, but learning to be in relationship with one another the way God created us to be in relationship is lifelong. It has to be.
My most recent growing pain was indeed painful. I sustained a serious injury in a seemingly random and bizarre way. God met me in the pain. He is still here with me, gently granting insight into the events that led to the injury. It has been a not-so-instant replay – a breakdown of the thoughts and motivation behind my actions. In this process, God has brought two truths to the surface for me:
1) It is not about me (the human). It is about the Divine and what our Creator wants for me, for us.
I was operating from what I thought was good, honorable, loving and noble and believed that my choices aligned with God’s intent.
2) Do not doubt that The Almighty has given me power and authority over the enemy. When I addressed Satan’s devices, they were no longer in play. The patterns of my flesh, however, that were being leveraged by the enemy are still in play.
I was floored. The first thought that crossed my mind when I was finally settled in the ER was, “Satan, you suck”. It wasn’t even him. It was me. This actually made me more angry. Un-crucified parts of my flesh are keeping me from loving/living well, and I was hurt as a result.
All this was on my mind and heart as our family entered Sunday’s worship service, and God met me again. There was a gentle weightiness my soul recognized as a safe place to humble my whole self, be still, listen, receive, clumsily obey (because that’s what I do), and wait for the not-so-instant replay. I pray this is all of our experience – that God is meeting us, granting His sufficient grace as we submit to growing in love.
—Anyah E. Reed
