Only wanting to give sparingly
Wanting to keep something back for myself
Not wanting to surrender unconditionally
Keeping something back for myself.
Yet I thought I was willing to give all.
The Lord had shown me my heart,
Is that what I'm really like?!
I had said...I want You to be the
Delight of my heart,
My everything,
My all,
But You showed me
It wasn't what was deep in my heart.
I was holding back,
Keeping something for myself.
Even now not sure if
I can honestly go there.
The cost is higher than I thought.
Lord make me willing
To stop counting the cost
And come to you unreservedly.
You see, I want my freedom,
To be able to come and go as I please
But Satan is deceiving me.
It’s a false freedom.
He will take me further away from Jesus
And more into myself.
So, a slave to Satan and self
Or a slave to Jesus.
What is it going to be?
I didn't have time
I was being self indulgent
Gratifying myself.
What's my story?
What really matters to me?
There I go again, waxing lyrical. But this was a very real moment in my life and continues to be something I have to ask myself.
There was one significant moment when the Lord challenged me. Like the rich young ruler I was excited about going deeper with the Lord, to make Him the delight of my heart. Then He spoke to me, “This is not who you really are,” and He showed me my heart. I was crestfallen.
I knew there were things I struggled with but, until that moment, I didn’t realize how much I clung onto them. How those idols had become so entrenched in my heart. It seemed there was only so much I was willing to give, and I was being asked to go beyond that.
The deeper life was going to cost more than I was willing to pay. But, that’s ok, I would be a “nominal” Christian. “I still love you Lord,” but from the back row. It was the best I could do, and, after all, I wouldn’t be alone.
If you look up the definition of the word, nominal, it states; 1. A role or status existing in name only. 2. A price far below the real value or cost.
To be called a Christian in name only and not be willing to pay the cost. How could I be considering this as an option?
Jesus doesn’t argue with you. He reaches out and says, “Come.”
I knew that I couldn’t walk away. I had known Jesus for too long. I knew Him, and know Him, and deep down in my heart I love Him. He is the One who is altogether beautiful and paid a great price for me. So, with some hesitation I started in that direction, started to release my grip on some things.
I'm still on that journey. It hasn’t always been pretty, and I’m often slow to let go, but I want Him to have my heart. Thankfully, the Lord is patient and kind. He is the One who is altogether merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love.
I’m so thankful for that.
—Mick Sanderson
