I spent some time this week trying to look over my heart and sort of take stock. It’s easy for me to get caught up in what I hear, or think I hear, God saying in the moment so I think it’s important to step back every once in awhile and look at the big picture. (Actually, it’s probably important to that more than every once in awhile.)

Here’s what came up: I am most consistently convicted about the way I spend my time and the way I use my words.

Honestly, that’s nothing new. It’s sort of like running through a checklist of things I’m still bad at. It’s roll call and we’re all still present.

“I want to be a person who loves well. But that doesn’t start the way I often think it does.”

This time, however, I started connecting the dots in a way I don’t think I have before.

I tend to spend my time pretty selfishly and the thing is, my time is not all about me. I guess it’s not really “my” time at all. Because I know from experience that love changes everything and a first step to loving someone is making time for them. It’s like we’re biologically incapable of not responding to that kind of love. When someone doesn’t just tell you, but shows you that you’re important, it changes you. Everyone wants to be loved, appreciated and accepted and we all respond to attention.

My time is about loving people well but I think my words are linked to something deeper inside: being a person capable of loving people well. After all, from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

What I’m realizing is that the role of the Gospel in my life isn’t mostly about me pointing other people to it. It’s easy for me to try to simplify the Gospel into “salvation” or even me living my life in ways that show other people who Jesus is. But I’m still in the middle of my own redemptive process of letting the Gospel change my life too.
I know that sounds a lot like textbook Sunday School recitation but the practical implications are huge. It means submitting my heart to Jesus’ total redemption because without it I’m no good to anyone.

I’ve been thinking lately about 1 Corinthians 10:23 where Paul says, “’All things are lawful’ but not all things are helpful.” (ESV)

Okay, fine, that makes sense but I like this version better from the Message: "Looking at it one way, you could say, 'Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.' But the point it not just to get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well."

That comes down like a hammer in my life. Hard. So often I just want to get by. I want to take advantage of God’s grace and take a sick day. Honestly, it’s especially true when it comes to the words I use. It’s so easy for me to shrug it off with a “there’s grace for that” attitude. And there is. But that isn’t the point. To once again, quote C.S. Lewis, “(I) thought (I was) going to be made into a decent little cottage, but He is building a palace.”

Every time I try to halt construction because I think it isn’t a big deal, it doesn’t give me more time or ability to love someone else. I’m just as inept as ever.

I want to be a person who loves well. But that doesn’t start the way I often think it does- by managing my time or biting my tongue or any other number of actions. It starts exactly where I don’t want to look, my own heart.