(By Tammy Vaughn)
Prime times for grieving a loss or death are during the holiday season, around the loved one’s birthday or the day of their passing. So how do we face holiday grief? Grief is the loss of a loved one or something important to you. Grief could include the loss of an idea, item, animal, child or dream. Grief may actually start before a person is deceased, especially in the case of terminal illness.
I believe taking a self-inventory is a key concept around the area of grief; it is beneficial to examine yourself and identify feelings on how you are processing or not processing the loss. You may be telling yourself things like, “Stop making a big deal out of it” or “You should be over it by now” or “I can’t live without this person” or “I want to die too.” I think a key part of this is to evaluate what you think about your observations, self talk or thoughts. You may miss your loved one terribly, and you may be feeling loss and sadness. The flip side may also be true- maybe you recognize that the loved one is missing but feel relief or peace. Maybe you don’t think of your loved one at all and feel guilty for not thinking of them. It is important to remember that feelings are just feelings; they are not right or wrong, they are just your feelings. We tend to place a lot of emphasis on how we feel when really it’s what you do with your feelings that is important. Taking an honest inventory of how you’re doing throughout the grief process is very important.
Another key to dealing with grief is to find a healthy balance between remembering and honoring a person’s absence and perseverating or centering the entire rest of your life or holidays on their absence. Being consumed by your loved one’s death or loss does not help you to live your life. This may sound insensitive, but if God has still given you life, He has a purpose and plan for you. It’s important to keep this in mind. I encourage people to find a way to celebrate or acknowledge the person who you have lost without being totally consumed. Some people are reluctant to even use the word “celebrate” because they feel that if you celebrate, you will forget your loved one. Achieving a healthy balance is important; that way you are not swallowed up in grief and therefore miss making memories, enjoying other loved ones who are living or miss out on life in general. I think processing feelings with close supportive friends, pastors and professional counselors is very helpful in working toward striking this balance. Part of moving toward health is carrying on normal activities, realizing that you will be making “new normals”.
Another key to grief recovery is to find support. Let me say it again: find support. Grief Share, Celebrate Recovery, pastorate friends and professional counselors, etc. Some things God never meant for us to go through or overcome by ourselves; grief is one of those things. It is and will be tempting to isolate, wall off and stay to yourself because the pain is too intense or you don’t want to get hurt again. You may be tempted to not celebrate the holiday or to celebrate the holiday alone. Instead, find some supportive people, friends or coworkers and celebrate the best that you can. Isolation makes the healing process harder and longer. Being around people that care about you will in fact help your grief process. Processing feelings with people you trust will help you to work through those feelings and gain the support you need to survive. Remember that grief is more than just five stages, or steps, or hoops to jump through. It can look like a ball of yarn. There is no time line to grief, and it can be experienced by everyone differently. You can actually be stuck in stages, not really go through some of them and experience them out of order. The fives stages of grief are denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance. Remembering that everyone processes grief differently is helpful, realizing that while you are on one stage, your spouse or children may be on a different stage. The important thing to do is to acknowledge or experience your feelings when you have them. Don’t try to shut grief feelings down, run from them or deny that you are having them. Stuffed feelings always come out in ways and at times that you don’t want them to come out. When you are grieving, often times you feel out of control and devastated. One thing you can control is how you explore and express your feelings. You will also feel empowered and begin to have a sense of hope as you identify and acknowledge the feelings you have. Give yourself permission to grieve and to be happy. The Bible in Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that life has many seasons and cycles. This passage gives us each hope that there is an end in sight. Life will not always be this traumatic or painful.
Take a minute to read this great reminder in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Take a deep breath and be encouraged!
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
